Jennifer Lopez gave birth to a J-Boy and J-Girl early this J-Morning. Okay, this is getting J-tarded. Anyway, mom and kids are healthy and People has the exclusive details instead of me – again. Jerks:
The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs.
“Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon,” Lopez’s manager Simon Fields tells PEOPLE exclusively.
While I didn’t have the exclusive birth details, I do have this statement issued by Marc Anthony’s sworn enemy He-Man:
“I’d like to extend a heartfelt congratulations to Skeletor from all of us here at Castle Greyskull. Enjoy this magical time with your precious miracles. I look forward to battling over the fate of Eternia in the near future. I also anxiously await a newly-inspired J-Lo’s return to the studio. I’m a huge fan. If that surprises you, c’mon, I wear nothing but fur underwear and boots. You do the math. He he! Tootles!”
He-Man then issued an additional statement:
“Just to be clear I like to party with dudes. Call me, sillies! Ciao!”
He was last seen riding off with Battle-Cat to get Mango Smoothies. No whipped cream because “that’s for fatties.”
mim | February 22, 2008 at 9:34 am
YAY!
mim | February 22, 2008 at 9:34 am
first!
JoBOO | February 22, 2008 at 9:35 am
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mim | February 22, 2008 at 9:35 am
Where are all the jerks?
mim | February 22, 2008 at 9:36 am
JoBOO you are a johnny come lately….
… and FISH SUKS!
Jennifer | February 22, 2008 at 9:38 am
hard to believe. this guy has posted his personal ad to a celebrities dating site called ‘BillionaireCupid dot com’ for several months. i just visited his profile page yesterday. it seems he has not logged in recently.omg, is he looking for new relationships?
Prince Adam | February 22, 2008 at 9:39 am
….where’s that damn power sword when you need it lop the empty heads off of ‘firsters’.
Auntie Kryst | February 22, 2008 at 9:44 am
Jennifer whatever your slave lord is paying you to keep lockedup in some southeast asian sweatshop (with wifi apparently), I’ll double it. I’ll even feed and clothe you. Just stop with the goddamn spam you stupid fucking cunt.
Chupacabra | February 22, 2008 at 9:51 am
*BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!!!!!*
tight lipped smiler | February 22, 2008 at 9:51 am
Give them a week to learn to lift their arms then they’ll kick Skeletor’s ass if he tries to reach for Mom-ho’s tit.
Grunion | February 22, 2008 at 9:53 am
I’m surprised she didn’t have a j-section instead.
treeka | February 22, 2008 at 9:58 am
I love this site, and you are F’ing hi-larious Mr. S. You are almost equally as funny as the guy who writes for Woot.
Sillies!
Anal Fistula | February 22, 2008 at 10:04 am
I wonder which one of them is the biggest threat to eat the babies?
Skeletor, because he needs the calories?
or JLo, because babies are like delicious cupcakes?
by the power of Greyskull!
Imfamous Grouse | February 22, 2008 at 10:05 am
@8 – Very well put indeed.
katie | February 22, 2008 at 10:07 am
Man, with that big belly of hers, you would think they are 7 or 8 pounds each. Damn, they came out tiny.. way to tiny.. not healthy.. she must have retained alot of water.. anyways.. i gave birth to a 9lb 1 oz baby and my belly didnt even show.. creepy
Racer X | February 22, 2008 at 10:09 am
Baby chihuahuas para todos!
/Orko will save us
blp | February 22, 2008 at 10:22 am
How very dare you suggest He-Man, my childhood hero is gay! I clearly remember an episode where he boned She-Ra. OK maybe that was me playing with the action figures.
Joe C | February 22, 2008 at 10:26 am
Wow! At six lbs, the boy is already bigger than his dad.
Auntie Kryst | February 22, 2008 at 10:33 am
That damn cartoon show. Admittedly it took me several years before I finally got it and yelled out; “Holy shit, Evil Lynn, it’s a joke take on the name Evelyn. How did I not get that before?” I wasn’t so much upset; rather more embarrassed by all the stares I got in the lecture hall.
LadyJane | February 22, 2008 at 11:12 am
Her cooch now resembles the Lincoln Tunnel.
Liberty | February 22, 2008 at 11:14 am
You’ve outdone yourself! Mr Superficial writer who will one day be the L.O.M.L
catska | February 22, 2008 at 11:48 am
sooooooo funny I´m crying!!! hahaha skeletor!!!!!!
Willy Wonka's Wonkeye Factory | February 22, 2008 at 11:54 am
If your belly didn’t show at 9 months with a 9lb baby then you were obese to begin with. You should be thanking God and Hennessy that you even got someone to fuck you.
sportsdvl | February 22, 2008 at 11:54 am
They will have to be the 2 ugliest no-talent little beaners ever!
juniper | February 22, 2008 at 12:42 pm
He-man is cool. And they can name them Adam and Adora after he and her sister.
Gerald_Tarrant | February 22, 2008 at 1:16 pm
He-Man used to love him some Man-at-Arms. Then he found his true calling, 4 way sex between him and Man-e-faces.
Josh Dupe | February 22, 2008 at 1:52 pm
First pics? http://www.973kissfm.com/pages/russ2.html
Random Dude | February 22, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Who’s He Man ?
Jeebus | February 22, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Thanks Superficial writer, I’ve been reading this site for 2 years and this post made me laugh out loud. Though you left out the part where Skeletor and Beastman get it on on the bed next to JLo while she farts those puppies out.
cs | February 22, 2008 at 3:19 pm
@19 omg, i never made that connection. O_o Evil-Lyn! LMAO!
Now I have to go talk to my boss for not using my “cubicle voice.”
Just for the record, He-Man was NOT gay! He was trying to get with Man-At-Arm’s daughter, what’s-her-face! >:^(
me | February 22, 2008 at 3:36 pm
can we name the the twins jose and hose b?
Arguman | February 22, 2008 at 4:01 pm
this is the funniest, most creative post in a long time. it’s so much more interesting than the Lindsay/Paris/Britney triumvirate crap every day.
Lowlands | February 22, 2008 at 5:11 pm
One huge ball disappeared and at the same time two huge balls got confiscated by others.Must be a sad day for Marc Anthony. Congrats to the lucky parents anyway(:
Sauron | February 22, 2008 at 5:47 pm
A whole 3-ball billiard game disappeared at once??Though two balls are left.He can’t miss the hole now.However, congratulations to the proud parents:)
.. | February 22, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Congrats to J-LO!!!
redsonja1313 | February 22, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Dear Mr. SUPERficial………………….this may be your best post ever !!!!!!!!!!
If I didn’t believe you were some pox marked nerd sitting in a busted ass north Hollywood apartment drinking Yoo-Hoo and massaging Vaseline into your Kat Von D “LA-235″ tattoo I would propose marriage. Of course that is if your ok with my 52 cats and collection vintage TV rabbit ears and accompanying dollies.
kisses
Lowlands | February 22, 2008 at 6:09 pm
#34]Holy crap,this must be the snooker variant for blind people.I’ll bet the only thing he’ll be playing with in the near furture is the iron to finish off the diapers.
CaffeBeotch | February 22, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Battle-Cat! LMAO!
This has to be the best fish post in ages!
crazy otto | February 22, 2008 at 8:56 pm
…..she just gave birth to the highest grossing act of 2020……seriously
pinkdate | February 23, 2008 at 7:38 am
she must be a nnice mum, and she has just chated with the mums at pinkmingle. com , and she wanna learn more from them, haha
anita | February 23, 2008 at 7:56 am
my goodness someone give Marc Anthony a good meal. He looks like he’s about to pass out.
Pilatunes | February 23, 2008 at 11:56 am
I didn’t know the undead could father children…I’ve never seen that in any zombie movies.
The Beautiful Kind | February 23, 2008 at 5:36 pm
My man directed me to this site. I’m so amused that he reads this stuff. It IS clever and very maddox. This is the first I’ve learned that J-Lo the Ho was pregnant. Those twins weighed a lot for having a skeleton daddy. At least he THINKS he’s the daddy. MEthinks He-Man might’ve boned Jello behind Skeletor’s back! (vertebrae)
SexCrazedRetardStrong | February 23, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Well now Jello and Mark Anorexia just need to deliver the twins to Tom Cruise so he can feast on them and prepare for Xena…This is preordained in the Scifitomology Profecy of the Douchebag.
CelebrityFanChat Raph | February 23, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Congrats to JLo and Marc
Faithy | February 25, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Hubby looks like he already had crib death.
Aimee | April 2, 2008 at 10:41 am
I can’t stand her. I would never buy any of her products to promote her in any way.