Joan Rivers Destroys Chelsea Handler

January 25th, 2012 // 90 Comments
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Not physically mind you. She actually looks like this.

On Monday morning, Chelsea Handler said the following when asked about a feud with Joan Rivers on Howard Stern. Via RadarOnline:

“Joan Rivers? What the fuck do I care about Joan Rivers? I don’t think about her ever.”

Jump to Tuesday morning, when Joan stopped by Stern and proceeded to completely eat Chelsea’s lunch which had to have pissed Gwyneth Paltrow off considering she spent all morning at an organic winery pouring into an 18th century decanter. (Oh yeah, they’re besties.):

“Number one, the girl made it on her back fucking the president, we all know that, of the network. Number two, she’s fine, she’s ordinary. She’s not a genius,” Joan told Howard, referring to Chelsea’s past relationship with E! President Ted Harbert.
“She’s an ordinary girl that was fucking somebody high up in the industry and they gave her a break and she’s doing okay.”

“Whatever she is, she’s a drunk. I don’t wish her good luck, I don’t wish her bad luck,” Joan said.
“I don’t think she’s particularly funny. But don’t you come after me, you whore!”

For the record, that was Joan Rivers surgically dissecting Chelsea Handler’s entire career by showing a remarkable amount of resolve and vigor for an elderly woman forced to take Kelly Osbourne seriously for a living. This generation of “comediennes” would’ve died halfway through the first episode. They got no spunk.


Photos: Getty, INFdaily, Splash News


  1. nurple

    OWNED by Joan. The woman rocks.

    • Joan is a legend because of the fact she was a trailblazing female in a male-oriented industry. Now, when she acts like an asshole picking apart other people’s clothes and looks, she’s still an asshole.

  2. Not fair. Cyborgs can think faster than humans.

  3. cc

    I saw a Joan Rivers stand up routine once. She is actually very funny and takes no prisoners.

  4. Any Guy

    chelsea HANDLED.

  5. Lila Joy

    Joan owned no one. She’s an idiot. Chelsea made her own way writing about everyone she was fucking… I doubt she gives two fucks if Joan tells people who else she’s fucked. Joan Rivers is the oldest piece of shit on tv.

    Props to Chelsea – doing what she needs to get ahead in life. Fuck, it’s working. Joan jealous?

    • belchie

      Why would Joan Rivers be jealous? Check out her IMDB page…she was mentored by Johnny Carson. She has an Emmy. She’s friends with Louis CK. I haven’t checked it, but I’m betting Chelsea Handler’s wiki page just shows a list of people she’s blown.

    • Brian

      OMG..your an idiot…number 1. CHELSEA is not funnywhat so ever… she is a loud mouth bitch that is it. she is a better looking Rosie o donnell that is it… 2. JOAN is a FUCKING LEGEND in the comedy business. Mentored by the man JOHNNY FUCKING CARSON. She is fucking hilarious. And she is also VERYVERY powerful in the entertainment buisness.. Chelsea dug her own fucking grave taking joan on! and im glad cause Chelsea needs to go away….not funny at all.

      • De

        Chelsea is not funny
        her show just bitches about everyone else
        actually she is no different than celebrity slamming web sites ..hehe

    • EricLr

      Handler is funny and her writers are even funnier. But Joan is right about her getting the job by fucking the boss. It’s a pretty crass Hollywood move to get your job by blowing the president of the network. If she doesn’t like that stigma following her, tough. She could have gotten the job the honest way, instead she took the easier shortcut. Now that’s just something that’s going to follow her.

    • Artofwar

      ….Lila Joy is spot on—-I am glad it is a woman that has indeed confirmed that in order for women to reach the top— they must first suck a lot of cock. Not that this is an epiphany moment or anything— it’s just endearing to hear the truth come out of a woman’s mouth from time to time is all….Artofwar

    • Tom


  6. Newts

    Joan can whup on Chelsea all damn day. I just saw her stand up 2 weeks ago and old girl was jumping up and down and showed more energy than a basketful of 4 year olds. I like Chelsea but love me some Joan Rivers!

  7. So what if she’s a drunk who sleeps around? Isn’t that what Joan did?

  8. Newts

    Joan aint jealous she’s twice the star Chelsea is and twice the age! I doubt Chelsea will be doing stand up and have 2 shows on tv at age 78!

    • Not to nitpick, but I do believe she’s on her second show, and the only reason she’s not doing standup is for the points Joan mentioned: a) she truly isn’t funny and b) she’s too busy on her back to be doing all that standing up.

      • Newts

        It’s ok to nitpick, I meant that when Chelsea is the same age as Joan she wouldn’t have 2 shows and stand up. I heard about Chelsea’s second show awhile back, guess she’s on the casting couch at NBC too…

      • omg

        great last line , lol!

  9. Juniper

    Chuy is the only reason this bitch has a show.

  10. At least Chelsea’s husband didn’t kill himself to escape the horror.

    • If someone was stupid enough to marry Handler I’m sure they’d kill themselves while taking out half of a city block.

      • Holy Hell

        If they married her, they’d have to live with her and her f’ing brother. I used to like her, and followed her on twitter for a while. it didn’t take long to get completely sick of her. She loves to post pictures of her dog and her brother. It’s weird. She is stupid but tries to hide it with her aggressive “humor”.

    • Brian

      Chelsea is soo ucking UGLY and soooo fucking UNTALENTED any man with her or married to her might as well kill themselves…the only person that could tolerate or marry Handler would be a Deaf Dumb and Blind guy…

    • timmy

      Black guys don’t commit suicide that often.

    • timmy

      The best part of Chelsea Handler’s persona is her presenting herself as this take-no-prisoners bitch who then spends her time sucking up to and trying to befriend female celebrities (Aniston, Paltrow, etc). Pretty funny. She’s like a 50 year ‘Mean Girl’. She only picks on people that are too weak to defend themselves or who can’t harm her career. I don’t know why she is so worried? If she got into trouble I’m sure she could blow her way out of it.

  11. grownz

    Only idiots think Chelsea handler is funny, period.

  12. it had to be said

    Dear Chelsea, it’s me, vodka. Sometimes in life you need to learn to say the following, “Mrs. Rivers is a tremendous star and an inspiration to all women in comedy. I have nothing bu respect for her.” And walk the fuck away. Idiot.

    • Anastasia Beaverhausen

      Her ego compels her to be a cunt all the time and for no reason.

      Great comment, though. Best in the bunch.

  13. Brian

    WOW…it is AWESOME to seee sooo many JOAN FANS and CHELSEA HATERS on this page… i FUCKING CANT STAND CHELSEA HANDLER…she next to demitiri martin, and doug benson has to be the UNFUNNIEST PERSON ON THE PLANET…and E! gives her a show?!!! and FUCK the PUBLISHING COMPANYthat publishes her god awful unfunny books! WTF?!? People that like her are probably scorned women who havent been laid in a while… JOAN IS A FUCKING COMEDIC GENIUS!

    • Juano

      E! is the same network that put the Kardashians on the tube, and lets them change “reality” to make them look like actual human beings. So, why are you shocked that they put an unfunny “comedienne” on?

  14. Isn’t Chelsea Handler playing Joan Rivers? I mean, in a community theater sort of way.

  15. Juano

    Chelsea Handler isn’t funny, she’s snarky. Her comments which are supposedly humorous make you feel like you are sitting in a bar and the drunk next to you, who you hardly know, makes the lamest and most inappropriate comment. So you sort of smile and nod your head and think “what a turd.”

  16. Katherine Heigl Shows Off Her Curves – Popoholic

    Don’t click that link because she doesn’t have any curves.

  17. Randall

    I can’t imagine starting a war of words with an 80 year old stand up comic who has spent the last 60 years insulting people is a good plan.

  18. Why would I care about what either of these two dog faced whores have to say about each other?

    • LizardSpit

      You felt compelled to comment, didn’t you? Methinks you have “mommy” issues.

      • Artofwar

        ….Why do people always assume that when damaged dimwits whom have obvious mental issues— it’s automatically the mother that has cause them.

        Perhaps in CreepyThinMan’s case it was his father who stretched-out his little bottom until it bled once too many times that’s to blame.

        Fuck Sigmund Freud….Artofwar

      • dung beetle

        STFU, fartofwart

  19. jimbob

    Someone famous finally called out Chelsea Handler for being shit? About goddamn time I’m sick of hearing every comedian talk about how awesome she is because they want on her show.

  20. richie

    Chelsea’s hot…as far as hags go

  21. POWW

    Handler actually thought she could say something like that about Rivers and get away with it. What an idiot.
    and not funny. I only catch pieces of this show when channel surfing—Seems like Josh and that half asian comic are the funny ones. Handler is a bore and man, she looks alot older than she is.

    • Trek Girl

      You’re right about that. The other comedians and Chuy really make the show. Chelsea can be funny, but more often than not she’s funny because she’s reacting to something one of the other comedians said. I don’t want to say she doesn’t have any talent for comedy, because a roll in the hay with CEO or executive can only take you so far, but she’s not nearly as funny on her own as E!, and maybe even Handler herself, would like people to believe.

  22. Bianca

    Never liked Chelsea. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the uglier she gets, she meaner she becomes.

  23. LJ

    Chelsea wouldn’t even had a career if Joan had not paved the way for a female comic to headline a show.

  24. Let’ see who’s crazier. One woman deformed her face into something hideously not human, the other banged guys to get someplace.

    • Trek Girl

      To be fair, Joan Rivers has never really had an average face. If you look at pictures of her before the plastic surgery and then look at pictures of her after surgery, you’ll see that her face really isn’t all that different.

  25. vandinz

    I’d rather stick pins in my bollocks than watch a Joan Rivers “comedy” routine. I don’t know who the fuck the other bitch is.

  26. Chucky D

    Wait…Joan Rivers is still alive?

  27. The Royal Penis

    It’s gotta be tough getting bitch slapped by a 78 year old like Joan.

    My hat is off to Joan for living life large though and it’s not like anything she said is untrue.

    Chelsea could lob a couple of bombs her way too if she had any talent as a comedian….but Joan’s right…she doesn’t. So she’s gonna sit there and take it and drop a four letter word now and then because she’s a hack.

  28. Coyote

    If GOD was a woman He would be Joan Rivers

  29. Coyote

    if GOD was Joan Rivers, Chelsea Handler would be the Dump she took this morning

  30. Sir Jerry

    Suddenly the superficial was mobbed by 2 Chelsea Handler fans.

  31. alex

    Team Joan. Chelsea’s face makes me angry. And not a “good angry.”

  32. TheReb

    Think Chelsea (has been) Handle by everyone in hollywood~~after all chewiee ddint get his name from no were, she hire him so he could chew on her while she is standing up~~

  33. The Royal Penis

    Damn, Handler’s built like a Mack truck. She’s got a linebacker’s body.

  34. Well Tara Reid got even OLDER.

  35. Randal(l)

    I wouldn’t bang Chelsea Handler with Joan Rivers greasy cock


  36. fooey

    Nothing Chelsea Handler is involved in is funny

  37. Chelsea Handler Joan Rivers Fued
    Commented on this photo:

    Her right leg looks fucked up.

  38. Chelsea Handler Joan Rivers Fued
    Commented on this photo:

    Joan Rivers needs to die already, she’s got the whole corpse look going on so I don’t know what the hold up is

  39. Mama Pinkus

    all I know is, Ms. Handler shouldn’t trash Angelina Jolie for morals, and certainly she is no match for Queen Joan.

  40. Chelsea Handler Joan Rivers Fued
    Grand Dragon
    Commented on this photo:

    This isn’t what age 36 is supposed to look like.

  41. whip

    this is a sort of a new episode of Star Wars.

  42. Meme

    How the hell is she only 36? Seriously? I thought she was 46. Girl is rough. Vodka and whoring is not your friend ladies.

  43. Chelsea Handler Joan Rivers Fued
    Commented on this photo:

    Cannot STAND Chelsea her new show is so stupid and not funny AT ALL!!!! Just waiting for the ax to fall on that one.

  44. phoneticbaloney

    I thought Joan was being kind. Not only is Chelsea a whore, she’s a drunken, nasty whore who has no respect for herself or anyone else. Sober up, skank..your 15min. is just about over.

  45. realist

    Watch the documentary on” Joan Rivers A Piece Of Work” . The hell this woman went through and never, ever gave up. It’s fascinating and we laughed so much it hurt through the whole thing. She is whip smart, has guts, tenacity and is a comedic genius.and be astounded by the sheer genius, guts, tenacity that very few people possess. Watch for yourself, this woman has earned well deserved RESPECT throughout the entire industry and after 60 years, is funny beyond belief, and is and always will be a legend.

  46. I might be the only one here who likes them both. Although Chelsea has been on the scene for more than a few years, she is dwarfed by Joan Rivers’ career. I like the fact that Chelsea was taking on a giant such as Joan but this is definitely a case of biting off more than she can chew. Just because Joan is a legend doesn’t mean she’s infallible or wrong but from what I’ve seen of her over the years, she’s a tough cookie. They were told to cut it out by E! and I see them respecting that truce at this point, a year later. :-P

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