How The Hell Are Only 30 People Following @BobDuato? (Subtitle: I’m On Vacation)

April 29th, 2012 // 48 Comments
Bob Duato

“You are now here to seek your retribution, Kenny Powers, in front of this nautical-themed gift shop complete with a great white shark edifice constructed by none other than BOB DUATO.”

When you image my personal life, I’m sure it’s not unlike a James Bond movie if James Bond made dick jokes about Paris Hilton instead of conducting high stakes espionage. Which isn’t far off except I get way more laid because Star Wars references make women’s underwear literally catch fire and then I swoop in while they’re unconscious. It a sensual dance. Anyway, leading such an exotic life can cause a man to lose sight of his roots and before you know it, he’s carrying fine smoked lox in his breast pockets and using Gwyneth Paltrow as a crude stick to ward off peasants until her shrill, bourgeois shrieking power grows hoarse. So to keep myself grounded, once a year I make a pilgrimage to the Redneck Riviera (Which apparently every single beach in the south is referred to as.) and spend an entire week experiencing the richness of the American South in all it’s commercialized splendor and tourist trap glory. There’s just something hypnotic about cramming 85 pounds of calabash into your gullet then stumbling out into the night to watch rotund, white Christian golfers cheat on their wives with strippers before getting into their mammoth, “Nobama” stickered SUVs and driving home to complain about gays ruining the sanctity of marriage. Most likely through the butt. And by hypnotic I mean this is where I bottle up all my hate for the year because, if the world is a school, America’s the kid in the helmet who spends all day jacking off in the corner.

On that note, Photo Boy will be handling the reins until I get back next Monday, so go easy on him because one day, years from now, he’ll usurp me as the writer of this blog but only after besting me in combat, removing my head with a sword and absorbing the dick joke lightning that escapes from the wound. It’s all very scientific.

Don’t raise up on me,

- The Superficial

Photo: Me, amateur paparazzo. (Anyone know how long it takes a shark to flash its beav? Just curious.)

superficial

  1. Hey, I’d recognize that piece of shit shark anywhere; you’re in my old stomping ground. (My dad owns 3 of the golf courses in that area, ’cause we like to fleece those assholes you mentioned. They paid for my liberal arts degree!) If you bang a chick wearing a Corona bikini, I hope you find enough Jager to forget about it. Also, visit Pop’s Place on 4th Ave. S. for redneck dive bar amazingness; Philipina mail-order brides singing Patsy Cline in a room full of Confederate and NASCAR memorabilia? Yes, ma’am!

  2. Rebecca

    I love the “nothing over $5.99 (one section)” banner!

  3. Rebecca

    I love the “nothing over $5.99 (one section)” banner!

  4. CranAppleSnapple

    I want to go to there!

  5. WSack

    HA! I’d know that place anywhere. Have fun Supe!

  6. Sven Golly

    There’s an easy trick to getting along with residents of The South. Just paint “Man Love Rules… Get ‘im Done!” on both sides of your vehicle in 18″ letters, then attach a couple rainbow-colored Johnny Reb flags to the back. Extra points for a sign in the window that reads, “I don’t know if he’s the Messiah but Jesus’ ass sure is DIVINE.” The typical Southerner really digs that kind of thing.

    • myrtle beach

      Wowza.
      Nice diction.
      Thanks for pointing the ever so educated finger at our southern stupidity, Mr. Golly.
      Yours Truly,
      Eata Biggun

      • Dick Hell

        I just assumed it was a testament to the region’s fervent embrace of diversity.

      • Boss Hogg

        I suspect Mr. Golly’s comment was merely a wry invitation to Fish to spend his vacation engaged in fistfights. The fact that it irritated some insecure southerners is just the gravy on them biscuits.

    • Anon

      I don’t get all the jokes about the South. I mean, I *get* them, but they get old fast. In my opinion, extreme right-wingers who say that Obama is the Antichrist are as idiotic and fun to make fun of as extreme liberals who say that Bush was the secular version of the Antichrist (does that exist?). I’m from the South, but I’m not ignorant or stupid.

    • kimmykimkim

      I’m from the south and I have no clue what you’re talking about nor have I ever seen any of the things you just described.

  7. That shark is about to eat the flag! Somebody shoot it! MERKA!

  8. Jennyjenjen

    It’s interesting you choose to spend your vacation frolicking amongst the enemy. But I suppose you get good material in that way.

    • BE

      So now we know:

      The Fish is a divorced middle aged mid-western guy who likes to golf (There is NO other reason to put up with NASCAR BTW).

      Oddly – I am not at all surprised…

      • I don’t know how you read the above and came up with any of that. But then, Fish himself once epically pointed out how much you pull stuff out of your ass.

        My recollection is that Fish said something once that led me to conclude he’s in his mid-30s. I don’t recall what, exactly, but I remember deducing from it that he was still in diapers when Star Wars first came out, and I felt somehow betrayed.

      • kimmykimkim

        Nice one, TomFrank! I think Fish is pretty close to my age, maybe a few years old. So yeah I guess that’d put him in his mid-thirties or close to. I was thinking that seems about right. I was just a baby when Star Wars came out too. Or was I? Wait, what year was that anyway?

      • Star Wars came out in 1977. You weren’t even alive yet.

      • kimmykimkim

        Oh yeah, totally wasn’t alive yet.

      • BE

        LMAO!!!

        So…..Let’s put this in perspective TomFrank. Mid-thirties means he is about to or has already been invited to his TWENTY year high school reunion. He also is possibly teenage photo boys father. Hence – MIDDLE AGED.

        Appears you’re still burning from your Octomom posts…

  9. Nice fiddy…. good fiddy.

  10. I thought this was in Corpus… by the Lexington

  11. Scotius

    “How The Hell Are Only 30 People Following @BobDuato?”
    Maybe because he’s only made one tweet so far?

  12. myrtle beach

    hey! that’s me!

  13. Cock Dr

    I’m thinking “Myrtle Beach”.
    Vacation spot of choice for those who love mini golf, NASCAR, and all you can eat bar-B-que.
    A good place for bottling hate towards middle American culture.

    • Deacon Jones

      lol, yeah really Doc.

      Maybe he just needs to “get his hate on” as we call it ion my office. Fuel the tank, so to speak.

      I actually heard that the bars there kick ass.

      • Cock Dr

        My in-laws moved there.
        I try to stay drunk and/or stoned whenever I’m in those city limits…it helps a lot.

      • El Jefe

        Drunk in Myrtle Beach is awesome. You make it sound like a bad thing.

      • Cock Dr

        Maybe if there were no in laws involved the buzz would be better.

      • kimmykimkim

        Cock Doc, oh, how I love you.

      • myrtle beach

        Being drunk is almost always awesome. Being drunk in Myrtle Beach is better than being sober in Myrtle Beach but it is almost always second best to “ANYWHERE ELSE”

        *My name is not just Myrtle Beach, I am also from there—I have the hermit crabs to prove it

  14. Dude of Dudes

    Ahh the obligatory “every white person in the south is a homophobe” post of the month.

  15. Venom

    I wonder if Gwyneth Paltrow ever shrieks. I like to think she does. I also like to call her Shrieker-Monkey. I don’t know if the hyphen is necessary, but it sure is fancy. I think Shrieker-Monkey would approve.

  16. I know that shark well, ive seen who goes in and out of that store. It has mouth herps, I’d use the side entrance.

  17. Aimee

    The worst people in Myrtle Beach are always people from Jersey and other northern states. You can spot them by their horrible sunburns, black socks with sandals, full clown makeup and jewelry on the beach, screeching kids and loud, nasal voices.

    • kimmykimkim

      Black socks with sandals?! Oh sweet jesus, that’s pretty fucking bad. Socks with sandals in general, but black socks?!

  18. LegMan

    Have fun in Topsail Beach, NC.. Great place.

  19. El Jefe

    Myrtle Beach is awesome, some of the best seafood and mini-golf and golf anywhere. I am not a fan of the South per se, but I don’t really consider Myrtle Beach, Hilton Head or even Boca Raton/Miami the South.

    Damn now I want to hop in the car and drive all the way down there and go to an all you can eat seafood buffet.

  20. Anon

    Since when did ridiculing one’s own country become a laudable thing? I get that a lot of people, myself included, aren’t happy with every aspect of American politics, society, etc., but seriously? This is trite and overused, but it’s true — if you think America is so shameful as to be compared to a kid in a helmet jacking off in the corner, you can find a job in a different country, get a working visa, leave the US, and eventually become a citizen elsewhere and renounce your American ties.

  21. watDhell

    Fish spending time in Myrtle Beach… how ironic.

    Contrary to all the nay sayers, it’s really not that bad of a place. Granted, i live here and make fun of all the ‘tour-ons’, but it sure as Hell beats any place in Kansas. Murrells Inlet (Nance’s) will not disappoint on seafood. Watch out for Canadian drivers.

  22. Dick Hell

    I fail to comprehend how Fish at Myrtle Beach is an example of irony.

  23. redneck riviera

    Gulf Shores, AL

  24. Wherever the fuck you are, Fish, have a good one. Say “tabarnac” to a French Canadian for me on the off chance that you see one.

  25. why, oh why would you come to myrtle beach on your vacation?

  26. Cadillac Jack

    Just picked up a Calabash Seafood Hut hat myself!

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