“Golly gee, Mistah Kottah, is that a Red Robin?”
While Photo Boy and I were off not snuggling at The Avengers yesterday, news broke that John Travolta is being sued by a male masseur who claims the actor hired him for a personal massage only to repeatedly grope the man’s penis, then eventually his own, while gorging himself on cake and hamburgers. There’s also a part about Jews which I’m almost positive is a conspiracy to get Mel Gibson to support gay rights. “They hate the Jews, you say? Interesting, interesting. What about stabbing people during butt sex? Where do they stand on that?” TMZ reports:
The suit claims Travolta stripped naked, appearing semi-erect. The masseur says he told Travolta to lay down on the table and the first hour went without incident. Then, according to legal docs, Travolta began rubbing the masseur’s leg, touched his scrotum and the shaft of his penis.
The masseur claims he told Travolta he did not have sex with his clients, but Travolta was undeterred, offering to do a “reverse massage,” adding, “Come on dude, I’ll jerk you off!!!”
The suit goes on to allege Travolta then masturbated and told the masseur he got to where he was “due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ days,” adding “Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity.”
Michael K over at Dlisted actually read through the entire lawsuit which I highly suggest scoping out just to see how terrible John Travolta allegedly is at convincing another man to have sex with him while making the whole thing seem straight. Although, for the record, his lawyer is already denying the claims which I actually believe and not because I think John Travolta isn’t secretly gay. Quite the opposite. The dude’s so rich and thanks to Scientology is so hell-bent on appearing straight, that I almost guarantee he has a secret island grotto undetectable on radar where he freely bangs dudes at will then murders them and dumps their bodies into the ocean before jetting back to his wife. This massage business is a.) just sloppy on its face and b.) everyone knows Scientologists have mind powers that essentially allows them to incept people. Then again, “Come on, dude, I’ll jerk you off” is about as persuasive as it gets, so clearly Travolta’s prey is a powerful space wizard from the Clockbockotha nebula. I’ll alert the high council which to the untrained eye might look like I’m just Vulcan neck-pinching my penis. It’s all very sophisticated, trust me.