Gwyneth Paltrow is fat

February 20th, 2006 // 63 Comments

gwyneth-paltrow-pregnant.jpgWhoa, look how fat Gwyneth Paltrow has gotten recently. Must be all those fish and chips. Oh, that’s right, she’s pregnant. Nevermind. She keeps talking about how much she loves being a mom, but if she loved that baby so much then why did she eat him? She also seems to be laughing – maybe someone told a joke about how fat and stupid americans are, since she always enjoys that. You know what I’d enjoy? Switching her baby with a monkey at birth and then trying to convince her that it’s retarded. And that the best way to breast-feed him would be to paint her boobs like bananas.


  1. iamboredatwork

    I am waiting for the first idiot to associate the comment on Gwyneth eating her baby with abortion.

  2. PKClover

    Wow. So it must have something to do with Gwyneth Paltrow. The Superficial stories involving her just aren’t funny. =( I know you can do better Superficial, so I will give you another chance.

  3. chryssy11

    I guess I don’t understand why being pregnant = the right to wear a two piece. I mean come on…nobody wants to see a fat person in a bikini…..pregnant or not.

  4. Catscratch

    Ever try wearing one of those one piece maternity bathingsuits?

    UGGG!! Trust me, if you had, you’d understand the desire to wear a bikini while pregnant.

  5. I cannot locate Gwyneth Paltrow in this photograph. Is she behind the blimp?

  6. Amorena

    (scrolling up to the K-Fed item… a little bit less boring)

  7. TaiTai

    The point is not her comfort, it is our unprotected eyeballs.

    Anyway this used to be a one-piece. It is from the Stella McCartney line of maternity swimwear and she removed the middle section because it said “Punch Me Here.”

  8. butterflynans

    agree with 6, takes a nap. has nightmare about Gweneth and Fed’s baby together.

  9. Maybe now she can star in Shallow Hal 2 and not need the fat suit. Who would play the skinny chick though?

  10. Catscratch


    There’s a simple solution to that. Don’t stare. *rolling eyes*

  11. DonLes91

    To # 9 – Kirsten Dunst. Before I scrolled down to see the gut on Gwyneth (not paying attention to the title either), I thought that’s who this was.

  12. debs

    At least this picture proves once and for all that not all Hollywood women get boob jobs. Tie that top a little tighter around the neck, Gwynnie! Hoist those girls up to where they belong!

  13. jugsgirl

    # 7 TaiTai is funny !

  14. Populist

    This picture has given me my first cold shiver of the day. It almost looks like someone built a snow woman and stuck a wig and a bikini top on it.

  15. St.Minutia

    #2 & #6. I thing Gwennie with a retarded monkey baby breastfeeding from bananna boobies is funny. Ha ha ha ha.

  16. nichole

    Note to self: Skip the beach and/or pool when pregnant one day. That way I won’t be hideous, yet comfortable in a two piece. And I won’t have to be uncomfortable and semi-bearable looking in a one piece.

  17. Grizzlies

    To # 11 Good Call! Cant these people at least do the spray tan thing?

  18. PassiveAggressive

    Aren’s you tired of making fun of a pregnant woman? So what that she’s pale and fat? SHE’S PREGNANT for God’s sake. Pregnancy is natural and beautiful in its own way. Go make fun of Britney and her hillbilly husband, leave Gwyneth alone.

  19. ESQ

    Are we sure it is Chris Martin’s baby? He’s such a fag.

  20. Aimtrue

    #1 that idiot wouldbe you because somewhere in your mind you made that connection and then made your post.

    Second-For the small group who love fat bellies and saggy boobs thank you for the picture. For Gweneth she is an over adoring mother who does not know that you just pick any word for a name. But she is not like Brittney and K-Fed. When we saw that gut we wonder what the hell was ozzing inside. It could have just been a nasty case of gas from pork rinds, beer and constipation caused by a narcotic habit. Or it could have been the DNA of trailier trash mixxing it up. We still don’t have the answer

  21. Alissi

    im pale. but i have an excuse. im a broke fifteen year old”enjoying” wintry british weather. old gwynnie has the cash for sunning herself or spraying herself. at the mo, shes preggers, so ill just ignore everything about her til she pops her sprog. then ill continue wondering why the F*ck she doesnt buy some St Tropez.

  22. iamboredatwork

    #20 You obviously didn’t read the prior Gwyn post so I am not even going to comment. LOL If you get a chance read the baby shower post and then you will know what I am talking about.

  23. Catscratch


    She’s in Mexico probably trying to *GET* a tan, hence the bikini.

    Cut the girl some slack here. I know she’s obnoxious, overbearing and sanctimonious but she’s also fricking pregnant and on vacation.

    The only time a pregnant woman feels (and by default looks) glamourous, sexy and beautiful is after a 12 hour salon session involving facials, mani/pedicures, massage, aromatherapy, make-up application and hairstyling followed by a no holds barred shopping spree at Tiffany’s.

    The rest of the time you feel fat, sore, tired, pimply, hungry, moody, frustrated, impatient and pissed off and quite frankly don’t give a damn what you wear so long as you’re fricking comfortable and able to move without your underwear binding and rolling underneath your tummy.

  24. jugsgirl

    wow catscratch-
    did u have a rough time while pregnant? i’m sorry it was so aweful.
    maybe you need a spa day?

  25. Jayne

    there’s like..far better celebrity news out at the moment.

    Like how the new James Bond (Daniel Craig) lost his teeth after he was knocked out while making a fight scene.


    Like how Nick Lachey wants his ex wife to pay him and give back the jewelry (..which I can’t understand HOW he could afford..) he gave her.


    About how hot Lindsay Lohan looks in these new pictures of her current photo shoot I saw recently.

    There’s much more potential..


  26. Catscratch

    Actually Jug, I *AM* pregnant, 27 weeks on Wednesday.

    And yes, I fricking need a spa day, but because I’m on bedrest (which is why I can waste so much time here) that is not in the offing.

    My only consolation, aside from the fact that my son/occupant is healthy, is that the current crop of preggo celebrities have their moments when they look as scary bad as I do at the moment.

  27. eyespy27

    ok at 2:00pm i want everybody to yell “i hate gwyneth.” because i do. i know she would be able to feel the bad karma. she’s very sensitive.

    i wonder if she ever plugs chris martin with a strap on dildo… hmmm

  28. jugsgirl

    sorry catscratch-

    wow we have something in common – i am knocked up too. im thanking god right now, im not as cranky as you! im glad your little spawn is healthy, i also am glad gwyneth looks to be healthy too. but don’t be so serious, laugh – i promise its good for the baby.

  29. jugsgirl

    hey catscratch –

    look at the brightside, at least you can be cranky on this website and you wont have to take out all that aggression on your baby’s daddy. i bet hes grateful!

    feel better

  30. LoneWolf

    Painting her boobs yellow might be overkill – they look to me like they’re already shaped like bananas. Maybe she’ll name this kid “Banana”. Or “Orange”. Then, when she sells the pics for a million dollars to a tabloid and we want to to talk about how ugly her kids’s faces are, we’ll say that we’ll say that we’re comparing Apple’s to Orange’s.

    Christ, that was a long way to go for a bad pun.

  31. Catscratch

    Sorry, I have a funeral on Thursday with a bunch of people who are going to be petting my stomach and telling me I look ‘wonderful’ to my face while making snide remarks about my weight, or what I wear or the fact I’ll be in a wheelchair or whatever behind my back.

    Kinda like some folks around here….

    I admit, I’m taking it a little personally.

    When it gets really bad, I just think of a woman I met a few weeks ago (before everything went south) in the baby department of Walmart. We were talking about baby bath tubs (she’s a first time mom, this is my 3rd time around) and she mentioned her hubby would be doing most of the baby care because she would be having a C-section a month early so she could start chemo treatments ASAP and she was worrying because she wouldn’t be able to help him out.

    As bad as things get, they can always be worse.

  32. MystressJade

    Hey jugs, if I post, will I get pregnant?

  33. gogoboots

    I think she looks cute…! Kidding, I love it when movie stars get fat when they’re preggers, you watch ‘em go nuts afterwards losing the weight like there’s no tomorrow (i.e. Denise Richards, Kate Hudson, Debra Messing, Courtney Cox, most models, etc). I rest my case…

  34. jugsgirl


    seriously its what all the cool people are doing.

    if u want to be cool – don’t use a condom !

    there has to be something in the water, its like a new baby boom or something!

  35. gogoboots

    Nicole’s on her way to looking like Gwyenth for sure, check it out

  36. jugsgirl

    Pregos are beautiful. Don’t take the remarks about your weight to heart. I’m loving it – if I want ice cream for breakfast I eat it. If I want a glass of choco milk with every meal I drink it. This is like the only time in your life that you can eat whatever you wish, and so what if you gain a couple extra pounds. Everyone else in the world is on one crazy diet or another – you have permission to eat anything (in moderation except sushi). I think running in the park with a stroller will be fun. I love getting fat – my boobs have grown like 3 cup sizes – its awesome. I’m finally getting a little figure – its hot.

    I have yet to get used to the petting of my belly- but I take it as if everyone in the world want to share in my happiness.

    By the way – people who make fun of wheelchair users really are loosers, why would you even care what they have to say?

    Good luck and I think everything with your little one will be fine.

  37. ribbit25

    what’s wrong with strap on didlos? I swear, people need to stop being so judgmental…

  38. Big Fig

    I’m not really into babies, I mean they’re cute and fun, but as soon as they cry or crap their pants, I pass ‘em right on back to momma. Props to you girls with the patience to deal with that kind of thing.

    PS- I think I’m the only one who thinks a pregnant woman in a bikini is no big deal. Gwyneth Paltrow is still kind of lame though.

  39. jugsgirl

    I have no probs with strap on dildos ! In fact I’m for strap on dildos. Strap on dildos are cool!

  40. jugsgirl

    Big Fig is a cutie !

  41. HughJorganthethird

    Yeah England is the tops allright. The only thing they don’t seem to have is FUCKING SUNLIGHT.I mean holy fuck it’s about time she got that pasty ass body outside. Who needs an ultrasound anyway, I can see the kid from here. He looks fine, but embarrased for some reason.

  42. Tracie

    Well, since we’re on the topic of pregnant chicks:

    Have there been any studies on what extreme amounts of hair bleach does to a fetus? I’m already aware of how little boys whose moms used a lot of nail polish and perfume may end up with smaller winkies:

  43. I have to say.. most of the time I find the articles here hilarious and very witty.. but putting down a beautiful, talented pregnant woman isn’t funny.

    I’m not impressed.

  44. MystressJade

    I gotta give big props to the pregnant ladies out there….Goodluck and godspeed…

    I have already done my duty and produced to more men to add to the population. God, I’m praying they don’t turn out to be K-Fed’s backup dancers….*shiver

  45. A Nobody

    Who writes these stuff? I’m the kind of person who find Jesus being hit by trucks funny but I don’t find this funny. Are you guys running out of celebrities to destroy? Because there are plenty of untalented, drunk, high chicks who aren’t pregant (yet) and are just waiting for you sobs to gain their publicity.

  46. slinkhard

    ‘putting down a beautiful, talented pregnant woman isn’t funny.’

    I agree that calling pregnant folk fat is kind of lame, but Gwhiny is neither beautiful nor talented at the best of times.

  47. #43 Who the hell are you calling “beautiful and talented”? Have you seen Sky Capt. and the World of Tomorrow. I don’t want to punch her in the belly, but I do want to push her belly button back in…

  48. #45 – Bravo, well said. Kudos to you. I only wish you had left a link so I could go and congratulate you once more.

    #47 – Every celebrity makes mistakes in choosing roles. Look at the big picture.

  49. jennyjenjen

    Hey Catscratch.. you are one of those hillbillys who has an intimate understanding of the innerworkings of our governments social security and permanent “diasbility” payment system aren’t you? I betyou alsocollect disability and know just who to call when your check is a day late…. DCF has your number don’t they?? Why do I care about some other hillbilly you spoke with at Walmart? Seriously…

  50. jennyjenjen

    Oh.. and GoGoBoots, most of us, read all the posts.. sad, but true.. you don’t have to put your link on every post.. frankly, it seems a bit desperate, kinda psycho and a little obsessive.

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