Chicken Made Gwyneth Paltrow Quit The Food Stamp Challenge

“We fried ‘em up real good, Mrs. Paltrow.”
“Excellent, Tom Ford, excellent. Now regurgitate them for me.”
“What?”
“I SAID REGURGITATE.”

Thanks to being photographed coming out of not one, but two restaurants where poor people couldn’t afford a glass of water, Gwyneth Paltrow has finally addressed the controversy regarding her $29 Food Bank Challenge that she quit because of chicken. “Beyonce just won’t shut up about it!” I’m waiting for Gwyneth to say next. Via GOOP:

As I suspected, we only made it through about four days, when I personally broke and had some chicken and fresh vegetables (and in full transparency, half a bag of black licorice). My perspective has been forever altered by how difficult it was to eat wholesome, nutritious food on that budget, even for just a few days—a challenge that 47 million Americans face every day, week, and year. A few takeaways from the week were that vegetarian staples liked dried beans and rice go a long way—and we were able to come up with a few recipes on a super tight budget.
After trying to complete this challenge (I would give myself a C-), I am even more outraged that there is still not equal pay in the workplace.

In Gwyneth Paltrow’s defense, she’s very important to the cause (She copy and pasted two whole paragraphs about equal pay!), so it behooves everyone – if not the world – that she not go hungry because hunger affects us all she actually has the nerve to say next while typing from her $24,000 blogging grotto stoop:

I know hunger doesn’t always touch us all directly — but it does touch us all indirectly. After this week, I am even more grateful that I am able to provide high-quality food for my kids. Let’s all do what we can to make this a basic human right and not a privilege.

See? Gwyneth Paltrow experienced a deep revelation that the food she feeds her children is of the best quality, and she couldn’t have done it without with poor people. So thank you for starving everyday and living off of processed shit so Gwyneth can have a greater appreciation for the free range paella she’ll feed her children tonight in their heated and air-conditioned mansion complete with swimming pool. You’ve truly opened her eyes to how great her life is and will no longer die without serving a purpose. That’s way better than eating!

Photo: FameFlynet