Josh Duggar Admits Molesting Sisters, But Everything’s Cool Because Jesus

In the aftermath of In Touch uncovering a police report that alleges Josh Duggar molested his sisters, he’s admitted everything and resigned from the Family Research Council because it’s hard to say gay marriage is ruining American families when you were running around molesting your sisters in a “holy” household of the Lord. And it’s even harder to endorse comments that transgender people are a threat to children when you were an actual, legitimate threat to children you were related to. Specifically your own sisters. So here’s Josh’s official statement which is “honorable” and “admirable” if you consider telling everyone supernatural powers conveniently absolved you of everything once you got caught. Repeatedly. Kind of like now. Via Facebook:

“Twelve years ago, as a young teenager I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret. I hurt others, including my family and close friends. I confessed this to my parents who took several steps to help me address the situation. We spoke with the authorities where I confessed my wrongdoing and my parents arranged for me and those affected by my actions to receive counseling. I understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life. I sought forgiveness from those I had wronged and asked Christ to forgive me and come into my life. I would do anything to go back to those teen years and take different actions. In my life today, I am so very thankful for God’s grace, mercy and redemption.”

And here’s Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s statement:

God God God God, closer to God, God God God, not a single word about the victims, God God God God, now you’re all going to be closer to God because of us. Isn’t that wonderful? God God God God. You’re welcome.

Okay, I may have paraphrased that, but sadly not that much. And finally here’s Josh’s wife Anna Duggar’s statement where she claims he confessed the molestations to her and her family before they got married which you’ll notice still happened because apparently an even bigger sin would be not letting a dude who touched his sisters shoot a small army out of you in accordance with your sole womanly purpose in life. In fact, why are you even talking? That’s not how babies come out.

I can imagine the shock many of you are going through reading this. I remember feeling that same shock. It was not at the point of engagement, or after we were married – it was two years before Josh asked me to marry him. When my family and I first visited the Duggar Home, Josh shared his past teenage mistakes. I was surprised at his openness and humility and at the same time didn’t know why he was sharing it. For Josh he wanted not just me but my parents to know who he really was — even every difficult past mistakes. At that point and over the next two years, Josh shared how the counseling he received changed his life as he continued to do what he was taught. And when you, our sweet fans, first met me when Josh asked me to marry him… I was able to say, “Yes” knowing who Josh really is – someone who had gone down a wrong path and had humbled himself before God and those whom he had offended. Someone who had received the help needed to change the direction of his life and do what is right. I want to say thank you to those who took time over a decade ago to help Josh in a time of crisis. Your investment changed his life from going down the wrong path to doing what is right. If it weren’t for your help I would not be here as his wife — celebrating 6 1/2 years of marriage to a man who knows how to be a gentleman and treat a girl right. Thank you to all of you who tirelessly work with children in crisis, you are changing lives and I am forever grateful for all of you.

Someone earned a new gingham dress. In the meantime, TLC is obviously being pressured to cancel 19 Kids and Counting which I wouldn’t be surprised if that happens later today [UPDATE: Count it.] because I mentioned this clown car vagina circus ended with young girls being molested by their brother, right? That happened, and even grosser, everyone’s openly admitting it because Jesus made it all go away. And supposedly some “counseling” which we know from these people was either the shitty, doesn’t count Christian kind and/or shipping your kid off to build a house. The important thing is that on top of teaching their daughters that their only worth is serving a man by sloughing out an entire football team of his kids, they were forced to forgive their brother for sexually abusing them in their sleep. That’s just the sweet rape gravy on top of a misogynistic shitpile. Praise the Lord!

One quick note before I toss you some parting links: The horseshit, trollish comment-du-jour of this whole mess has been, “So you mean he’s just like Lena Dunham? HURR DURR!” Um, no. Not even fucking close. Lena Dunham was seven, seven – not 14, 15, 16, and 17 if we’re to believe those were the only years Josh Duggar molested his sisters – when she engaged in normal childhood experimentation that she apologized for comedically exaggerating in her book. She was not a teen/young adult who crept into several siblings’ rooms and repeatedly touched their breasts and vagina while they were sleeping. There’s a goddamn ocean of difference there, and that’s coming from someone who hates Lena Dunham. And also knows he’s just pissing in the wind here because anyone who’s actually using that remark isn’t in the market to discuss nuance. Moving on…

Here are 9 Times Josh Duggar Lectured People On Family Values despite growing up in a “wholesome,” traditional Christian home and still molesting his sisters. Then again, maybe they used their Jesus magic wrong. Did you shake it first?

And here are hopeful Republican presidential candidates posing with Josh because you can’t win an election without getting in bed with crazies. In this case, crazies who created an environment where there are way too many children raising children and someone ends up getting molested because there are way too many children raising children.

Adding… This isn’t a presidential candidate, but it’s my favorite:

I’m actually starting to believe there is a God because there’s no way this isn’t a warning. Except just kidding He let young girls get molested by their own brother so everyone would love Him more. Fucketh that in the face.

Photo: Instagram