Happy Memorial Day!

May 30th, 2011 // 91 Comments
Macho Man Jesus

“I said I like my burgers RARE.

Like most Americans, The Superficial will honor our fallen soldiers by taking the day off and pretending every single of them died at Pearl Harbor and/or fighting Hitler because, let’s be honest, WWII is really the last great war we can justify by saying, “In our defense, he had that mustache.” And if that sounds offensive, wait until we’ve drunkenly abandoned all sense of pretense by 11 a.m.

SON: Dad, why do we get the day off to have a cookout?
DAD: Ya ever see the Rambo where he blows up Nam with a bow and arrow?
SON: No.
DAD: Then you fucking suck. *vomits into charcoal briquets*

Greatest Country on Earth. See you Tuesday,

- The Superficial

(Want to honor our troops without using questionable satire? Visit the IAVA.)

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Photo: Bobby Campbell

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  1. the captain

    getoutahere!!
    …………………………………….when?

  2. Heinrich Himmler

    Hey Obama! why not send troops to invade Norway too? Oh, that’s right, the Norwegians gave you you a Nobel PEACE prize…
    Ahh fuck ‘em, send in the drones anyway!!!

    Three wars at once is never really enough, is it?

    • Are you implying that Obama started any of the wars in which the US in involved right now? Also, he ended one of them.

      • Obama is the real gay magician.

        Is that you Mr. Worst President in history? You’re a Superficial commenter now?

      • Heinrich Himmler

        I just don’t get the blind love for Obama. It doesn’t seem to matter how many promises he has broken. How much money he throws at problems he has no power to repair. Or how inept he makes us look to the countries we owe trillions of dollars to. And before you reflexively call me a “Bush lover”, as far as I’m concerned, the only good thing Bush did was NOT to renew Clinton’s assault weapons ban. So lets just say that I’m done arguing with people who think our “African Warlord” is the second coming of their secular savior. When things collapse around us as a result of decades of all the inept Democrat/Republican greed, when all the silly supporters of both parties will be scrounging dumpsters for scrapes of food, perhaps then they will finally realize that Bush and Obama are essentially the same guy.

      • Rod Johnson

        What, are you stupid? He didn’t end shit. In fact, he is just some next twat sitting in the president’s office taking credit for shit he didnt do, and trying to prove he is not at fault for all the crap he failed.

    • TomFrank

      Well, what else does George W. Bush have to do with his free time? (That is who you meant by Worst President, right?)

      • George

        No, it is clearly OBAMA that is the worst! He is clueless, spineless and useless. Counting the days until he is gone from my view.

    • You mean the President who killed Bin Laden, navigated through the financial crisis, passed intelligent and necessary health care reforms, and has for the first time explicitly called for the only practical solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is the worst ever? Actually, he’s doing pretty well, considering he was handed one of the worst crises in modern American history.

      But don’t let facts get in the way of your ideology, no sir.

      • Cleveland Steamer

        “You mean the President who killed Bin Laden”

        After 8 yrs of the former presidents actions, it was eventual. Dont try and take credit for signing a piece of paper that ok’d what had already been set in motion.

        I find it EXTREMELY ironic that you anti-war, pacifist, liberal white guilt riddled sacks of shit who opposed ANY sort of action after 9-11, were anti-US involvement in any foreign conflict, are anti-military…now try and take credit for something you NEVER supported in the first place. Too funny. Its why fence walking, no true system of beliefs that youd die fighting for hypocrites like you (and the superficial writers & most commenters) dont matter to anyone except other liberal morons. If you all died in a car crash today, the world will be a better place.

        “Navigated through the financial crisis”

        Are you kidding? What crisis? Im doing better than I have in 15 years. Make more, have more investments in the +, have higher property value and have more $$$ saved.

        Maybe you think Joseph Hazelwood was a great “navigator” as well (google it, because I know you are so completely inept at knowing more than 3% of anything you believe in/ support).

        “Passed intelligent and necessary health care reforms”

        Yea, keep taking credit for the coming disaster for this “great & necessary” move. I dont need it. I work and pay for my own health insurance, just as everyone else should.

        “Has for the first time explicitly called for the only practical solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is the worst ever?”

        Solution is simple. Israel exists outside of where it was since 1947 because it took the land , in war. It is Israels. If someone else wants it, then let them wage war and take it back. Its how things work in reality.

        Also, there is no such “place” or “people” called palestine/palestinians. They were nomads kicked out of every single other middle eastern country when they emptied their jails. They are the scourge of the middle eastern world and deserve to be treated a such.

        “Actually, he’s doing pretty well, considering he was handed one of the worst crises in modern American history.”

        Doing pretty well huh? What has he done “pretty well”?

        *whistling*…waiting..

        He isnt qualified to run a mcdonalds, let alone a 7-11. He has no experience doing anything but working for reparations for blacks.

        But don’t let facts get in the way of your 3% of world knowledge and memorization of soundbites from The Daily Show, no sir.

      • I was 100% for the War in Afghanistan, and I’m real glad somebody shot Bin Laden in head. I’m not bothering with the rest of your post, but you say that your own experience disproves the existence of the financial crisis in America. Are you serious?

        Also, Barack Obama came from nothing to attend and excel at the best law school in the world. I think that qualifies him for a lot of things.

      • suck it

        “Also, there is no such “place” or “people” called palestine/palestinians. They were nomads kicked out of every single other middle eastern country when they emptied their jails. They are the scourge of the middle eastern world and deserve to be treated a such.”

        Are you fucking kidding me? The Palestinians were robbed of their land because people felt bad for the jews after WW2. If the Palestinians were nomadic scourge, then what exactly are Jews? I would guess, by your logic, nomadic thieves. Except they didn’t even steal Israel by themselves, they had to have other people do it. Which is worse?

        STFU Jewbag.

      • Pink Sock Aficionado

        @ suck it

        Woo Hoo!

        Nothing brings out the stinky muzzies like an anti-terrorist spawning comment!

        Youve been identified achmed!

      • Rod Johnson

        Obama hasn’t done shit, he had nothing to do with killing Bin Laden.

    • s'up bitches

      Asshole. Are you implying that Obama started the Iraq and Afghanistan wars? Are you serious? do some research shit bag. I am no fan of our current administration, but it’s fuck nuts like you that really distort the facts and lead people to make bad decisions.

  3. Matt

    What a busted ass post. The troops don’t do shit but volunteer their lives to serve. If you don’t like american policy then vote (the superficial has a platform to maybe change some thing amongst the wonderful tribute to T and A).

    Good on the IAVA link but why even try to get a laugh outta some shit like that. It’s akin to making fun of aborted fetus body parts. Some things just aren’t funny.

  4. PtC

    I happen to think aborted fetus body parts are terribly funny.

  5. Hal Jordan

    Time to celebrate Memorial Day by gettin’ reeeeeeaaaaaaaal high.

  6. America fuck yeah!

    The reason why the Americans were asked to take a ‘back seat’ in Libya was on the first day Marines killed a bunch of civilians. The rest of Nato told them to get the fuck out. Most of your women are hot and hollywood is cool but apart from that you have no socialized health care, what’s more amazing is most of your people are brainwashed to not even want it. Americans are the most ethnocentric and ignorant country in the civilized world and that’s all I’m going to say on that! For the record I have the greatest respect for all the Military, including the Americans.

    • This comment is dumb. Nobody read it.

    • You said a country with a black President and less than 300 years of history is ethnocentric. Nice work.

      • America fuck yeah!

        Do you even know what an ethnocentric culture is you dumb fuck? Try looking it up then commenting.

      • Yes, I know what ethnocentrism is. I took a sociology class too! And you’re wrong about everything, especially American women being hot. Few and far between, my friend, few and far between.

    • “…Most of your women are hot…”
      Seriously? Have you ever been to America? Where are you from, Bristlymolbania?

      • Doc Schweinstrudel

        Hey Gay Magitian, typical elitist jew douchebag spreading disinformation about Palestine and gulag your zionist folk set up there -with no electricity, no communication, no access to medication for children and women even- total genocide of Palestinians by vile masters of usury. And even taking credit for banking it on other people’s suffering in financial crisis! Good for you, orthodoxy Judaist, good for you. ANd defamatory about American women… LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, ugly jew. Look at your nose, your tiny penis and yeah you are probably bitter because no matter how many $$$ you bragged you made last year – women of American still would rather starve than pay attention to you, freak.
        Ps: I am no muslim so I support Palestinans only due to universal understanding of justice and humanity. And I am not American nor fat so fuck you beforehand.

      • Doc Schweinstrudel

        sorry-it was both for Gay Magician and Cleavland’s wiener

    • Rod Johnson

      You’re a retard, the USA is the greatest country in the world. I’m not even American and I can see that, you bloody fucking fool. The problem with Americans is how many selfish, underserving assholes live in N.America in general, and don’t have any clue what put them on top of the world to begin with – a way of life that sets us apart from all others.

      • I didn’t say anything about Israel at all, but good on your for being anti-Semitic. I’m sure your ignorant racism is really helping the Palestinian cause.

      • Doc Schweinstrudel

        I didn’t say anything racist, you moron! Judaism is a religion and zionism is a political movement. MORON

  7. BillBronsky

    I happen to find the post brutally honest and incredibly hilarious. What I find ironic is that it takes a comedian to point out such things. :) Happy Memory Day! Vamos a festejar

  8. me

    This writer has issues big time!! Nothing like wearing it on your sleeve! lmao

  9. Eric

    Why do people say Happy Memorial Day, like it’s a fucking birthday? Retards/

  10. Bucky Barnes

    Serious question, did the dinosaur Jesus rode in the Garden of Eden get to go to Heaven? If not, that whole business (religion) is a damned lie.

  11. George

    You really are a clueless jackass aren’t you. It’s obvious you have never served nor lost someone who has. May you enjoy your freedoms provided by so many others.

    • Knippy

      The Superficial’s brother is in the military and had two tours in Iraq.

    • Marco

      No one has died for my freedom in about 70 years (WWII). I wasn’t even alive then. So give me a break.

      Maybe the Iraqis or Afgans are celebrating our memorial day? Naw, probably not.

      • Jovy

        My previous post was to GEORGE, not Marco. Congratulations for making an ass of yourself on the internet.

    • Jovy

      No one has died for me or my freedom.

      Do people really stop and think about the shit they say? I support the military because my parents were Marines and my brother was in the Army, that’s pretty much the only reason. They don’t walk around with this “you owe me for serving in the military” attitude. Most people that go into the military today volunteer to go in because, big surprise here, that is what they want to do. So once again, no one has died for me and the only thing that gives me my “freedom” is the fact that I was born in America.

      • Marco

        Maybe you are not reading all of the comment, Jovy. Then you’ll get it. If you read then you’ll realize that some people claim that soldiers of current wars are dying for Americans freedom. Not so, Read before you type stupid shit,

  12. Super Patriot

    We should probably make Memorial Day exclusive to vets who were conscripted and designate a separate Sucker’s Day for the people who volunteered to get bumped off in more recent for-profit wars.

  13. whiskeyafternoon

    Whenever I see a lot of impassioned patriotic discourse on a link from a picture of Macho Man Savage dropping an elbow on Jesus, I have to ignore all of that and mention one obvious truth: Real Americans Love Boobies.

    • TomFrank

      So why don’t those angels show us their tits?

    • Kirk Cameron's Abortion Doctor

      Damn Right~! My God is a POW3RFUL God! A God that kicks ass & takes names! Peace is for pussies. Consensual sex is for the feeble-minded. America Worships the One True God, w/ rippling biceps & a six-pack of Power! Ha ha! Jesus is for fucked-up wankers, America

  14. Damn, Fish….you take the day off and Jeff Conaway bites it. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

    • TomFrank

      Relax. I’m sure that the guy who is basically known for one movie and a moderately successful TV series from which he was fired midway, and who has not been relevant in the 30 years since, will get an obituary post when Fish returns tomorrow.

      • Matthew

        No, I’m just sayin….Fish wasn’t here to report that he was getting worse, so his only chance of getting press crushed his heart….

        That was all. Grease sucked anyhow.

    • He died the other day, didn’t he?

  15. J-Dizzle

    And lo, it came to pass that Macho Man Randy Savage did prevent the impending rapture. Amen.

    • Bucky Barnes

      Judging from the graphic, Jesus’ defense against an elbow drop is to give the would-be assailant female genitalia, unless Randy always had a vagina…

  16. Venom

    I think the post was completely honest.
    There have not been real honest to god soldiers since back in the days of the World Wars.

    Let’s be honest, most of these so called heroes today are in the military because they can’t get a job and this is a paycheck with health care and benefits.
    You know how many girls I know that get married to these guys just so that they can get health care for them and their kids and the benefits…

    The soldiers today are nothing more than glorified bodyguards for the corporations that are taking the oil and other resources out of the countries that we invaded.

    This country is so afraid of creating another Vietnam situation that they constantly kiss these soldier’s asses and call them heroes whether they deserve it or not.
    Just because you happened to be in a uniform and got killed when you were wearing it, does not automatically make you a hero.
    Now a fireman when he goes into a burning building to save someone and dies, that is an act of heroism.

    • cc

      I am not an American, and I think I am quite capable of looking objectively at things American. And, to be blunt, I find this statement outrageous.

      I recently read a book called Babylon’s Ark, all about a man’s efforts to save the animals at the zoo in Iraq after are broke out. It was a grim and dangerous task, and the man could not have done save for two groups 1) a small group of Iraqis and 2) American Special Forces troops that were as compassionate as he was but whom were, he also said, ‘the toughest warriors in the world’.

      You should be ashamed of yourself.

      • Venom

        Hey retard, did it ever occur to you that the zoo issue would not have occurred if America did not illegally attack and bomb Iraq.

        Simpleton….

      • cc

        Yes that had occurred to me. The Iraq war was a disastrous decision. However, it doesn’t change the fact that most of the troops don’t deserve to be disparaged.

    • Jovy

      “There have not been real honest to god soldiers since back in the days of the World Wars. “-

      Are you fucking kidding me? Get the fuck out of here with that bull shit. Aaaaand the award for the most ridiculous, asinine comment of the year goes to venom and his wide vagina.

      sol·dier/ˈsōljər/
      Verb: Serve as a soldier.
      Noun: A person who serves in an army.

      See, I made it nice and short in the hopes that, even a neanderthal such as yourself, would be able to comprehend it.

  17. Venom

    And on a side note, I have found that most of the people that kiss these soldiers asses and constantly call them heroes and yell Salute the Troops, are the biggest pussies in the world that were too scared to put on a uniform and grab a gun themselves.

    For example Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, Sean Hannity, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck. All a bunch of pussies that were too afraid to join the military themselves.
    Bush started two wars, but his pansy ass daughters did not feel they needed to serve. I don’t see why they could not, Prince William and Harry are both in the military.
    Look at Mitt Romney, he never served and he has like 7 sons and not one of them is in the military.

    The only purpose of Memorial Day now is for car dealers to sell cars and Outback to sell more Bloomin Onions.

    • rough smacked

      Ridiculous, this is the only time i have a chance to get my new car stereo installed, everyone is booked. Happy Memorial Day!

    • Pink Sock Aficionado

      @ Venom

      “For example Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, Sean Hannity, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck. ”

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…I LOVE it how these people get under your skin…and how liberals hate things they cant grasp the knowledge of in 3 seconds, or lack the education to understand.

      Keep digging ditches and posting comments here Venom. You are a great example of what the kids here will turn out to be if the keep cutting class and sucking black dick at the public transpo stop under the bridge.

      • s'up bitches

        He’s right, and you know it. It is common knowledge in this fucked up country that the biggest patriots are chicken hawks that never served. You are obviously
        one of them, you pathetic piece of shit.

    • Venom

      Hilarious.
      I own several businesses and have 3 degrees and my closet is probably bigger than your whole house.
      My father is a surgeon and his property taxes are probably more than you make in a whole year.

      I have found over the years that people that talk like you are usually poor as shit and make comments like that because in your delusions you think you are going to be like these people one day. You vote for people like the Republicans because you think one day that you will be rich and if you vote for them it will benefit you in the long run, even though in the meantime they are fucking you over.

      I will bet money my watch collection cost more than you have made in the last 5 years.

      BTW, the richest people in this country are Democrats, not Republicans.
      Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg just to give a few examples.

      • s'up bitches

        You seen your wife lately? You may want to slap the pool boy’s dick out of her mouth long enough to school her on how the boss shouldn’t fuck the help, even if your pathetic limp dicked ass is the only alternative.

      • Jovy

        “I own several businesses and have 3 degrees and my closet is probably bigger than your whole house.-”

        Pics or youre a fucken liar.

      • Ben Whofleck

        Remember it’s not the Swatch watch that costs so much, it’s the rubber protector for the crappy Swatch watch.

  18. rough smacked

    BTW I have a feeling the hippie will disappear right before MM’s elbow drop.

  19. VerucaSalt

    I believe there are things that are a fact of life that you have to find humor in to keep from stabbing yourself in the neck. I also believe there are things that go beyond this. Things that are not to be made fun of or disrespected. I respect someone who puts their life on the line for my well being. Family members and otherwise who died for all of us. I also love God. I love Jesus. I even know, like,and respect people of the Jewish faith. I respect everyones faith. I respect a person’s right not to believe in anything. That is their choice.Christianity is my choice. If you think Jesus is a douchbag? That’s your choice. Mine is to believe otherwise. My friends have family members that died in the Holocaust. It’s my right as an American to believe Himmler is a truly horrid person and he and what he stands for is not funny. I just can’t find anything about it ,suck it, that’s funny.

    • John Galt

      And your point is?

      • John Galt

        BTW, we just hit 1500 American deaths in Afganistan. We are at war in three countries. No one even talks about the cost anymore. It’s Memorial Day. And where do you think our African Warlord President spent the afternoon?

        Out on the golf course!

        I am so ashamed that this guy is our “leader”.

      • Super Patriot

        Galt, I talk about the cost, in blood and treasure. I can’t help but think the trillions we spend on defense could be better used elsewhere. Of course, “defense” is a misnomer. What it really means is that we project military power all over the globe to protect the commercial interests of the mega rich. Did you see that tidbit last year about the average cost of a gallon of fuel used in the Afghanistan theater being over $300? We use a fucking lot of it too.
        I disagree that it would be any different if Obama were not president. he has continued and expanded Bush policies. Anybody who holds the top office in the American kleptocracy would do the same.

    • You’re mixing up objectivity and subjectivity here. Himmler was objectively a terrible person. Jesus, religion, those things for which we have no proof, only belief – they’re subjective. You can believe whatever you want, that’s fine, but Nazis objectively suck.

  20. Ismoss

    Well we will never know if those wars since WWII weren’t worthy of our involvement, but then again we are free to sit here and discuss it anyway.

    • John Galt

      Well I’m sure that our nation is secure now that we have an openly gay military and women stationed aboard attack submarines. Not to further the goal of combat readiness, but in the name of equal opportunity.

      • Ben Whofleck

        Openly gay people can do their jobs just as well as closeted gays. Also, I’m pretty sure heteros do okay too. Your argument is moot.

    • Haha look at this guy, against gay people in the military. Yeah, their sexual preference somehow makes them less combat-ready. You idiot.

      Also, you guys seem to have completely forgotten about the Korean War.

  21. Doc Schweinstrudel

    All wars are waged for resources. WW1, WW2 and so on.
    You either speak good of the dead or remain silent. It’s a MEMORIAL.
    If you call yourself a Christian person. How can you say you respect jews and Judaism if He was the one who unmasked Judaist Pharisees and spoke AGAINST their religion, it’s evil ways, if He was the one who was cucified with their plot.

    • Jesus didn’t speak against Judaism, you idiot. He had a Passover Seder the night before he allegedly died! You’re just some racist jerk.

      And no, all wars are not waged for resources. That’s a simplistic view of world politics that fails to take into account relationships of power and, indeed, the personalities of different world leaders. It makes sense to you, but that’s because you don’t know anything.

  22. John Galt

    Moot? Really? You must think the military is a jobs program. You place your loyalty not to the greater needs of the whole, but to the smaller group of your compratriots. Soon, to show “tolerance” promotion will be based on your sex, or race, or orientation. Not on your performance of duty. We will have a command structure that based on appearance instead of ability. While you may be fine with that because it is a benefit to you, it shows that you have no real concern for the greater need of us all. In the end it is all about sexual, racial, tribalism.

    • You suck more than Ayn Rand’s writing, and that’s a heck of a lot.

      • Heinrich Himmler

        When no reasonable argument can be made, a fool will resort to insults. When his insults only make him look more foolish, he will get get angry. So go ahead GAY MAGICIAN, say what we know you will.

  23. j/k

    TLDR, the pic is cool.

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