So Jessica Simpson Did Not Eat An Entire Cracker Barrel

November 1st, 2011 // 39 Comments

After Kim Kardashian confirmed her marriage was a giant scam yesterday, I couldn’t handle anymore news that wasn’t surprising to anyone with the gift of sight, so Jessica Simpson‘s pregnancy announcement got to wait until this morning. Here she is in a photo posted to her official website last evening with the following message:

It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!

Ha! Get it? Mummy sounds like mommy, and she’s dressed like a mummy. It’s good to know she’s reading the jokes on boxes of Happy Meals and not just pouring them into her mouth then choking on the toy. You’ve impressed me, Jessica Simpson. You’ve impressed me.

Photo: Fame, Splash News


  1. Poison Ivy League

    Her tits are going to look like tube socks filled with sand after she has that kid.

  2. DogBoy

    Kinda HOT in the “chubby big-titted neighbor chick wearing a gausey shirt with her hair teased up to go out dick-huntin” way…. one man’s opinion.

  3. JaimewithanH

    Congrats on the lil bastard Jessica!

  4. stratacat

    she looks like a white janet jackson here.

  5. Jessica Simpson Mummy Costume Pregnancy Announcement
    Commented on this photo:

    That thundering sound that rocked us all just now was Earth’s entire population yelling “Duhhhhh!”

  6. Rough! man of still

    I want Gaga.

  7. SIN

    Just how big will her tits get?

  8. just here for laughs

    So is this how Daddy Joe wanted to spill the beans? I thought there was going to be a big payout. Anti-climatic…

    • Cock Dr

      No one was dumb enough to write him a check.
      It’s a small victory in the famewhore wars.
      Wait until the birth and the wedding. That’s what daddy’s hopes & dreams are pinned to now. Yeah, the younger sister may have a nice hind end in a bikini, but this one is daddy’s favorite cash moo-cow.

  9. rican

    Nina Blackwood comes back from the dead.

  10. Jessica Simpson Mummy Costume Pregnancy Announcement
    Commented on this photo:

    There’s still that very sultry “come hither” look in her eye. Must be a tray of cheeseburgers just off camera.

  11. lazermoose

    Burn Unit Stevie Nicks. Great costume

  12. Jessica Simpson Mummy Costume Pregnancy Announcement
    Commented on this photo:

    The embalmers must have hooked her brain out through her nose years ago in preparation.

  13. TP-ing yourself in Liberace’s toilet paper does not make you a mummy.

  14. Jessica Simpson Mummy Costume Pregnancy Announcement
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m going out on a limb and predicting that after childbirth she won’t lose the 3 pounds of pregnancy weight she’s gained.

  15. cc

    She went out for Hallowe’en dressed as a pregnant Helena Bonham-Carter mummy? COOL!

  16. I see she’s gone country.

  17. forrest gump

    do not believe this woman.

  18. Jessica Simpson Mummy Costume Pregnancy Announcement
    adolf hitler
    Commented on this photo:

    her boobs are not growing. tragedy.

  19. Do_Freebird

    This is a good look for her.

  20. Jessica Simpson Mummy Costume Pregnancy Announcement
    Willie Dixon
    Commented on this photo:


  21. g-moonie

    Just look at those giant mummyries!

  22. Ghost

    I prefer to think she ate an entire Cracker Barrel.

  23. kimmykimkim

    Just because she’s pregnant does not mean she didn’t eat an entire Cracker Barrel. She IS feeding a whole litter now.

  24. kimmykimkim

    And holy fucking hair, Lita Ford!

  25. cc

    weird. it looks like she photoshopped her hip/back fat out on her left side by her arm. the lines of her back don’t line up.

    looks totally unnatural.

  26. mrsmass

    oh good now we’re going to get to see her doing the cliche “i’m pregnant, not fat” pose that every celebrity feels the need to do. luckily it will be only for one more month because she’s in her 8th month, right?

  27. Venom

    I never understood why people go after her all the time.
    I think she is a very pretty woman with a fantastic body and she seems to be a pretty nice and decent person and does not attack anyone.

    Our ire should be saved for the likes of Paris Hilton and the Kardashians.

  28. Anya

    Soooo…that whole “no sex unless I’m married” thing was just a lie? I feel so used.

    • TheDevilYouKnow

      The whole “no sex until marriage” is only an issue for the FIRST time. Evidently God only cares if your first time is with your legal husband or wife. After that, you can suck and fuck whomever…wedlock be damned. God is cool like that I guess.

  29. bk

    She looks like a tampon

  30. Jessica Simpson Mummy Costume Pregnancy Announcement
    Commented on this photo:

    Did I read that right: ‘dressed in a Mummy costume to announce her pregnancy’ ?

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