Jessica Simpson: Master of Deception

September 10th, 2012 // 81 Comments
Jessica Simpson Can't Jog
Jessica Simpson
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Here’s Jessica Simpson in New York today where she’s getting ready to make her big post-baby body reveal and trying to build up suspense by wearing a dress with a built-in gut curtain. (Do dresses have that? Despite my appreciation for ruggedly handsome penises, I swear I’m not a chick, so I wouldn’t know.) A move that probably would’ve worked had she not kept going to the same exact gym where the same exact paparazzi take the same exact pictures of her, but then again, we’re not exactly dealing with a ninja here. She probably covers her face with her hands whenever she raids the cookie jar and thinks she’s invisible. “Haha! You fools will never know I was here.” *walks into china cabinet*

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. I just want to tell those boobies it will all be okay. I feel like I’m looking at a World Wildlife Fund commercial for prevention of animal cruelty.

    • JC

      Don’t lie to the boobies. Let’s face it: Those boobs are going to be all but invisible once she’s turned into a less-sexy Jabba the Hut.

  2. “…covers her hands with her face”

    Confusing.

  3. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    FudgeSticks
    Commented on this photo:

    Didn’t someone comment that she would be wearing giant glasses and a black outfit in the last JS post. Whomever it was, you’re the best.

    • Frank Burns

      Next time for glasses she will just paint two of her many empty aluminum pie plates black and string them together.

  4. So she had one of her many skilled, asian child laborers fashion her a hearty “modesty suit” out of thrice-layered thick scuba material? Genius.

  5. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    No too bad if you prefer ‘em big, blonde and bulging.
    Her bank account makes up for a lot of the superficial cosmetic defects, isn’t that right Eric?
    When’s the wedding?

  6. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    asfasdf
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s still hotter than any of the chicks you mouth-breathers have banged.

  7. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    celebutard
    Commented on this photo:

    Is she holding his arm to get up on the curb because there are too many camera flashes or because she literally cannot see her feet?

  8. Inner Retard

    Judging by her weight just a matter of time before she splits in two again. Single cell organisms prefer mitosis which also explains her brain capacity.

  9. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    kec232
    Commented on this photo:

    Kim Kardashian looks stupid as a blonde

  10. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    No Standards
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t know about all the makeup and stuff in this picture but I would bang her at any of the weights she’s been at recently.

  11. Her getting out of that dress is like Han Solo opening the Tauntaun to stuff Luke inside. Squish.

    “And I thought they smelled bad…on the outside.”

  12. Chinny

    I’ve got an idea, why don’t guys who think Jessica Alba has an ass decide what men are attractive and heterosexuals will decide what women are attractive?

  13. El Jefe

    WTF, is that top made out of Kevlar?

  14. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    CartlT
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like her workout routine is working.

    Can’t wait for the “Daisy Duke” version of Jessica to return.

    Uber hot MILF version. Who could complain about that?

    • Gin&Tonic

      Daisy Duke era is long gone and never to be seen again. Best we can possibly hope for from Jes is a hotter blonde version of Jennifer Love Hewitt

  15. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Next time Jessica will have the trees and sidewalk painted black, so that all we see is the semi-fat disembodied head with large ‘slimming’ glasses.

  16. Elliott

    Kudos to her on the weightloss so far, but she’ll sadly never, ever get back to her Dukes of Hazzard body. That ship has sailed far, far away. But, she’s looking good now compared to what she was at. I’m sure her fiance is enjoying those two monstrosities she’s callng breasts. Those puppies have come directly from motorboatin’ heaven.

  17. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Jenna
    Commented on this photo:

    Is it just me… or does she look like a midget in this picture?

  18. Deacon Jones

    Those titties are GINORMOUS!

    Her husband has to be doing meth….he’s a former NFL tightend and he’s shrunk that much?

    • Sliver

      What do you expect, Deac, that Jessica would actually share her food with the guy?!? Aww…you’re so sweet.

  19. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Greenie
    Commented on this photo:

    Apply that waistband technology to the structure of a car, and we will never have another vehicle related fatality for the rest of this worlds existence.

  20. Marie

    Is it just me or is she using the same fake tanner as Pippa? She looks much better natural. Plus she was the top guess for a blind item about a female celeb who had gained extra weight for a deal and was in discussions with docs about what surgeries to do to help her look thinner while still selling her results as based on hard wprk and healthy eating…not like she’d shoe the first, last or only on this. Smoke and mirrors!

  21. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Jack Ketch
    Commented on this photo:

    Could be both … god, what a “cushy” job, being “Mr. Jessica Simpson.” He always looks so goddamned scruffy.

    • Carolyn

      I was just going to leave a similar comment. He always looks like a bum. Is she his only visible means of support?

  22. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    roseY
    Commented on this photo:

    Shut up, y’all…she looks boobtastic!

  23. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Commented on this photo:

    If she exhales she will burst like the Hulk…

  24. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Happy_Evil_Dude
    Commented on this photo:

    All I see is an orange wad of butter in a black corset with tits. In other words, still would.

  25. kimmykimkim

    Nice outfit, dumptruck. Who died?

  26. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Happy_Evil_Dude
    Commented on this photo:

    Waddle waddle! Waddle waddle waddle!

  27. Black supposedly makes you look thinner….Obviously not true.

  28. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Happy_Evil_Dude
    Commented on this photo:

    Can’t…move…arms. Must be dragged as I slide on my butter feet.

  29. richie

    i think i see the event horizon!!

  30. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Happy_Evil_Dude
    Commented on this photo:

    How dang long must ah not breate hun? Mah head is getting all fuzzy like!

  31. She looks like the letter B with blonde hair.

  32. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Happy_Evil_Dude
    Commented on this photo:

    Poor Eric, he looks ready to throw in the towel.

  33. Sliver

    So basically, they took her stomach and shoved it into a bra. That’s fascinating and incredible.

  34. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    anonymous
    Commented on this photo:

    here’s a picture of her from 6 days ago without the gut-masking dress. Her gut is still huge. I hope she had to pay Weight Watchers for using them to promote her fatness.

    http://www.tmz.com/2012/09/05/jessica-simpson-weight-body-photo/

  35. me

    looks like lady gaga gained 5 more pounds

  36. Worst. Ninja. Ever.

  37. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ve never seen a handbag cry out for help before.

  38. MSG

    All season I’ve been wondering how peplum is “in,” since it’s so ugly & generally unflattering. But I guess Jess needed it to try & tame the hot, hot mess that is her body. Yikes.

  39. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    anonym
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s thinking,
    I….. CAN’T…….. BREATH
    the dress is suffocating me.

  40. anonym

    of course she wears all black.

    who thought she would’ve worn any other color?

  41. anonymous

    Stupid fucking bitch.

  42. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Audrey
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s an oompa loompa version of claudia shieffer..

  43. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Quijibo
    Commented on this photo:

    The Spanx are working double-overtime with holiday pay here.

  44. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Quijibo
    Commented on this photo:

    We’re gonna need all hands on deck for when that outfit lets go.

  45. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    tylersayshello
    Commented on this photo:

    Can you please turn off the sound on those stupid hipster Virgin Mobile ads all over your site right now?

    I’m starting to feel like I should go buy box frame glasses and start insta-gramming…

  46. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Next....
    Commented on this photo:

    The only weight she’s lost is the in the shortening of her arms!

  47. I’m not sure how but I think she managed to slide her gut up into her boobs. ( I mean they were going to take the hit anyway, right? It’s genius. )

  48. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Next....
    Commented on this photo:

    Now that’s a strategically placed ruffle.

  49. Queef Sister

    I hope she saved some of the butter for her Pop Tarts to get her out of that outfit.

  50. Jessica Simpson Tight Dress Eric Johnson
    Commented on this photo:

    Fuck those ugly sunglasses. Why is she orange? She’s still looks fat to me.

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