Jennifer Lopez gives J-Birth

February 22nd, 2008 // 47 Comments

Jennifer Lopez gave birth to a J-Boy and J-Girl early this J-Morning. Okay, this is getting J-tarded. Anyway, mom and kids are healthy and People has the exclusive details instead of me – again. Jerks:

The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs.
“Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon,” Lopez’s manager Simon Fields tells PEOPLE exclusively.

While I didn’t have the exclusive birth details, I do have this statement issued by Marc Anthony’s sworn enemy He-Man:

“I’d like to extend a heartfelt congratulations to Skeletor from all of us here at Castle Greyskull. Enjoy this magical time with your precious miracles. I look forward to battling over the fate of Eternia in the near future. I also anxiously await a newly-inspired J-Lo’s return to the studio. I’m a huge fan. If that surprises you, c’mon, I wear nothing but fur underwear and boots. You do the math. He he! Tootles!”

He-Man then issued an additional statement:

“Just to be clear I like to party with dudes. Call me, sillies! Ciao!”

He was last seen riding off with Battle-Cat to get Mango Smoothies. No whipped cream because “that’s for fatties.”

superficial

  1. mim

    first!

  2. JoBOO

    FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. mim

    Where are all the jerks?

  4. mim

    JoBOO you are a johnny come lately….

    … and FISH SUKS!

  5. Jennifer

    hard to believe. this guy has posted his personal ad to a celebrities dating site called ‘BillionaireCupid dot com’ for several months. i just visited his profile page yesterday. it seems he has not logged in recently.omg, is he looking for new relationships?

  6. Prince Adam

    ….where’s that damn power sword when you need it lop the empty heads off of ‘firsters’.

  7. Auntie Kryst

    Jennifer whatever your slave lord is paying you to keep lockedup in some southeast asian sweatshop (with wifi apparently), I’ll double it. I’ll even feed and clothe you. Just stop with the goddamn spam you stupid fucking cunt.

  8. Chupacabra

    *BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!!!!!*

  9. tight lipped smiler

    Give them a week to learn to lift their arms then they’ll kick Skeletor’s ass if he tries to reach for Mom-ho’s tit.

  10. Grunion

    I’m surprised she didn’t have a j-section instead.

  11. treeka

    I love this site, and you are F’ing hi-larious Mr. S. You are almost equally as funny as the guy who writes for Woot.

    Sillies!

  12. Anal Fistula

    I wonder which one of them is the biggest threat to eat the babies?

    Skeletor, because he needs the calories?

    or JLo, because babies are like delicious cupcakes?

    by the power of Greyskull!

  13. Imfamous Grouse

    @8 – Very well put indeed.

  14. katie

    Man, with that big belly of hers, you would think they are 7 or 8 pounds each. Damn, they came out tiny.. way to tiny.. not healthy.. she must have retained alot of water.. anyways.. i gave birth to a 9lb 1 oz baby and my belly didnt even show.. creepy

  15. Racer X

    Baby chihuahuas para todos!

    /Orko will save us

  16. blp

    How very dare you suggest He-Man, my childhood hero is gay! I clearly remember an episode where he boned She-Ra. OK maybe that was me playing with the action figures.

  17. Joe C

    Wow! At six lbs, the boy is already bigger than his dad.

  18. Auntie Kryst

    That damn cartoon show. Admittedly it took me several years before I finally got it and yelled out; “Holy shit, Evil Lynn, it’s a joke take on the name Evelyn. How did I not get that before?” I wasn’t so much upset; rather more embarrassed by all the stares I got in the lecture hall.

  19. Her cooch now resembles the Lincoln Tunnel.

  20. Liberty

    You’ve outdone yourself! Mr Superficial writer who will one day be the L.O.M.L

  21. catska

    sooooooo funny I´m crying!!! hahaha skeletor!!!!!!

  22. If your belly didn’t show at 9 months with a 9lb baby then you were obese to begin with. You should be thanking God and Hennessy that you even got someone to fuck you.

  23. They will have to be the 2 ugliest no-talent little beaners ever!

  24. juniper

    He-man is cool. And they can name them Adam and Adora after he and her sister.

  25. Gerald_Tarrant

    He-Man used to love him some Man-at-Arms. Then he found his true calling, 4 way sex between him and Man-e-faces.

  26. Random Dude

    Who’s He Man ?

  27. Jeebus

    Thanks Superficial writer, I’ve been reading this site for 2 years and this post made me laugh out loud. Though you left out the part where Skeletor and Beastman get it on on the bed next to JLo while she farts those puppies out.

  28. cs

    @19 omg, i never made that connection. O_o Evil-Lyn! LMAO!

    Now I have to go talk to my boss for not using my “cubicle voice.”

    Just for the record, He-Man was NOT gay! He was trying to get with Man-At-Arm’s daughter, what’s-her-face! >:^(

  29. me

    can we name the the twins jose and hose b?

  30. Arguman

    this is the funniest, most creative post in a long time. it’s so much more interesting than the Lindsay/Paris/Britney triumvirate crap every day.

  31. Lowlands

    One huge ball disappeared and at the same time two huge balls got confiscated by others.Must be a sad day for Marc Anthony. Congrats to the lucky parents anyway(:

  32. Sauron

    A whole 3-ball billiard game disappeared at once??Though two balls are left.He can’t miss the hole now.However, congratulations to the proud parents:)

  33. ..

    Congrats to J-LO!!!

  34. redsonja1313

    Dear Mr. SUPERficial………………….this may be your best post ever !!!!!!!!!!

    If I didn’t believe you were some pox marked nerd sitting in a busted ass north Hollywood apartment drinking Yoo-Hoo and massaging Vaseline into your Kat Von D “LA-235″ tattoo I would propose marriage. Of course that is if your ok with my 52 cats and collection vintage TV rabbit ears and accompanying dollies.

    kisses

  35. Lowlands

    #34]Holy crap,this must be the snooker variant for blind people.I’ll bet the only thing he’ll be playing with in the near furture is the iron to finish off the diapers.

  36. CaffeBeotch

    Battle-Cat! LMAO!
    This has to be the best fish post in ages!

  37. crazy otto

    …..she just gave birth to the highest grossing act of 2020……seriously

  38. she must be a nnice mum, and she has just chated with the mums at pinkmingle. com , and she wanna learn more from them, haha

  39. anita

    my goodness someone give Marc Anthony a good meal. He looks like he’s about to pass out.

  40. Pilatunes

    I didn’t know the undead could father children…I’ve never seen that in any zombie movies.

  41. My man directed me to this site. I’m so amused that he reads this stuff. It IS clever and very maddox. This is the first I’ve learned that J-Lo the Ho was pregnant. Those twins weighed a lot for having a skeleton daddy. At least he THINKS he’s the daddy. MEthinks He-Man might’ve boned Jello behind Skeletor’s back! (vertebrae)

  42. SexCrazedRetardStrong

    Well now Jello and Mark Anorexia just need to deliver the twins to Tom Cruise so he can feast on them and prepare for Xena…This is preordained in the Scifitomology Profecy of the Douchebag.

  43. Congrats to JLo and Marc

  44. Faithy

    Hubby looks like he already had crib death.

  45. Aimee

    I can’t stand her. I would never buy any of her products to promote her in any way.

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