Just Shut Up And Listen To Robert Downey Jr. Say Awesome Shit: A Review of ‘Iron Man 3′

“Only douches still use Bluetooth? Well, then I guess that makes me a douche. A douche all over YOUR FACE. (Laser to the dick. Laser to the dick, go!)”

Welcome to the first review of the summer movie season which thankfully hasn’t been marred by a horrible tragedy we learned absolutely nothing from even after a second one happened just a few months later where even more kids died because this is America, goddammit, and you have to make us learn shit with your cold dead hands. Except not really because we’ll just shoot them off. But enough politics, let’s talk about Robert Downey Jr. quipping his dick off in a robot suit. PEW PEW!

(Not even two paragraphs in, and I’ve already said “dick” twice. Roger would’ve wanted it this way. He would’ve wanted it this way.)

Quick Note: This review is going to be quasi-spoiler-ish. I’ll warn in BIG BOLD LETTERS if I’m going to drop something, but for the most part, there honestly aren’t very many huge reveals like say the end of The Dark Knight Rises when we all found out that, yes, this thing is going to end with Batman still being a giant pussy. Wonderful.

The Shit That Worked:

- Sweet Baby Jesus in a frijole, the dialog. Shane Black should write and direct every single conversation anyone of us has with anyone ever. I’m talking, I take my first sip of coffee in the morning, then I say something awesome like, “I call this my faggot mug,” except I’ve already transformed into a badass, yet hilarious, homosexual hitman who made a great quip about pussy earlier so it’s totally cool. (Five people got that joke, the rest should immediately buy Kiss Kiss Bang Bang then come back and watch Iron Man 3 again with fresh, new doe eyes that now realize what a delicious salt lick they’ve been given.)

- Pretty much the entire fucking movie. Save a few little foibles and logistical issues which happens this was like watching some of the great action flicks of the 80s and 90s with a shiny, new Iron Man shell and dialog that will pull back your ear’s clitoral hood and go, “I’m Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die.”

- Tony Stark barely wearing the suit. You’re probably hearing by now that Robert Downey Jr. is barely in the Iron Man suit the entire movie which is true, but trust me when I say, just shut up, it works. Although, apparently Photo Boy heard people bitching that there were was “too much talking” even though there was literally an action sequence every 10 minutes at most, but I can see people being a tad butthurt thinking the the trailer promised them NON-STOP IRON MAN ACTION. You get an incredible action movie written and directed by the guy who wrote Lethal Weapon, one of the goddamn boilerplates for every American action film over the past three decades. Fuck, at one point, there was a buddy cop scene with Don Cheadle. And if it seems like I’m really going to bat for this movie, you have no idea how glad I am it made up for Iron Man 2 which was a soul-less abortion that even Robert Downey Jr. openly hates being a part of. It was a slapped-together two hour trailer for The Avengers where at least Iron Man 3 set out to tell a self-contained story without dealing with the baggage of lining up The Avengers 2. Something we’re apparently going to see a lot of from the Marvel Phase Two movies. Character-focused, self-contained movies except for – and this is a theory – Guardians of The Galaxy which I’m predicting is where we’ll see (SPOILER ALERT: the new, possibly Extremis-powered END SPOILER) Tony Stark show up next for a cameo to manhandle his anxiety over outside forces head on if these things are using Marvel NOW as a roadmap. There was a lot of misdirection in the marketing of Iron Man 3, and I’m counting all the talk about Robert Downey Jr. being completely done with his contract but still probably popping up in just The Avengers 2 as part of that. And to answer your questions, yes, I do read a lot of comic books and spend a lot of time wondering if the first time I see a vagina it will talk with a British accent.

- “Westworld.” At the premiere, Joss Whedon said Shane Black did everything right and basically raised the bar for The Avengers 2. I guarantee it’s entirely because of this line and this line only.

The Shit That Kinda Worked:

- The fact that The Avengers happened. As much as the movie tries to dance around it, and Marvel saying as much as possible that the future movies will show Nick Fury, Captain America and Thor being busy dealing with their own shit, (Does the Winter Soldier shoot flaming uranium out of his penis? Because he’s going to need to at this point.) it’s still hard to watch everything unfold with The Mandarin and not wonder how the hell Nick Fury or at least that chick from How I Met Your Mother in tight pants hasn’t showed up to go, “You know, we should probably justify having an entire aircraft carrier that flies just for the hell of it by using our unlimited futuristic technology that we’ve already demonstrated has the capacity to harness energy from a deity to find one person. It’s the least we can do.”

- Tony’s anxiety attacks. This plot device quickly goes to somewhat believable because, okay, insanely smart people obsess over things to an unhealthy level – *takes out magnifying glass, makes sure Internet still has porn on it* – to comical to okay, we fucking get it, New York was super stressful, but all you’re doing is reminding us that The Avengers and/or S.H.I.E.L.D. really should’ve showed up by now and gone, “For real, an entire flying fucking boat. Let us help.”

- Iron Patriot basically being an upgrade of War Machine and not Norman Osborn going batshit crazy attacking Asgard with his Dark Avengers. SPOILER ALERT: For future movies, just have Rhodey shoot whoever works on his suit as soon as they’re finished. END SPOILER It will save everyone a whole lot of trouble even if it’s just some kid in Afghanistan who spit-shines it. Because, let’s be real for a minute, you really can’t trust those types, according to the Breitbart.com editor holding a gun to my head making me type this shit he’s looking- So what, liberal Hollywood, the guy in red, white and blue can’t be the one to stop the villain? Only the pre-marital fornicator/former drug addict can? Talk about your typical “Everyone gets a ribbon” attitude. What’s next Piers Morgan as Batman? Because here’s a newsflash: WE WON THAT WAR. And without France’s help! I don’t care what your history books said. (But for reference, let me know what edition you’re using so we can have Texas edit it. America!)

- Pepper Potts. Gwyneth Paltrow has always been surprisingly non-annoying and serviceable as Pepper. And even with the absolutely gratuitous, and predictable, scene during the final battle (Also, did Marvel learn nothing about earpieces from The Avengers Honest Trailer? Jesus Christ.), she still manages to make you forget she’s Gwyneth Paltrow. At least until we have to see her crazy toned abs which we get it, Gwyneth Paltrow, you starve yourself to look remarkably in shape. We all saw your ass at the premiere.

The Shit That Shat:

- The ending. For a movie that managed to perfectly dance around what could’ve been a sappy cliche, the ending just threw all of that down the toilet and took a huge saccharine piss on it. Granted, my first reaction was a certain event happened way too quickly that I went, “Wait, why didn’t they do that from the beginning?” the more I thought about it, we were probably not-too-subtly shown that SPOILER ALERT: Tony has Extremis armor now. END SPOILER. and will see the end result of that in The Avengers 2 if not Guardians of The Galaxy. That said, the shit was way too sappy, and putting the end credits kicker as the actual final scene would’ve been a much better coda. Because if you have a life and don’t sit through a list of 80 million Chinese SFX workers just to see an Internet meme, you completely miss a pitch-perfect ending to Robert Downey Jr.’s solo Iron Man movies.

- The possibility that Marvel will try and make an Iron Man reboot way too soon or try to put someone else in the suit for The Avengers 3. At this stage, I don’t think Marvel is as desperate as DC is right now, so they can probably wait a few years especially considering all Robert Downey Jr. has to do now is show up for a few cameos, quip like a motherfucker and make a ridiculous amount of bank on the back end. Because, really, after this one, there’s no need for another solo Iron Man movie in this particular Marvel universe. You’ve said what needed to be said, this one wore out its welcome with a few people, so just stick to using Iron Man in small doses. That said, MONEY.

Alright, once again, I’ve written way too much which I genuinely didn’t think I would do this time because I actually enjoyed the shit out of Iron Man 3 and figured that would leave me with nothing to bitch about. Granted, it has its few glaring plot holes and logic problems – For example, I’m almost positive I watched Guy Pearce lob Iron Man’s entire leg off, yet there it still was. – this was a rare treat if you appreciate/grew up with old school 80s/90s blockbusters like Lethal Weapon or The Long Kiss Goodnight and also happen to be a giant nerd. That said, I can see how people might be disappointed coming off The Avengers, but to me anyway, this one still flew just underneath it on the spectacle level, but absolutely blows it away on the dialog level. I don’t give a Thor’s dick that Tony barely wore the suit or didn’t talk to Thanos, just make fun of little kids without a dad. That’s really all I ask for in a superhero movie.

Mark IX out of X.

NEW: The Shit Where I Make Photo Boy Talk About Nerd Stuff

Generally how this works is Fish and I see the big summer flicks together, then eat burritos and pick apart every aspect of a fictional world because, what are we supposed to do, have sex with women? Ha! You guys. Anyway, most of the time — and this time is no different — we pretty much agree on everything except for the extreme comic book minutia which usually has to be explained to me very slowly and I still don’t care about it. I’m a little more of an effects nerd, so to append Fish’s review in that regard, I would say there isn’t a bad effects sequence in this movie. There are times during the end/oil ship/battle that get a bit too cluttered and quick cut, but ultimately everything looks tight. Even the look of Extremis, which could have eaten fat dicks, was done extremely well. I felt Iron Patriot was shoved into the movie for no real reason other than to create one huge set piece, but again, I have no clue about the comic book origins of this character, so try to keep your head from exploding about why he had to be there. Downey Jr. was, as always, the straight-up balls and anyone who tries to say, “Waa, but he wasn’t in the suit enough!” Stop it. First of all, He wore it to the bar. Second, he figured out how to control it remotely to – Oh I don’t know, maybe – improve his odds against DYING inside it. You know, like a brilliant genius would do. The dialog was great, the less Avengers stuff was great. GOOP was kept to a minimum, so nice job there. My only other quibble, which Fish didn’t address is the villain. Nothing about these evil plans is new, but after facing interplanetary domination, shit’s going to pale in comparison. I get that. Alright, this is entirely too much of the “I agree, I agree, but what about this?” type of talk that should have been enjoyed over pineapple salsa. YOU BASTARD I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!! - Photo Boy

Photo: Marvel