Janet Jackson is bad-naked

The paparazzi have done some pretty reprehensible things over the years, but secretly filming footage of Janet Jackson sunbathing naked has really crossed the line into an unjustifiable breach of privacy. Not Janet’s privacy, though. She gave that up when she invited her nipple into our homes for Sunday brunch. I’m talking about my right to go to sleep at night without my dreams being interrupted by the macabre image of Janet Jackson pretending her ass is a pair of bongo drums. Because if the Constitution doesn’t protect me from having to wake up every ten minutes to dry-heave and cry, then this isn’t truly the free nation our forefathers envisioned.