After weeks of speculating, and even given my piss-poor track record that should preclude me from ever stepping foot in a birth canal, I think it’s safe to say Jessica Simpson is actually pregnant and not just fulfilling her membership obligations to The 5,000 Ribs Club. Except now that I said that, her dad’s probably going to hold a press conference confirming she swallowed another punch bowl. Or one of those turtle sandboxes. Whichever holds the most ranch.
UPDATE: And her fetus already brought the McRib back with its mind. Oh, good.