Jessica Simpson Wants $500K To Confirm The Pregnancy You’re Looking Right At

October 20th, 2011 // 39 Comments

The poster said Jessica would sign autographs until 2:30, but at 1:15 her mouth suddenly opened and stayed that way until she walked into a backroom. Later, we heard what could only be described as a family of elks getting beat with a chair followed by cries for barbecue sauce. It was my most favoritest day ever. – Anne Frank, 10/1/11

Despite early reports suggesting People was set to announce Jessica Simpson‘s pregnancy, Page Six is reporting Papa Joe is still in the negotiations stage and asking for $500,000 to the rights of his presumably increasing private collection of prego-boob photos he’s waited patiently since her 16th birthday for. “Jessica, we did it for Ashlee, and it’s a Simpson family tradition. Now, Eric, put a little more powder on those puppies so they catch the light. Mmm, yeah, that’s nice. Real nice.”

Sources told Page Six that Simpson, with the help of her father/manager, Joe Simpson, refused to say she is expecting until she had a deal in place. The the singer/fashion designer and mentor on NBC’s “Fashion Star” had been shopping a deal to the celebrity weeklies to announce the news and sell the eventual baby photos.

I love how Joe Simpson‘s plan basically involves letting people believe his daughter is just really, really fat until someone pays him half a mil to go, “Ha, just kidding! Pills confuse her.” Because what if they don’t pay? In six months, is she going to give birth and he walks around saying, “That’s the funniest looking meatball sandwich I ever saw!” because, honestly, that would be fucking awesome for me. I’m not even going to put on airs. I’ll be titillated.

Photos: Getty, Splash News


  1. Fester

    I’m not convinced that baby isn’t just a slow moving intestinal wad of Hormel pseudo meat byproducts, aka what Jessica refers to as, “A snack.”

    • lily

      agreed shes been a fat ass for over a year now, wouldnt be surprised if shes using pregnancy as an excuse for letting herself go. such a shame.

      • Artofwar

        ….I swear, every celebrity involved in these baby-picture-pimping-schemes, should be MURDERED. And preferably in slow motion with an unusually large ball-peen hammer—

        Too should be MURDERED are the people who pay for the pictures of celebutard spawnings,

        However, these should be tied to a stake while a link of hotdog wieners is shoved up their anuses and then set on fire— and then the cooked wieners should be properly garnished, put into buns, and fed to the homeless— and the world would rejoice with glee.

        Ahh—if only I ruled the world what a marvelous world it would be….Artofwar

    • Virgil

      Congratulations…it’s an 8 pound spam!!!

    • Virgil

      “I know it’s fish but is it chicken or tuna”…if true, another Einstein entering the world

  2. OR they’ll get paid the cash and confirm she ISN’T pregnant and will become the new spokesperson for her new diet company.

  3. Dude of Dudes

    Another 500k to view the sarlacc pit when she gives birth?

  4. Dude of Dudes

    Off camera Madonna can be heard saying “ARE THOSE MOTHER FUCKING HYDRANGEAS ON THE TABLE!?!?!?!”

  5. Abby Normal

    For 500K I’ll gladly GET pregnant. Hell, make it 400K.

  6. Bonky

    All I know is that her breasts have doubled in size and by the time this is done they might even triple in size.

    That’s all I know. That’s all I’ll ever need to know.

  7. Lemmiwinks

    How can anyone know for certain until she quits eating shortening out of the can with a spoon?

  8. She can’t be pregnant. I pulled out.

  9. Jack Ketch

    Could Joe Simpson be any scuzzier than the Kardassians ? Well, yes, I guess he could … that poor dude she’s marrying, oh god, and since when do nice Christian girls get knocked up before the wedding. Total barf. Joe Simpson is right up there with Michael Lohan now, pretty much. So. Fucking. Sad.

  10. i want her greasy butthole wrapped around my tongue.

  11. beer4b

    I thought she died from eating too much. Food addiction is dangerous. filthy swine.


  12. Jessica Simpson Cleavage Pregnancy Announcement
    oh i know
    Commented on this photo:

    well, her FACE is definitely pregnant, yikes!!

  13. Jessica Simpson Cleavage Pregnancy Announcement
    oh i know
    Commented on this photo:

    she’ll be hitting maximum density by Super Bowl time, i’ll bet……

  14. rican

    It won’t be over until Jessica sings.

  15. newsjunkie

    you guys are brutal. who gives a shit? if they succeed in hawking this kid we’d have another simpson generation being pimped out to the public.

  16. She’s still famous?

    Her “star power” doesn’t command much more than a Beef & Cheddar combo, and people politely calling her “Ms. Simpson”.

  17. So sorry to offend, Joe.

    I forgot she has the only celeb line around that caters to everyone from “lying about size 2″ to “Coleman tent”.

  18. Hey Hick Fuck You!

    Wow. A fatass celebrity gets 500k to tell the world she’s knocked up with a bastard child because she’ll put anything in her mouth except birth control and her dumbass boyfriend doesn’t know what a fucking condom is…..this country truly has turned to shit.

  19. Jessica Simpson Cleavage Pregnancy Announcement
    Commented on this photo:


  20. Archies_Leach

    I’m in prison for taking pictures of my 9 year-old nephew naked and passing it around to my buddies in the man-boy-love-club and I think the simpsons are trashy.

  21. WhyNot

    I think what she is doing is hilarious! Paparazzi are swarming, magazines are looking for the exclusive, ‘official’ confirmation. I think she’s just not going to tell anyone and drive everyone nuts with speculation and guess work. It doesn’t matter what you tell people, they just make stuff up, so I think she’s just letting them make it up and having fun by NOT confirming it.
    It’s not like she needs the money now, is it?

  22. Jessica Simpson Cleavage Pregnancy Announcement
    Commented on this photo:

    she is obv preggers, ignorant hick that she is …..she is gonna be FN huge here out that chick will NEVER be close to thin again NEVER her boobz ae gonna be HUGE like freaky HUGE. She’d better stock up on fabric now cuz it’s gonna be tent city. OH…her dad…….. deserves to drop dead ……just sayin.

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