The poster said Jessica would sign autographs until 2:30, but at 1:15 her mouth suddenly opened and stayed that way until she walked into a backroom. Later, we heard what could only be described as a family of elks getting beat with a chair followed by cries for barbecue sauce. It was my most favoritest day ever. – Anne Frank, 10/1/11
Despite early reports suggesting People was set to announce Jessica Simpson‘s pregnancy, Page Six is reporting Papa Joe is still in the negotiations stage and asking for $500,000 to the rights of his presumably increasing private collection of prego-boob photos he’s waited patiently since her 16th birthday for. “Jessica, we did it for Ashlee, and it’s a Simpson family tradition. Now, Eric, put a little more powder on those puppies so they catch the light. Mmm, yeah, that’s nice. Real nice.”
Sources told Page Six that Simpson, with the help of her father/manager, Joe Simpson, refused to say she is expecting until she had a deal in place. The the singer/fashion designer and mentor on NBC’s “Fashion Star” had been shopping a deal to the celebrity weeklies to announce the news and sell the eventual baby photos.
I love how Joe Simpson‘s plan basically involves letting people believe his daughter is just really, really fat until someone pays him half a mil to go, “Ha, just kidding! Pills confuse her.” Because what if they don’t pay? In six months, is she going to give birth and he walks around saying, “That’s the funniest looking meatball sandwich I ever saw!” because, honestly, that would be fucking awesome for me. I’m not even going to put on airs. I’ll be titillated.
Photos: Getty, Splash News