Jessica Simpson’s Dad Was Gay This Whole Time

October 24th, 2012 // 72 Comments
Okay, Now I Get It
Jessica Simpson Butt
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What? This guy? Get outta here.

Years ago, I had a roommate who was a flamingly gay ballerina that I worked with at Applebee’s who used to spend 75% of his shift running around screaming “TITTIES!” while grabbing every chick in the restaurant’s breasts. A series of events I should’ve remembered each time I joked about Papa Joe getting hungry for boob-meat every time he’s around Jessica Simpson because it turns out he’s been secretly gay this whole time. (Or not so secretly after looking at this gallery.) Via RadarOnline:

And not only has a family source told The National Enquirer that 54-year-old Joe came out of the closet, the source says the former youth pastor and Baptist minister has a 20-some­thing boy toy!
The stunning confession was the real reason wife Tina filed for divorce from Joe, her husband of 34 years, in late September, the Enquirer reports.
“Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet,” an insider divulged. “He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men.

Granted, this all comes by way of the Enquirer, Joe was a Baptist preacher and this pic exists, so someone should probably tell Pete Wentz to buy a rape kit. Let’s just cut to the chase.

Photos: Getty

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  1. bbiowa

    And the guy behind him now thinks of “Joe Simpson” and “Ass” in a whole new way.

  2. I called it years ago.

  3. Nate

    Ashlee Simpson is bisexual. It’s all in the genes man.

    • Schmidtler

      I never understood the theory that gay is genetic – if it was genetic, wouldn’t that gene have died off a long time ago? Since there’s still gays, I don’t see how it could be genetic. Of course, I also don’t understand that if humans evolved from apes, wtf are there still apes?

      • Dyskolos

        Let’s hear it ladies and germs for the fresh comedy stylings of Schmidtler! He’ll be doing an extended engagement in Indiana through November. So wake up the kids, pack up the station wagon, hit the highway and join the Schmidtlerheads for a festival of cerebral comedy and sausage making…soon.

      • Can I skip the tour and just mail him a copy of The Descent of Man instead?

      • Burt

        Looks like you’re the missing link.

  4. Zolf

    Speaking of rape, Joe better watch out for that guy behind him. Was this photo taken at an Interstate rest stop?

  5. Shocker! Which also describes what the guy behind him is giving him.

  6. Is the guy behind him Paul Giamatti in a shitty wig

  7. Joe Simpson Gay
    VV
    Commented on this photo:

    This might be the gayest picture he’s ever taken, short of having a wiener in his mouth. I feel like he’s grabbing Cabrera’s (who had no idea until that second) ass. Hah.

  8. Joe Simpson Gay
    DeucePickle
    Commented on this photo:

    “Ok Nick, you and Jessica have a good night doing whatever it is y’all do, I’m going to show ole Hairricane here my kitchen floor.”

  9. EricLr

    I don’t buy it. No gay man would let his daughter dress like that.

  10. Joe Simpson Gay
    YoMamma
    Commented on this photo:

    Okay, Joe’s gay – so I get the pink shirt but why is Pete Wentz dressed as an aging vagina?

  11. Inner Retard

    So?! I have feelings for men too and I’m not gay. It can be friendship, annoyance, empathy. And for some reason a very special blend of jealousy mixed with hatred just for Jon Hamm.

  12. Cock Dr

    I’m gonna give Jess a pass during the next round of photos that show her gobbling chicken wings and slurping gravy, or drunkenly stumbling out of club on her baby daddy lunkhead’s arm.
    Perhaps this is all a play for the cover of People magazine. If so may I say nicely done. Love it when the deeply closeted emerge from the darkness.

  13. Joe Simpson Gay
    catapostrophe
    Commented on this photo:

    “Just let me touch it for a SECOND.”

  14. Joe Simpson Gay
    catapostrophe
    Commented on this photo:

    Red-handed.

  15. Joe Simpson Gay
    Inner Retard
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks like a sorority girl on spring break who already decided these three guys will fuck her.

  16. Deacon Jones

    What would Jesus do????

    How much you want to bet he’s a staunch Republican?
    Oh, and molested boys as a youth minister? I’d bet my life on both.

    • Devilish Diva

      Yeah, Jessica said a while back she was Republican and supported Bush. Who else would she learn it from? Of course, her closeted hypocritical “preacher” dad.

      • Hey! Just because Jessica Simpson supported Bush doesn’t mean her dad did! She has a mind of her own—ahahahahahahaha, sorry I really thought I could finish that one without cracking up.

  17. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    A deeply religious man was secretly a homosexual? SHOCKING!

    • Inner Retard

      Considering he pimped out his daughters for fame and fortune I doubt he was ever that religious.

      • A lot of religious people have no problem whoring out female family members. It’s all about money and appearances with these people.

        Jessica started as a gospel singer, it’s no surprise they would try to cash in on her singing talent. I don’t know what they were trying to do with Ashlee.

      • Are you kidding? Sites like Christian Mingle are based on the concept that God is gonna send you the right mate, all you have to do is bust a move and make it easier for Him. The logic is that if The Lord didn’t want Joe to have daughters to pimp out, He wouldn’t have gven him any in the first place. The DD cups Joe slavered over were merely a sign that Jeebus approved of Jessica’s fame-whoredom.

  18. Joe Simpson Gay
    Mateo
    Commented on this photo:

    Super gay in this pic

  19. Joe Simpson Gay
    zomgbie
    Commented on this photo:

    baptist minister AND baptist masseur dont u know!!!

  20. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    “Which one of us is in the closet? This guy.”

  21. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    “I hope this doesn’t lead to a CLOSET! (wink, wink)”

  22. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hoth was, like, freezing y’all. I mean it was soooo cold, and this awful jacket was about the only thing I could wear when I was outdoors. But I did have this amazing experience, where I cut open a tauntaun with a crazy ole glow sword, and put my friend Luke in its stinky ole guts to keep him warm. And then I got naked and climbed in there with him to help keep him warm while we waited on the snow speeders to rescue us. It was, like, the greatest experience of my life y’all. I mean, I saved a life!”

  23. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    “YEEEEEEAAHHH! GAAAAAAAAAAAAY! OOKKAAAAAAAY!”

  24. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    “You smell wonderful.”

  25. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    “It’s like we’re doing crazy things we aren’t suppose’ta in the livingroom but the blinds are half open so folks walking their dogs can see us but we don’t really care cause it just feels so right. Don’t it feel like?”

  26. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    Too bad they’re blocking Tom Cruise. Then this pic would’ve been 300% creepy.

  27. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    At the opening ceremony of Tom Cruise’s Boot Camp for Straight Men (audits and massages included).

  28. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    Before coming out of the closet you gotta open the blinds.

  29. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    And these are my… daughters’ boyfriends! That’s right, my daugthers’.

  30. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    Keep a straight face, dude.

  31. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    Joe, you’re looking the wrong way – that guy in the beige fedora is eye-fucking you!

  32. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    200% creepy!

  33. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    I always knew Big Foot was gay.

  34. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    He shares Mena Suvari’s taste in men.

  35. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    Wilmer says he wants to date teenage girls, but I know what he really wants, hehehe.

  36. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    These stripes are straight like I am.

  37. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    Come on, suck my finger one more time. Nobody’s looking.

  38. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    We are pretty, oh so pretty, we are pretty and witty and… NOT gay! No! How dare you?!

  39. Gary Grant

    So all this time he was gay for Jessica’s boobs?

  40. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    Look at our teeth
    Look how they shine for you
    And everything you do
    Yeah, they’re all yellow

  41. Joe Simpson Gay
    Bionic_Crouton
    Commented on this photo:

    “What has two thumbs and likes penis?…THIS GUY!”

  42. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    He had me convinced at “Baptist Minister”

  43. Joe Simpson Gay
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    “I want to lather you in duck liver pate’ and roll you on my walls like a fucking painter…”

    “Geezzzz Mister…I was actually asking “What do you wanna do”, as in what kind of drink do you want….”

  44. anonym

    definitely flamin’.

    well, now I can’t get Joe Simpson’s face out of my head when I see Jessica.

    I see where she inherited her face from….. all down to the bump on the nose, which Ashley had surgically removed.

  45. Crissy

    This is as shocking as when Ricky Martin “came out”…. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahah!

  46. Buck

    It sounds like we can all agree that its never ok to be gay

  47. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    Most of these pictures are relatively unconvincing, but that necklace is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

  48. He must have really like the movie “Rock of Ages,” then. With really close emphasis on the Alec Baldwin and Russel Brand characters.

  49. Joe Simpson Gay
    Commented on this photo:

    Why does he always look like he’s ready for a dick in the mouth?!… oh…..right…

  50. Joe Simpson Gay
    KateKate
    Commented on this photo:

    “Chubby Seacrest Out!”

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