We’re Starting To Notice Your Face, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Evasive Action!

Based on what the Internet tells me in the most sensationalistic manner possible (Never change.), Jennifer Love Hewitt currently stars in a show that’s main plotline is she jerks everybody off. Which I’m not criticizing because I don’t think enough women understand how important an impromptu handjob is to not making men think about how much more sex they had with their ex while they’re driving you to the mall again, but enough about my motivational seminars at the Holiday Inn. Anyway, considering her show is the Jennifer Love Whack Off Hour, you’d assume she’d show a little more cleavage at last night’s A&E Upfronts, yet here she is wearing a dress that makes her right breast look like it’s dying and even more seriously causes my eyes to drift upward to her face. That’s not how you unload the three rings, Jennifer Love Hewitt, which I’m only telling you because I care about you getting married so much. Haha, pageview. What’s a pageview? Silly spinster.

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