Gwyneth Paltrow Named People’s Most Beautiful Woman, Organic Scone Bribery Suspected

April 24th, 2013 // 51 Comments
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People magazine is apparently in the trolling business now because they just announced Gwyneth Paltrow as their 2013 World’s Most Beautiful Woman knowing full well everyone would go, “Wait, the child-starving plutocrat who thinks she can say nigger because her husband sang that song with Beyonce‘s husband? That Gwyneth Paltrow?” To which People will reply, “Why, yes, isn’t she lovely?” then excuse itself and laugh for 20 minutes in the bathroom because, c’mon, who didn’t see the religion shelf?

The Middle East, that’s who. HOLY ALLAH, LOOK WHAT SHE DID TO THE QU’RAN!

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INF, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. She lays her shits down on doilies made from organic cotton.

    I drop mine on copies of People magazine.

  2. Cock Gobble Gobble

    Riiiiight most beautiful woman… in her house maybe. Not even the most beautiful woman on her block. What a crock of shit.

  3. BB

    This is clearly the empirical truth. People does it again!

  4. Griefer

    They can’t even pick a hot chick for most beautiful woman? Women must really hate hot chicks.

  5. Griefer

    Paltrow is 40. She wasn’t hot when she was 25. At least pick somebody who was hot at sometime in their lives.

  6. alex

    She’s a gorgeous woman, especially at 40!

    I fucking hate her but not because she’s beautiful.

    • Mama Pinkus

      correct; we don’t hate her because she is beautiful – we hate her because she is a stuck-up bitch

  7. Nonnie Moose

    She’s cute and I’d definitely hit it, but this is just silly.

  8. Cock Dr

    Of all the hotties in show biz they declare her the hottest & put her on their cover.
    WHAT A JOKE

  9. Paltrow once begged me for a lock of my beard to use as a tampon.

    In fairness, she would have gotten that second Oscar with it. Also, we’d have been spared “Apple”.

  10. Gwyneth Paltrow People Most Beautiful Woman
    Tiggles
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hey everybody, I bought my way onto a magazine cover! Everybody likes someone pretty, and the cover says I’m pretty, so now everyone has to like me, right? Its even People magazine, so now people have to like me.

    Okay then, now my recipe for organic tofu bran muffins with caraway seed. They only cost $12 each to make! Did someone just say ‘fuck you’?”

    • Cher X

      Also remember to take time for yourself. Fly to Paris and jog around the Eiffel tower (my favorite afternoon get-away!) in your new Givenchy tennies ($1500 a pair, available at Hermes)

  11. right

    She obviously sucked somebodies dick for the award. You know this insufferable cunt wouldn’t swallow it after.

  12. Ashley

    Beautiful? Sure. Best selling cook book? Well, she didn’t get where she is because of smarts.

    Her cook book has a recipe for boiling an egg. And pop corn. Just generic pop corn.

    Nuff said.

  13. AteIsEnough

    Don’t women say things like, “personality counts”, or “beauty is only skin deep”? If either of those adages are true then it’s impossible for GP to qualify. GP is a gigantic C##T, and she’s a crazy elitist to boot.

  14. cc

    I am glad they gave this to someone who is so self-effacing.

  15. Petey

    So.Sick.Of.Her.
    Please, please, please…go away.

  16. That Amanda Knox looks pretty damn good in that picture.

  17. WTF

    These people need to go to the mall by my house. All of the girls there are better looking and younger.

  18. Chris Rock

    The thing is, is that Blythe Danner always came across as very humble and soft-spoken and thus how the hell did we end up with the the hyper self-absorbed and hyper self-important goopy?

  19. Rose

    I always like it when they put plain looking girls on magazine covers because guys think that if she’s beautiful, and than see me……..they think I’m gorgeous!

  20. lily

    LOL!!!! WHat a joke. Amanda Knox on the top right of the mag is 10x better looking than that ragged old bird face who looks a decade older than 40

  21. Smapdi

    All I get from this cover is that a Patrow-Knox lesbian video has the capacity to be pretty hot.

  22. It was a tight race, a hotly contested event, but in the end Gwyneth pulled out a stunning victory over Lena Dunham.

  23. Kaiju

    This is an Onion bit right?

  24. The winner is the person has the combination of the largest donation to Obama’s political campaign, wasteful, environmental causes, and skills at licking Beyonce’s cooter.

    No one else had a chance to beat this vapid cunt.

  25. Worlds most beautiful woman?

    She’s not painful to look at, but world most beautiful? Seriously? She wouldn’t rate as the most beautiful woman in the Mall on any given weekday afternoon.

  26. pimpom

    She is so god damn annoying. And please the most beautiful. Well great, now she loves herself even more.

  27. What did you expect?

    These are the same people that are on PimpMom’s pay roll, and are always telling the rest of us how great the Kardashian’s are.

  28. Jenn

    Now we know what a gluten/carb free product kickback buys you.

  29. Caroline

    Cute, yes. Beautiful, no.

  30. Martin

    Bet Robert Downy paid for that title so he can maximal promotion for Iron man. People mag is losing credibility.

  31. Whyask

    “Gwyneth Paltrow Named People’s Most Beautiful Woman”

    Sure, if by “people” you mean a group of blind guys who’ve never met the obnoxious twat.

  32. She is cute, bangable, semi-hot even, but most beautiful, get the fuck out of here. Not even close.

    Amanda Seyfried, Jessica Biel, Selena Gomez. Victoria Justice, Sophie Turner, Kate Beckinsale, Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Alba….and the list goes on and on and on before she even would be in the running. Fuck, Amanda Knox right there is way hotter than she is.

  33. Benny

    I would lick her shaved pussy until it is dry. She probably tastes great.

  34. Tinka

    I think she looks just plain. Nothing special.

  35. Chris Jone

    Ugly, inside and out!

    • Chris Jone

      She would be great in a SCAT porno tube. Imagine some big fat dude taking an all natural dump on her forehead as she lies hog tied on some fresh Egyptian 600 thread count sheets. i think the readers of People would quite enjoy.

  36. Gwyneth Paltrow People Most Beautiful Woman
    brick
    Commented on this photo:

    There’s two things wrong with this pic. One, she has on a bra and two, it’s Gweneth Paltrow.

  37. Gwyneth Paltrow People Most Beautiful Woman
    Commented on this photo:

    Look, I find it very responsible of Ms. Paltrow to arrange for a ride home after a night of drinking with her friend Kate, but a horse-drawn carriage is a bit pretentious.

  38. Gwyneth Paltrow People Most Beautiful Woman
    Commented on this photo:

    Mrs Paltrow, I promise my sausage produces only the finest quality, organic béarnaise, curated by my balls.

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