“I knew you’d fly back to me, Amelia Earhart.”
The last time Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris got engaged, she ditched him five days before the wedding, hocked her ring then went on Howard Stern and told everyone Hugh’s a never-nude that ejaculates at the drop of a wooden nickel. So how you let a woman like that go is beyond me, and fortunately old Hugh felt the same way because he proposed to her again. Although in his defense, she could’ve just been standing in front of his favorite lamp when he got down on one knee. He gets engaged to more hookers that way. E! News reports:
The former runaway bride is officially ready to celebrate a New Year’s Eve wedding with Hef, a Playboy source confirms to E! News.
“Dear past, thank you for all the lessons. Dear future, I’m ready,” she tweeted recently.
Here’s what I want to know: Hugh Hefner is constantly surrounded by bleached blonde golddiggers who clearly have no problem doing freaky shit with an 80-year-old for room and board, so what exactly is Crystal Harris doing that these chicks aren’t? Actually, you know what? I don’t want to know that. No one tells me what that is. I don’t need mental images of an oatmeal vagina floating around my- GODDAMMIT.