It’s Safe Now, America. Jessica Alba’s Here.

Hollywood actress Jessica Alba graced the halls of Capitol Hill yesterday afternoon, bringing with her a fierce determination to rid kids of chemicals or something, and momentary lapses in decorum to remind everyone she’s pregnant which, clearly, they should’ve already been aware of. She’s Jessica Alba. ABC News reports:

“Is it too hot in here?” Alba, who is pregnant with her second child, asked reporters. “I know there’s a lot of people,…getting a little warm.”
“We like it,” Sen. Frank Lautenberg, the sponsor of the Safe Chemicals Act, chimed in.
But Alba was unfazed, and quickly returned to her script, calling on Congress “to step in and ensure that chemicals are safe before our children are exposed to them” and pass the law as a gift to her unborn baby.
“As you may have heard, I will be having my second child soon, and it would be wonderful if Congress could pass this legislation in time for his or her arrival. Don’t send us flowers, no fruit baskets. Instead, let’s all give the gift of health to each other with the Safe Chemicals Act,” Alba said. “This is a common sense law. This isn’t a political issue, it’s a human issue, and our children should be healthy.”

And then, like a romantic Hollywood saga between an octogenarian pervert and the young actress whose ego he effortlessly manipulated into believing her mere presence would pass a feel-good legislation that will be defanged by corporate interests almost immediately, this story turned to love:

Lautenberg, who at 87 years old is the oldest current member of the Senate, was clearly impressed by the famous actress.
“She brings a different spirit than you normally see at the microphones, and it’s the first time I’ve played leading man.” Lautenberg, D-New Jersey, said. “Jessica is here because what is principle in her life and in so many of the people here, and women and families across the country is for your child, your grandchild, to be healthy.”

He then added, “And she’s got those juicy gams. Just so, so juicy… And with the milk coming right in? Yes, indeedy. My word, it’s hot in here after all. Gentlemen, I’ll be dabbing my forehead with this kerchief and licking my lips suggestively if anyone needs me. Like the goddamn tropics in here. Page, julep me!”

Photo: Getty, Splash News