Did Johnny Depp Really Hit Amber Heard With An iPhone? Maybe?

Because Johnny Depp and Amber Heard don’t care that maybe I wanted to spend the weekend binge watching the second season of Bloodline, let’s get into this domestic violence horseshit now that the dust has (hopefully) settled.

First, let’s bring everyone up to speed. Three days after Johnny Depp’s mother died, Amber Heard filed for divorce and immediately requested spousal support, which his lawyer shot down. Last night, his publicist released a statement that might as well have said, “We were barely married five minutes, you get dick-squat.” Which brings us to this afternoon when TMZ broke the story that Amber was granted a restraining order after claiming Johnny Depp hit her with an iPhone while drunk and high in the wake of his mom’s death and has a history of domestic abuse. So let’s break down both sides of the story, starting with Amber who clearly timed this for the Friday afternoon news cycle with sources speaking to both TMZ and PEOPLE. Not that that means Johnny Depp isn’t an abusive dick, but we’ll get to that.

Amber Heard’s Side

Armed with a bruise on the side of her face and claims of having video evidence of prior beatings, Amber Heard alleges the following happened on Saturday night, the day after Johnny Depp’s mother died. TMZ reports:

We obtained this pic … showing Amber with a bruise around her eye, which she says Depp inflicted Saturday night. Heard claims the pic was taken shortly after she was allegedly struck.
She claims Depp smashed his iPhone on her face.
Amber claims during the alleged attack, Johnny shattered various objects in the apartment. She says she was on the phone with a friend during the fight, and when Johnny grabbed her phone she screamed to her friend, “Call the cops!” The friend called 911 and cops came to the residence.
Amber says when cops arrived Johnny had already fled, so they took a report.
We’re told cops told Amber they would find Johnny and arrest him if she gave a statement about the alleged violence, but she refused. Officers told her if she changed her mind she could call them.

Shortly after, a source close to Amber told PEOPLE that Johnny offered her money not to file a report. Then later, TMZ would somehow obtain legal documents where Amber Heard alleges Johnny Depp assaulted her at her birthday party a month ago.

Johnny Depp’s Side

According to Depp’s sources, Amber is “is an affront to real victims of domestic violence,” and they pointed to an Instagram photo taken a day after the alleged assault where she shows no signs of injury. Depp’s sources also question why she didn’t file a report with the police and instead went to court where she made a play for the house and spousal support.

What The Cops Say

Here’s where things go pear-shaped. After initial reports – from Amber’s team – that the police showed up and offered to arrest Johnny if she’d give a statement, the LAPD has offered its version of events, which has some discrepancies. Namely the part where Amber Heard had no visible injuries. PEOPLE reports:

The Los Angeles Police Department investigated Amber Heard’s domestic abuse claim against Johnny Depp on May 21, but found no proof that a crime had occurred, a police spokesman tells PEOPLE.
“On May 21, 2016, officers responded to a domestic incident radio call…” LAPD Sgt. Marlon Marrache says. “The person reporting the crime [Heard] did not insist on a report and no report was warranted. There was no evidence of any crime. A crime did not occur so the officers left the scene and left a business card.”
Marrache adds that if there had been any signs of abuse, officers would have conducted an investigation, regardless of what Heard said had happened.

TMZ’s sources with the LAPD also say Amber showed no signs of injury when they arrived.

What I, Some Asshole On The Internet, Thinks

Who the fuck knows? After the LAPD statement, Amber Heard’s story sounds suspicious as fuck and making a move for the house didn’t help. That said, despite being the most recognizable Disney character on the planet, Johnny Depp clearly thinks of himself as some sort of badass rocker, so it really wouldn’t surprise me if he gets loaded and smacks chicks around like an asshole. Especially one he clearly handed over the keys to bleed him dry because his penis said blowjobs are way better than prenups while his ego went, “No, man, she’s into you because you’re Johnny Depp.” Dude, nobody made you stick your dick in a bear trap that any of us would’ve fell for. Possibly even now. I’m not doing anything.

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