John Mayer is Dying

September 20th, 2011 // 30 Comments

Thanks to the Dinklage Strut-nanza formerly known as the Emmys followed by Britney and Lindsay continuing to serve as walking public service announcements on never signing your child over to Disney, this story about John Mayer‘s illness got pushed to this morning. Via One Forty Plus:

Hi everyone,
After several months of going week to week monitoring and hoping to correct the condition, I am forced to cancel my upcoming singing engagements due to something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma.
I’m bummed to have to bow out of both the iheartradio Music Festival in Las Vegas and an appearance with Tony Bennett in Los Angeles. I know there were people depending on me to be there and I’m sorry that I can’t be on those stages.
‘Born and Raised’ is complete as far as music recording, song selection, and in some cases mixing, but because of this condition I couldn’t finish singing on several of the tracks. This means the record will be released next year instead of this fall or winter.
This is a temporary setback, though I’m not sure how long or short a period of time it will be. I’ve got the best doctors in the country looking after me and I will be singing and touring again as soon as I get the all clear. Until then I’ll be spending time writing and composing more music and kicking an empty soup can around the West Village.
I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon. Until then take good care.
John

Tell me I’m not the only one who went, “I bet it’s sickle cell.” You know, because of John Mayer’s n-gger pass. And that’s not racist. Black people are genetically more prone to it, so how dare you try to trivialize their struggle?! I have a dream!

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Flynet

superficial

  1. JC

    I didn’t assume sickle cell. I assumed douche-itis.

  2. LB

    BAM! And that’s what happens when you are mean to Taylor Swift. Dear John, don’t you think 19′s too young!!!!!

  3. More like dying to be Johnny Depp! Ha! Zing! I…I’m dead on the inside.

    • me

      my prediction is Johnny will be dressing opposite of this style now. Can’t wait to see sexy Johnny. been missing him.

  4. JKR

    I get the article, but why did you post a picture of Johnny Depp from the set of Blow?

  5. Who’s John Mayer? Why is there a picture from Once Upon a Time in Mexico?

  6. rican

    It’s an infection from sperm-in-mouth disease.

  7. Cock Dr

    I think Jennifer Aniston somehow put a ex-hex on this guy.

    • Gray

      Nah, he ate out her rotting pussy and a few hairs got caught in his throat, then he reamed her a few times and went back to licking that pussy that was the home of Brad, Vince, Gerald, Jon, Terrence, Leo, George, Shaquille, Patrick.. hell, he might as well sucked these guys dicks.

  8. Dude of Dudes

    Granulomas form when the immune system attempts to wall off substances that it perceives as foreign but is unable to eliminate…….like cock spooge.

  9. just here for laughs

    I somehow knew all that mouth-douching would lead to this.

  10. Jillia

    More like “John Mayer is morphing into Johnny Depp”

  11. Richard McBeef, MD

    granulomas in the throat are often caused by irritation or trauma. Likely the result of huge black cocks pounding the epiglottis.

  12. Can I have his guitars when he’s dead?

  13. Casey

    Didn’t read the whole thing because I’m running late, but I hope that the headline is true…not a big loss.

  14. Venom

    Dammit, I thought he was really dying.

  15. Dan

    GOOD I fucking hate this guy. He is a super bastard douche bag.

  16. I got Pyogenic Granuloma on my hand from a fucking splinter off of an old wooden fence once. Shit was mildly horrific and had to be surgically removed. No fun was had by anyone except the paid-ass doctor..

    Wonder what Mayer had his throat on.

    • Venom

      You are bitching about the doctor, the same one that had to operate to treat your hand? What a fucking ingrate.
      Why didn’t you or one of your buddies do the surgery if you thought the doctor’s services were of no value?

      • His services were invaluable and I’m not ungrateful in the least. I was grading on who had the most fun, dummy. It took him two fucking seconds and cost a small fucking mint. He ran a blade through my hand. Leave my buddies out of it, they weren’t there.

  17. Wow really

    Oh the humanity?what’s up with the title?Feel better John Mayer get well.God Bless you.You are amazing andd you bring us JOY.

  18. gumption

    I have always thought his music was pure piss, that body wonderland business was enough to make me want to torch him in my contribution to save the people. only dumb women with no self esteem and who believe any story a guy tells them would date this loser.

  19. es

    This is all vicious, although the cock jokes are totally warranted and funny. Hasn’t anyone ever heard this guy rip a solo? Who gives a shit what he says, when’s the last time you heard an SRV quote?

  20. hj

    Really n*gger pass n that totally was racist u say the n word followed by black people. That’s just flat out ignorance grow up. The n word can be more than one color thank u.

  21. Dude

    The accompanying song selection is epic. Good call.

  22. celebsloveme

    Agreed Dude. Where did you even find that song, Fish? You know if John Mayer listened to any music other than his own he’d be playing it over and over while crying over his light beer poured into a highball glass. “It is so me right now!”

  23. Wendy

    HE IS NOT DYING!!!!! How dare you make light of this, don’t you know that there are millions of twenty-something year old girls ready drown a stadium in cum with the release of his new CD and next tour, and now that has to wait. DAMN YOU!!!!

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