This Is January Jones At 9-Years-Old

February 24th, 2014 // 27 Comments
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Because little boys are easily fooled by candy or people with weird noses who own their own amusement parks, they have no idea why making fun of their classmates’ appearance is stupid because here’s January Jones at nine years old who, iciness aside, grew up to be pretty fucking hot. But that’s not the amazing story here. The amazing story is that January Jones joined Instagram last month, and yet not a single photo on her account is of the child she birthed out of spite. There’s selfie after selfie of January, Jon Hamm, Rose Byrne, more selfies of January that actually make her look like an enjoyable, non-frost-based cyborg, and even a fake baby smoking a cigarette who’s apparently worth of her love, but no Xander. Although, it looks like there might be a shot of his dad. (Fuck you, I sat through Getaway.) Fortunately, the little bastard’s clearly aware of his plot in life and is already planning for the future:

January Jones Xander Dane Dancing

“Xander, when are you going to give me your dear mother some grandchildren to keep me company while you’re off gallivanting around?”
“Oh, zip it, you old icebag. I told you Fernando and I are dog people. Now who wants Mai Tais?”

Photos: Instagram


  1. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s a little-known fact that January Jones got her start in Hollywood as the fluffer for the baby in Addams Family Values.

  2. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that a smile? Who the fuck is this?

  3. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    LMFAO! Good lord.

  4. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    A whole of awkward-looking girls grow up to be babes.

    That’s why you always have to check the mom/aunts/sisters first.

  5. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    She must have not known the whereabouts of Xavier for half a hour… only reason why she is grinning so much.

  6. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    “Sorry, but what is this? I don’t think I have one.”

  7. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    You know how old you are when your first reaction upon looking at such a picture is “hey, that’s Simon Lebon!”?

    Goddamn fucking old, that’s how old.

  8. January Jones Instagram
    Woody Allen
    Commented on this photo:

    Wanna see my train set?

  9. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    that little boy grew up to be a pretty hot chick.

  10. LOL Fernando and the Mai Tais

  11. As creepy as the internet is, I wouldn’t put my kids pictures up on nay of these social media sites either.

  12. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    I thought you said there weren’t any shots of her kid.

  13. It’s about time Instagram has a mom that doesn’t flood the internet with baby pictures! Keep it up January!

  14. just as Paula answered I am inspired that a single mom can make $5226 in four weeks on the computer. find out here

  15. Mike

    Just like Uncle Phil said, maybe she doesn’t want to put up pictures of her kid because the Internet is creepy. The only pictures I’ve seen of him are from the media.

  16. January Jones Instagram
    Shaggy 2 Dope
    Commented on this photo:

    She looked like this, until she saw Jon Hamms cargo pants. His penis outline can make an adolescent into a full grown adult, is what I’m saying.

  17. Jonathan Lipnicki

  18. Nicki Sixx

    Keifer Sutherland was a cute kid!

  19. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    “I can… am, mouth! Two-mouth, I… !
    Ah, fuck this.”

  20. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    No wonder she’s so cold hearted, imagine the childhood she must have had!

  21. January Jones Instagram
    Commented on this photo:

    The creature’s hands have already started showing their true form. Soon, she will no longer be able to hide her true identity….

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