How Dare You Suggest Gwyneth Paltrow Would Sully Her Precious Words With A Ghostwriter?!

Last week, the New York Times ran what seemed to be an innocent article about ghostwriters working for celebrity chefs including Rachael Ray, Mario Batali, Jamie Oliver and, most notably, Gwyneth Paltrow who flipped the fuck out because the article basically revealed she allows the poor to gaze upon her (Turns out ghostwriters aren’t paid very much.) which will surely embolden the peasants’ revolt her spies inform her is forming beyond the edges of the moat because clearly they don’t know she’s friends with Beyonce. The black Beyonce. Anyway, the NYT writer awesomely defended her story yesterday by acknowledging she had no idea ghostwriting was a closely guarded secret in the celebrity cooking world right before throwing the whiners under the bus:

As it happens, in their correspondence with The Times, Ms. Ray, Mr. Batali and a publicist for Mr. Oliver all said that some other chefs should have been included in the article — but not them.

Courtesy of the New York Times, The Superficial has been granted permission to publish the aforementioned correspondence co-signed by Rachael Ray, Mario Batali and Jamie Oliver:

Dearest Julia Moskin,

Per our discussion over the phone, we would appreciate a retraction about our use of ghostwriters even though you clearly interviewed them and they exist. In exchange for such an agreement, we are willing to deliver you word of Gwyneth Paltrow’s one-time purchase of oregano at a Walmart and confirmation that she refers to Beyonce as “Mammy” in private. May these truths be brought to light and revoke her membership from our secret league of Aristocratic Culinary Practitioners with the exception of Rachael Ray because she’s fucking annoying, yet will sign this letter anyway for the greater good.

Rachael Ray, Jamie Oliver, Mario Batali

P.S. Bobby Flay should’ve been in your article because he knocked up January Jones. True story.

Photos: Getty