It’s Safe Now, America. Jessica Alba’s Here.

May 25th, 2011 // 45 Comments

Hollywood actress Jessica Alba graced the halls of Capitol Hill yesterday afternoon, bringing with her a fierce determination to rid kids of chemicals or something, and momentary lapses in decorum to remind everyone she’s pregnant which, clearly, they should’ve already been aware of. She’s Jessica Alba. ABC News reports:

“Is it too hot in here?” Alba, who is pregnant with her second child, asked reporters. “I know there’s a lot of people,…getting a little warm.”
“We like it,” Sen. Frank Lautenberg, the sponsor of the Safe Chemicals Act, chimed in.
But Alba was unfazed, and quickly returned to her script, calling on Congress “to step in and ensure that chemicals are safe before our children are exposed to them” and pass the law as a gift to her unborn baby.
“As you may have heard, I will be having my second child soon, and it would be wonderful if Congress could pass this legislation in time for his or her arrival. Don’t send us flowers, no fruit baskets. Instead, let’s all give the gift of health to each other with the Safe Chemicals Act,” Alba said. “This is a common sense law. This isn’t a political issue, it’s a human issue, and our children should be healthy.”

And then, like a romantic Hollywood saga between an octogenarian pervert and the young actress whose ego he effortlessly manipulated into believing her mere presence would pass a feel-good legislation that will be defanged by corporate interests almost immediately, this story turned to love:

Lautenberg, who at 87 years old is the oldest current member of the Senate, was clearly impressed by the famous actress.
“She brings a different spirit than you normally see at the microphones, and it’s the first time I’ve played leading man.” Lautenberg, D-New Jersey, said. “Jessica is here because what is principle in her life and in so many of the people here, and women and families across the country is for your child, your grandchild, to be healthy.”

He then added, “And she’s got those juicy gams. Just so, so juicy… And with the milk coming right in? Yes, indeedy. My word, it’s hot in here after all. Gentlemen, I’ll be dabbing my forehead with this kerchief and licking my lips suggestively if anyone needs me. Like the goddamn tropics in here. Page, julep me!”

Photo: Getty, Splash News


  1. adrienne

    She looks like death warmed over…

  2. Venom

    Gams are legs, not breasts…

    • uncle ruckus

      @Venom Nice catch!

      Also, whatever did we do in the many decades before someone thought to draw up this wonderful legislation?? The “Safe Chemicals Act.” [Read: another boondoggle sure to help gov't and/or union employees, and incumbents' re-election efforts, while further hampering any signs of a recovery.] Doesn’t that just sound so nice? Don’t you worry yourselves, loyal subjects. The democrats are looking out for you.

  3. Dan

    Why in Alba relevant in the political arena? I think this takes from the whatever cause she is supporting’s credibility.

  4. I don’t know much about her, but she looks and sounds like a nice, smart, and caring woman. My mother would approve of a woman like this for me.

  5. Jessica Alba Safe Chemicals Act
    Willis Dikfitt
    Commented on this photo:

    Another Hollywood Liberal who knows nothing . Just like Jim Carrey and Jen McCarthy , remember they were proven wrong . If it weren’t for chemicals she wouldn’t have colored hair , fucking dumb twat .

  6. She’s one of the hottest women alive. @dan who would you rather be relevant in the polictical arena? Politicians, bureacrats, companies? all out to line their own pockets and with their own agendas. She is actually right this isn’t a ‘political’ issue as such, if she can bring attention to this cause and make it happen then she’s doing great.

    • Everyone has an agenda, especially celebs. While Jessica may have honest intentions and her fame can create interest, it irks me to see clueless celebs expecting the world to pay attention to them in the political arena when their claim to fame is having the best bikini ass shot. It just takes away from the issue itself; “…and it’s the first time I’ve played leading man”-Come on, you think this guy actually gives a shit about what she’s talking about? He’s making a spectacle of her and himself.

      • There are four primary motivations behind any human behaviour. I don’t doubt she does indeed have a personal motivation/agenda behind this appearance. At face value it would appear to be honest(ideology 2), protecting her children, but who knows? Addressing Congress will certainly stoke her ego(4).

        Lautenberg is making a spectacle of himself, I agree with you. She is playing him, he’s 87 years old, has no clue what’s going on and she’s probably the hottest woman whose ever given him the time of day. She is appealing to both his ego and his libido(3), he also sees an opportunity to raise his profile(money/power 1) by agreeing with whatever she says.

        ‘It takes away from the issue itself’, I, for one, would not have a fucking clue about this if Alba wasn’t involved. I can understand why clueless ‘celebs’ would irk you but Alba doesn’t just have a great ass she’s talented too.

        Personally, I think this a genuinely good cause and if it can get passed as statute then she will have accomplished something and made a difference.

        Neeeeeerrrrroooonnng, I’m an airplane!

      • Jillia

        You had me until you said Alba had talented. FAIL!!

      • Blech

        Maybe if you were nominated for Best Bikini-Ass Shot, you’d feel differently.

  7. Raymond Siste

    Has been. She’s getting those ugly “cultured” dark circles around her eyes.

  8. Richard McBeef

    I think it would be in the best interest of this country to forget about toxic chemicals for a bit and come together for a bipartisan congressional order preventing derek jeter from ruining hot women with the scourge of herpes. Jessica is better suited to speak on that topic anyway.

  9. mrsmass

    lautenberg is a old sack of shit. why is he on this site?

    yes jessica, we all care that you’re squeezing out another kid, especially Congress.

  10. The Everlasting Know-it-all

    Without a doubt, I’d still be ear deep in that

  11. Jessica Alba Safe Chemicals Act
    Commented on this photo:

    Man she lost her looks over the years

    • John January

      She hasn’t lost her looks. She looked better because of all the professional makeup, airbrushing, and digital enhancements.

  12. Oh good, Jessica Alba is giving up acting to pursue her true dream of doing science to stuff. How exactly is she qualified to comment on this topic?

    Jessica was a chemist, Jessica is no more.
    For what she thought was H2O, was H2SO4.

    • lol haven’t heard that rhyme in awhile :)

      not sure parading non-scientists in front of congress is much of an appeal to authority but maybe it’ll bring a little extra attention. there are a *lot* of great movies out that examine the effects of chemicals on humans, especially through food. ‘Homo Toxicus’ should open a few eyes

  13. I want to do her on the desk in the oval office while the president and the first lady watch.

  14. Ed

    What a spoiled princess. “Congress, Senator, can you lower the temperature in this giant hall so I don’t have to take my jacket off then pass this bill for my Jesus child. Did I mention I’m a famous hot pregnant actress? Senator can you fetch me a bottled water? Perrier, please.”

    • Whatever

      +1. I hate this self rightous bitch… Acts like she’s America’s Sweetheart, yet gets caught cheating on Cash Warren when they were dating, breaks up with Cash over the phone so the world doesn’t find out she’s actually a “cheater” (SO out of her character you know!) He wouldn’t marry her the first time around after years of being together so she conveniently gets knocked up AFTER the breakup to get his ass to marry her. And THEN names her daughter Honor. RIIIIIIGGGGHT.

  15. Deacon Jones

    Was hot, not anymore. Next.

  16. Cardinal Fang

    I love it. She’s worried about chemicals but probably has a house full of “made in China”. We all know how they feel about human rights and the environment.

  17. Here’s what’s going through the Senators’ minds, as she speaks, “Hmm, she does make a strong argument and she is one of Hollywood’s greatest minds, what with writing her own scripts on the fly, as she acts.”

    I’m kidding. This is what they’re really thinking, “Would I fuck her? On the one hand, she’s pregnant. On the other hand, she has a vagina. Yes! I’m in! Wait, what is blabbing on about?”

  18. Socially Akward

    She’s pretty so that means so knows how to run the country. I hope she can use her Fantastic Four powers to put an invisible barrier up around the chemicals to protect us all.

    Hopefully she’ll wear the Fantastic Four body suit too when she gets elected…that would be nice.

  19. Stephanie

    Don’t gams normally refer to legs?

  20. I’m no chemist, but I’d love to introduce her to a chemical I like to call STFU.

  21. SteveG

    Hot + Pregnant = Meh

  22. Jessica Alba Safe Chemicals Act
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘His or her arrival’? Apaprently the miracle of birth is no longer exciting after the first child, so she’s spicing up the second pregnancy by not learning the fetus’s gender. Artificial injection of excitement for the win!

  23. Osama Bin Laden

    That’s right bitches, I’m still alive!

    Also, I don’t think Obama was born in America.

  24. the captain

    the bankruptcy of california still didn’t satisfy her?

  25. Jessica Alba Safe Chemicals Act
    John January
    Commented on this photo:

    At least the oldest guy of the Senate thinks I’m hot.

  26. Jessica Alba Safe Chemicals Act
    Brain Damaged
    Commented on this photo:

    Is this how I should tilt my head so people won’t know I’m a bimbo?

  27. Jovy

    She’s attractive because?

  28. PJ

    Sorry Jessica, but you’ll always just be a Natalie Portman wannabe.

  29. xxxxxxxx

    Someone worte it for her, she read it and now she feels like a gineaus haha Sorry but this bitch is dumb as a rock. She has no clue what’s the difference between switzerland and sweden. She left school by the age of 16, she’s not smart at all but funny how the pretended to be.

  30. mamamiasweetpeaches

    She was always very cute but, man oh man, look at the bags under the eyes! Motherhoods NOT agreeing with her

  31. Blech

    I’d still prefer Alba over Palin as president.

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