Hayden Panettiere’s Experiment With Normal Sized Penis is Over

Posted by Photo Boy

Hayden Panettiere thought she would be just fine bouncing from Wladimir Klitschko to Scotty McKnight. But now that’s ended as well and I’d like to just say, I saw this coming. TMZ:

Sources tell us … the two broke up a couple of weeks ago … but it wasn’t a nasty breakup. We’re told the two are still “really good friends.”

First of all, Wladimir Klitschko is a goddamn giant, heavyweight boxing champ, and avid kite-surfer, so it’s safe to assume his penis is roughly the size of Delaware. Scotty Mcknight plays for the Jets, but his name makes me think of a Mouseketeer. Exactly how was this relationship supposed to work? Or was Scotty just using Hayden’s almost assuredly destroyed netherland as a catching net this whole time? (Before you’re all, “Uh, duh, he’s a fucking wide receiver!!!” 1.] Welcome to The Superficial, we make shit up. 2.] He fantasizes about torturing and killing people, so I don’t give a shit.) The real lesson here, however, is for you ladies. You want to go all crazy with the huge dongs, huh? Look at Hayden, she’s ruined. Who could do anything with that now? Jon Hamm could and did in a dream I had, then sketched into my diary Nobody. So just be happy with the normal to slightly undersized penises that are readily available. Are you taking notes? Nevermind, here, I wrote it all down on the back of this map to my house.

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Getty