Jessica Alba Can Starve Herself Now

August 15th, 2011 // 18 Comments

In an interview with Lucky, Jessica Alba revealed that her plans for dropping the baby weight essentially involve starving herself and intense exercise. Well, that kid popped out two days ago, fatty, so let’s drop that Jell-O and give me twenty! Ain’t no jigglin’ in my house! Via Facebook:

Hi Everyone,
Hope you’re enjoying the weekend. Cash and I are so excited to announce the birth of our daughter, Haven Garner Warren. She was born on Saturday, weighed 7lbs, and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy! Big Sister Honor couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to our family.
Thank you for all of your support during my pregnancy. It means the world to me.

In related news, Tina Fey also gave birth to a baby girl – Penelope Athena Richmond – which I’m only mentioning because I used my starving joke right out of the gate and am literally running out of shit to say about the 800 celebrities who gave birth this summer. Thankfully January Jones still has a bastard on the way because nothing writes its own jokes like a fatherless mystery baby. They’re an affront to God and hilarious. Seriously, more people should have them.

“What an adorable little boy. And where did he get those eyes from?”
“I dunno.”

Zing! POW!

Photo: Pacific Coast News


  1. nom de plume

    Uh, why does she have a boner?

  2. Cracker

    【ツ】yawn. This site is getting as disappointing as the president. Only thing its missing is BBQs, tax payer funded golf matches and (c)rappers. Youve got the ♠’s covered with KKs BFs, the ugliness (michelle) covered with most of the women *cough cough* posted about and the retarded kids by the majority of the posters.

    You sure youre not blogging from Pennsylvania Ave?


  3. I bet she really wishes she was the invisible woman

  4. Richard McBeef

    The only real story I see here is that her vagina can handle 7lbs and 19 inches.

    • TomFrank

      Aw, it’s so cute that you think her vagina and her uterus are the same thing.

      • Richard McBeef

        i think this one came out her ass/vagina, suprising considering c-section is the best option to prevent herpes infection during birth.

    • PoorMaryKelly

      7lbs/ 19 inches coming out and a whopper like that going in are two different things. Any woman who can take that going in needs to join the circus.

  5. TomFrank

    The father’s name is Cash and the kids’ names are…Honor and Haven? What will the next one be called? “Trust”? “Estate”? “Tax Shelter”?

    • Frank Burns

      Or maybe “Check” or “Charge”, so when Alba calls them to dinner she can yell out “Cash, check, or charge!”.

  6. Everyone knows the next child should be called Tango. And he will be the favorite.

  7. Vivian

    Breastfeeding burns a LOT of calories (about 500 a day), pair that with regular workouts and the pounds go down incredibly fast. I can tell you it DOES work, I lost my extra weigth that way. So no need to starve if she decides to breastfeed.

  8. Venom

    Congratulations to her and she looks hot no matter what.

  9. Jessica Alba Gives Birth
    Commented on this photo:

    Anyone notice the sweat stain?

  10. jaime

    is that a penis in her crotch?

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