Gwyneth Paltrow Had A Miscarriage And Almost Died

March 18th, 2013 // 29 Comments
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Let me just start out by saying I absolutely, 100% respect that miscarriages are horribly emotional experiences for women to go through and would never make light of one just ’cause. I’m not a Kardashian. Or apparently Gwyneth Paltrow who’s promoting her cookbook by revealing to the Daily Mail that she suffered one while trying for a third child and naturally one-upping Beyonce’s in the process by saying hers almost killed her:

‘My children ask me to have a baby all the time,’ she says. ‘And you never know, I could squeeze one more in. I am missing my third. I’m thinking about it.
‘But I had a really bad experience when I was pregnant with my third. It didn’t work out and I nearly died. So I am like, “Are we good here or should we go back and try again?’’
Ms Paltrow also confesses that she feels ‘very broody’ whenever she sees friend Beyonce Knowles with her one-year-old daughter Blue Ivy. The singer also suffered a miscarriage before becoming a mother.

“Beyonce is such an amazing mother,” Gwyneth added, “And I just find it horribly offensive that just because she didn’t almost die trying to bring a child into the world that some people might say she’s less of one. I mean, it happened to me, I almost seriously died – And not because of my gluten, dairy, produce, meat-free diet, thank you. – but that’s not Beyonce’s fault that didn’t happen to her. Does that make me appreciate my children more than a mother who didn’t go through that? Yes, of course, but again, not Beyonce’s fault for never reaching such a deep personal level of love and attachment. She’s doing the best she can, and so what if that’s 3/5ths as well as a mother who’s felt that specific pain of almost dying trying to create life? We just live in such a judgmental world, you know? – Oh, dearie, don’t eat that, you’ll blow up like a balloon. Here lick one of these Communion wafers I carry in my purse. I don’t need lunch today. – Now where were we? Oh, right, Beyonce not almost dying during her miscarriage like I did. It’s like, God, people, let it go.”

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Y’know what it was? Too much gluten. As an IT systems admin, that’s my professional opinion.

  2. JC

    So wait: Goopy has two kids, Tangerine and Jedediah or whatever, and Beyonce has one, Purple Dandelion, and that makes Goopy pissy…why? No one else is allowed to have kids until she’s satisfied with the count of her spawn?

  3. Cock Dr

    She almost died….because the private hospital suite wasn’t finished with antique hand painted French wallaper.

  4. Visible Ink

    Wait. Beyonce used a surrogate mother. So technically, if she wanted to one-up Beyonce shouldn’t Gwyneth say her surrogate mother almost died?

  5. Just this once

    She almost died because there was a chance the child might like Pot Noodles.

  6. Deacon Jones

    (*AHEM*)
    “….Mrs. Platrow..I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but it appears you’ve suffered a miscarriage..”

    “God DAMN it! It was the chicken fetus broth I had in Paris! They TOLD me it had been triple distilled!”

    “…errr..Mrs. Paltrow, I understand this can be a very difficult time…you’re husband is very upset, he’s in the waiting room, he wants to see you.”

    (eyes frantically going back and forth in head)
    “…or was it THESE HOSPITAL SHEETS?! Did you use bleach on these!!? I told you, they were to be washed in unicorn blood and midget tears! God DAMN you, god damn you!!

  7. MD2020

    Nice 3/5 Compromise reference, Fish.

    Constiutional trolling is the best kind of trolling.

  8. barchord

    actually she ate too much laxative that day and accidentally shat the baby out

  9. has anyone tried masturbating to the convulsing death scene in Contagion? I only saw it in the trailer, but it looked like jerk off fodder.

    • Just this once

      I thought making fun of a woman who lost a child was tasteless, then I read your comment, felt better for a second and then realised it’s still more tasteless to make fun of a woman who lost her child.

  10. Juch

    “Beyonce – who is black, and my friend – is such an icon in the entertainment industry, a real trend-setter,” says Paltrow. “Once I heard about her miscarriage, I knew I wanted one too. It took a while to find a doctor who was willing to make it happen, and who could provide a hospital bed where the linens were thousand-count Egyptian cotton, picked by real Egyptians, but we got it done!” she gushes.

  11. Gwyneth Paltrow Stretching Yoga Pants
    p
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s looking more and more like her mom Blythe Danner every day.

  12. I wonder if Chris Martin ever puts a pea under her side of the mattress to fuck with her all night.

  13. And I almost died reading this bullshit.

  14. These liberal celebrities are so empty that all they can talk about is how they can take tasks that people do every day and make them into Christopher Columbus type dangerous and trend setting adventures. Losers.

  15. jt

    An amazing mother is one that turns out a wonderful child when all odds are against her — when she’s poor, single, working two jobs, living in a bad neighborhood.

  16. Cori

    The Daily Mail is a tabloid who have admitted many times they just make shit up. If The National Enquirer or The Sun claimed they had an exclusive, we’d all roll our eyes and ignore it. Why does TDM get more credibility, is it the accent?

  17. Gwyneth Paltrow Stretching Yoga Pants
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    *FaRt*
    “….ewww, er, I mean, mmmm! That smells delicious. It smells like the fetus juice on a, on a furry little duckling, born on Easter Morning. Innocent and full of hope….yesssss, yesss”

  18. Gwyneth Paltrow Stretching Yoga Pants
    BarryLydon
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d like to unconsciously uncouple dat ass

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