‘Jessica Johnson.’ *SNORT*

November 24th, 2010 // 34 Comments

Despite the fact 99.9% of my pallete is penis jokes, I completely missed the fact that Jessica Simpson will soon be Jessica “Johnson,” but apparently, she didn’t. Via Access Hollywood:

“… I love how confident he is and how he’s not fazed by this world and life that I’m living. He just remains the same and is really the foundation of our relationship. I can’t imagine my life without him in it.”
Simpson also mulled over the idea of taking John’s last name, but admitted that “Jessica Johnson” sounds a bit naughty. “It kind of sounds a little raunchy!” she said.

Wow. I’m honestly impressed with Jessica Simpson. She went from a loving tribute to the man marrying her for her money straight into a dick joke. It’s like we’re soul mates except one of us eats her emotions then farts them out at dinner guests. No, no, this can’t be right. Why, God, why would you do this?

And yet. *places hand on monitor* I’ve always known…

Photos: Splash News


  1. Ewe. First … and fat.

    • RandaI

      Jessica is a huge proponent of the KFC Double Down. She loves them and “can’t get enough of these dang things.” In her spare time Jessica enjoys karaoke, visiting local buffets, and meeting football players at pie-eating contests.

      Jessica has no children (that she knows of), allows her father to perform weekly deep tissue massages, and hopes someday through the grace of God that “the big guy above lets me squeeze out a little cabbage patch mini-me. Mrrrrrrph.


  2. Ok ok that was cruel …

    She’s not fat … she’s chubby … and has she done anything relevant in the past 5 years other than be a football player fucking bimbo? Girl go get a career!!!

    • Facebook me

      I believe the correct terminology is “feastively plump.”

    • Credit where credit is due; she has done a lot of USO shows for the troops. Of course she doesn’t look quite as good in a bikini as she did a few years ago but the guys in the field seem to appreciate her appearances.

  3. fester

    Jessica “Ya Doesn’t Has To Call Me” Johnson. It rolls off the tongue like an oversized bean burrito.

  4. Facebook me

    What? “Chicken of the Sea isn’t tuna afterall?”

    This bitch has ate her way to stupidville.

  5. Cock Dr

    Excellent fat concealment outfit…and there’s that big happy getting-laid-all-the-time smile.
    I wonder how much she’ll eat tomorrow. Boyfriend better call dibs on the gravy boat before she gets to it first.

  6. dude!

    Must be a slow news day.

  7. jojo

    Damn, again, she is such an asshole.

  8. fester

    Question: During intercourse does Jessica Simpson fart on the in-stroke or the out-stroke?
    Answer: Both. She allso farts during foreplay, orgasm, and post-coital snacking.

  9. Kerri

    “He just remains the same and is really the foundation of our relationship. I can’t imagine my life without him in it.”

    ok remind me again how long they have known each other? she is such a loser. WOW.

    • Elliott

      Or how many times she’s said this about the guy she’s dating? She says the same thing about all of her current dicks, so it’s kind of hard to believe that this certain one is all that she says he is.

      • qwerty

        It’s also hard to believe she’s actually found a someone who’s not fazed by her superstardom.I mean really,imagine how rare it must be for her to meet someone who sees her as just Jessica Simpson,not Jessica Simpson,the star of 2003′s mtv reality show.

  10. dnksch

    Why does the writer always pick on women for being slightly overweight? Jessica’s got a pretty face but she’s automatically disgusting because she doesn’t have a body like Nat portman? I bet he is a fatty himself.

    • Richard McBeef

      I don’t know fatty, might have something to do with the goddamn site being named the superficial or it could just be because he is a dick.

      Also, your post drips with fat like a roasting hog.

  11. DKNY

    His name is John Johnson? Did he have stupid parents?

  12. It just makes me mad, celebrities having so much money and being,,,, no more becoming overweight; cuz some of the ones that start fat use their money and get nutritionists and trainers and TRY. She gave up a LONG time ago. I think it has something to do with her fertile sister while she produces fertilizer…

    OH! But please do continue to sing/flop around for the troops,
    RIP Primo.

    • Anon

      So it makes you mad when people with whom you have no communication or relation whatsoever gain weight? You need to straighten out your priorities and focus on your own life, MJ…

      • No, it makes me mad when people have somewhat infinite resources and chose to waste them and their lives, people can gain weight all they fucking want it makes me feel better about myself I just don’t want to see talentless idiots with overstuffed shiteating grins crying that people are mean to them when they can easily make a difference in the world, if I had half her money the things I could do to help people is an endless list of charitable/selfish unnecessary cosmetic things. Focus on your like Anon not my pathetic one.

  13. meemee

    im really enjoying these comments today. i love my fellow nihilists.

  14. josh

    Not as fat as Bristol Palin but I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad news.

  15. “She went from a loving tribute to the man marrying her for her money straight into a dick joke.”


  16. anonymous

    everyone knows eric johnson is a fake beard that jessica parades around to throw the scent off of joe simpson banging her every night.

    he almost screwed up when he talked about how awesome her double d’s were a couple years back but since then he’s kept his mouth shut.

  17. Brooke

    I feel like a fucking idiot, but what is the joke? I know that Johnson is slang for dick, but is that the entire gag or was there a porn star named Jessica Johnson? Otherwise, big fuckteedoo, Jessica, you’re just going from one “son” to another. If you just want to make people laugh, hold up the cover of your new single to your face and pretend like you don’t know what Photoshop is.

  18. Kerrie

    she’s such an idiot. these two so won’t make it to the altar. public humiliation #321

  19. Jessica Simpson Eric Johnson
    Commented on this photo:


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