Some Crazy Dude Wants To Marry Hilary Duff Like I’m Not Even Here

*from a trash can outside* “You should throw that out. It looks ripped.”
*disguises voice* “Yeah, what that guy said!”

I’m not sure how closely some of you follow TMZ, but if you saw the latest news about Hilary Duff, I swear to God it wasn’t me! This time.

Hilary Duff could get a marriage proposal any day now, but it’s coming from a scary individual who is driving all over town searching for her.
We’ve learned Bev Hills police already reached out to Hilary’s people to warn them about the man. Law enforcement sources say the ordeal started earlier this month when he hired a limo driver. We’re told he was carrying a photo of a crib he said Hilary owned, but did not have her address.
He proceeded to have his driver search aimlessly for 2 hours while he spoke about his intent to marry Hilary. When the ride ended, we’re told the driver was so concerned he called cops, who then contacted Duff’s team.

Two things to clear my name here:

1. I didn’t tattoo “Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries,” across my chest because it looks fucking awesome. I did it because I was drunk.

2. I don’t know if there’s an easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come right out and say it: Brie Larson’s bodyguards treat me better. I’ve been spending more time over there, and it’s little things like saying, “Watch your head,” before punching me in the face. Or bringing the car almost to a complete stop before tossing me out to run over my leg. I’ve never felt such tenderness before, nor dare dream that I deserved it. It’s been wonderf- *gets flashlight shone in eyes*

“HE’S ON THE ROOF!”

HISSSSS!

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Tags: Hilary Duff