Here’s Jessica Simpson in New York today where she’s getting ready to make her big post-baby body reveal and trying to build up suspense by wearing a dress with a built-in gut curtain. (Do dresses have that? Despite my appreciation for ruggedly handsome penises, I swear I’m not a chick, so I wouldn’t know.) A move that probably would’ve worked had she not kept going to the same exact gym where the same exact paparazzi take the same exact pictures of her, but then again, we’re not exactly dealing with a ninja here. She probably covers her face with her hands whenever she raids the cookie jar and thinks she’s invisible. “Haha! You fools will never know I was here.” *walks into china cabinet*
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
I just want to tell those boobies it will all be okay. I feel like I’m looking at a World Wildlife Fund commercial for prevention of animal cruelty.
Don’t lie to the boobies. Let’s face it: Those boobs are going to be all but invisible once she’s turned into a less-sexy Jabba the Hut.
“…covers her hands with her face”
Confusing.
Didn’t someone comment that she would be wearing giant glasses and a black outfit in the last JS post. Whomever it was, you’re the best.
Next time for glasses she will just paint two of her many empty aluminum pie plates black and string them together.
So she had one of her many skilled, asian child laborers fashion her a hearty “modesty suit” out of thrice-layered thick scuba material? Genius.
heheh thrice. :D
No too bad if you prefer ‘em big, blonde and bulging.
Her bank account makes up for a lot of the superficial cosmetic defects, isn’t that right Eric?
When’s the wedding?
I agree with you, Cock Dr. and I DO like blonde and bulging. I think she’s a cutie. And rich to boot!
She is a nturl brunette.
She’s still hotter than any of the chicks you mouth-breathers have banged.
Not true, ma’am.
I think your mom was hotter.
Is she holding his arm to get up on the curb because there are too many camera flashes or because she literally cannot see her feet?
Clearly she is grabbing his arm to get up on the curb because she can not lift her own body weight by herself.
Judging by her weight just a matter of time before she splits in two again. Single cell organisms prefer mitosis which also explains her brain capacity.
single cell organisms prefer binary fission.
Sexy and smart…these men do exist! ;)
Kim Kardashian looks stupid as a blonde
I don’t know about all the makeup and stuff in this picture but I would bang her at any of the weights she’s been at recently.
The Force is strong with this one.
You were fired from shoprite for theft and smoking crack in the break room .
Her getting out of that dress is like Han Solo opening the Tauntaun to stuff Luke inside. Squish.
“And I thought they smelled bad…on the outside.”
I’ve got an idea, why don’t guys who think Jessica Alba has an ass decide what men are attractive and heterosexuals will decide what women are attractive?
WTF, is that top made out of Kevlar?
Looks like her workout routine is working.
Can’t wait for the “Daisy Duke” version of Jessica to return.
Uber hot MILF version. Who could complain about that?
Daisy Duke era is long gone and never to be seen again. Best we can possibly hope for from Jes is a hotter blonde version of Jennifer Love Hewitt
Next time Jessica will have the trees and sidewalk painted black, so that all we see is the semi-fat disembodied head with large ‘slimming’ glasses.
Cheshire Simpson.
Kudos to her on the weightloss so far, but she’ll sadly never, ever get back to her Dukes of Hazzard body. That ship has sailed far, far away. But, she’s looking good now compared to what she was at. I’m sure her fiance is enjoying those two monstrosities she’s callng breasts. Those puppies have come directly from motorboatin’ heaven.
Is it just me… or does she look like a midget in this picture?
Her arms look abnormally short, don’t they?
She’s only 5’3
Yes, she’s actually a Keebler elf, which really explains a lot.
That depends, Jenna, are you the midget in this picture that is holding her boobs up?
Those titties are GINORMOUS!
Her husband has to be doing meth….he’s a former NFL tightend and he’s shrunk that much?
What do you expect, Deac, that Jessica would actually share her food with the guy?!? Aww…you’re so sweet.
Apply that waistband technology to the structure of a car, and we will never have another vehicle related fatality for the rest of this worlds existence.
Is it just me or is she using the same fake tanner as Pippa? She looks much better natural. Plus she was the top guess for a blind item about a female celeb who had gained extra weight for a deal and was in discussions with docs about what surgeries to do to help her look thinner while still selling her results as based on hard wprk and healthy eating…not like she’d shoe the first, last or only on this. Smoke and mirrors!
She looks orange and it’s gross.
Could be both … god, what a “cushy” job, being “Mr. Jessica Simpson.” He always looks so goddamned scruffy.
I was just going to leave a similar comment. He always looks like a bum. Is she his only visible means of support?
Shut up, y’all…she looks boobtastic!
If she exhales she will burst like the Hulk…
If she inhales, she’ll suck us all in, like the whale in Pinocchio.
All I see is an orange wad of butter in a black corset with tits. In other words, still would.
Nice outfit, dumptruck. Who died?
Waddle waddle! Waddle waddle waddle!
lol
Black supposedly makes you look thinner….Obviously not true.
Its true – if you shut your eyes, you can’t tell she’s heavy at all.
Can’t…move…arms. Must be dragged as I slide on my butter feet.
i think i see the event horizon!!
How dang long must ah not breate hun? Mah head is getting all fuzzy like!
She looks like the letter B with blonde hair.
Poor Eric, he looks ready to throw in the towel.
So basically, they took her stomach and shoved it into a bra. That’s fascinating and incredible.
here’s a picture of her from 6 days ago without the gut-masking dress. Her gut is still huge. I hope she had to pay Weight Watchers for using them to promote her fatness.
http://www.tmz.com/2012/09/05/jessica-simpson-weight-body-photo/
looks like lady gaga gained 5 more pounds
Worst. Ninja. Ever.
I’ve never seen a handbag cry out for help before.
All season I’ve been wondering how peplum is “in,” since it’s so ugly & generally unflattering. But I guess Jess needed it to try & tame the hot, hot mess that is her body. Yikes.
she’s thinking,
I….. CAN’T…….. BREATH
the dress is suffocating me.
of course she wears all black.
who thought she would’ve worn any other color?
Stupid fucking bitch.
It’s an oompa loompa version of claudia shieffer..
The Spanx are working double-overtime with holiday pay here.
We’re gonna need all hands on deck for when that outfit lets go.
Can you please turn off the sound on those stupid hipster Virgin Mobile ads all over your site right now?
I’m starting to feel like I should go buy box frame glasses and start insta-gramming…
The only weight she’s lost is the in the shortening of her arms!
I’m not sure how but I think she managed to slide her gut up into her boobs. ( I mean they were going to take the hit anyway, right? It’s genius. )
Now that’s a strategically placed ruffle.
I hope she saved some of the butter for her Pop Tarts to get her out of that outfit.
Fuck those ugly sunglasses. Why is she orange? She’s still looks fat to me.