John Travolta Won’t Watch ‘Going Clear’

“What do you mean you “grew” yours? This stuff can poke through your skin?!” *runs away screaming*

With the help of advanced powers acquired through Scientology training, John Travolta once healed Marlon Brando’s leg at a dinner party. That kind of concrete evidence, paired with reams of audit files where he most likely admitted to countless gay experiences, are all he needs to defend Scientology against the slanderous claims made in HBO’s Going Clear. Via Tampa Bay Times:

Travolta called Going Clear a product of “people who were disgruntled with their experiences” with Scientology, while the church “has been nothing but brilliant for me.”

He elaborated on how the church has supported him through especially troubling times, like the after the death of his son, Jett.

“Oh, my god, I wouldn’t have made it” without the church’s assistance, Travolta said. “Honestly.”

He continued, “When they sent over a team of auditors to counsel us through our grief and to detail exactly when and to which media outlets they would send audio files of me confessing to hours of hot, hot sex with men, I was just floored. For them to take that kind of time to ensure we were alright was all I needed to know this seriously powerful stuff.”

But it wasn’t just through hard times. When Travolta’s career took a significant upswing after his role in Pulp Fiction, Scientology was there to congratulate him on his success. He recalls, “Oh yes, I remember the premiere vividly.¬†David Miscavige sent me a brand new flight jacket with an envelope tucked into the pocket stuffed with pictures of me fellating, being fellated, penetrating, and being penetrated by all manner of men throughout the course of my fraudulent marriage to female actress, Kelly Preston. It was that kind of attention to detail and the dedication of hours they must have devoted just to me personally that really solidified my faith in their systems.”

RELATED: How Shit’s Going For Tom Cruise Post-‘Going Clear’

Photo: Fame/Flynet