Gwyneth Paltrow’s Dinner Parties Sound Fabulous!

April 21st, 2011 // 121 Comments

To promote her new cookbook “My Father’s Daughter,” Gwyneth Paltrow threw a lavish dinner party which included such guests as Michael Stipe, Jessica Seinfeld, Martha Stewart and Rupert Murdoch’s wife. Below is an excerpt from The New Yorker (Of course.) that reads almost exactly how you’d picture a Gwyneth Paltrow dinner party complete with an anecdote of Chris Martin sulking like a little bitch:

Mario Batali, in pink cargo shorts, was talking to Ruth Reichl. “She eats like a truck driver,” he said of Paltrow. He recalled being in Valencia, Spain, and “watching her eat an entire pan of paella as big as a manhole cover.”
Michael Stipe added, “Once, a duck she was cooking caught fire, and she threw it in the pool.”
… Christy Turlington looked on. “We are lucky in that we have been the recipients of many meals with Gwyneth Paltrow,” she said, and mentioned a stuffed-lobster dish that Paltrow and Martin had served in Amagansett. “They do everything themselves, including the killing of the lobster,” she said. “It’s not the boiling-in-the-pot-and-screaming lobster thing. It’s a different, faster approach. I could never do it.”
“You smack it against a tree or something?” Batali asked.
“You stick a knife through the head,” said Turlington, who seemed suddenly troubled. “Oh! That’s awful to say.”
… At 9 P.M., the guests went out to a pair of long tables on the terrace. Diaz, A-Rod, and Batali sat near Chris Martin, who had arrived looking cranky. (A publicist warned, “He doesn’t want to talk.”) Paltrow sat a few seats away, flanked by Jerry Seinfeld and Jay-Z. (The next day, she and the rapper posted reciprocal interviews on their Web sites. Paltrow: “I could sing to you every single word of N.W.A’s ‘Fuck tha Police.’”) Paltrow announced the menu: roasted red peppers with anchovies, escarole salad, pasta with duck ragout.

For those of you whose limited tolerance of pretentiousness forced them to bail after reading about eating paella in Valencia, Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t believe in tossing lobsters in a pan of boiling water because it’s inhumane, so she stabs them in the head first. Because that makes it all better.

FRIEND: Gwyneth, you can’t eat dolphin!
GWYNETH: Don’t worry, I’ll stab it in the head.

FRIEND: Gwyneth, you can’t eat albino tiger!
GWYNETH: Relax. I put a knife in its brain.

FRIEND: Gwyneth, children don’t go in pot pies!
GWYNETH: Stab, stab!

Photos: Splash News, WENN


  1. smithers

    There are few celebrities so annoying and idiotic.

  2. speaking of a-roid i heard he’s shopping for a ring for cameron diaz

  3. Gwyneth Paltrow Dinner Party
    Commented on this photo:

    For a pretentious twatwaffle, she’s got great gams. I’d stab her in the head and feast on those wings.

  4. Any Guy

    I’d still fuck the stupid right back into her. then blow my load in whatever food she was serving to those vapid, innocuous troglodytes.

    • JC

      Please, they blow their loads in their food in Valencia all the time. You’d know that if you were on her level.

    • Reddy

      You have to respect anybody who can use the phrases “blow my load” and “vapid, innocuous troglodytes” in the same sentence. Tip of the hat to you, sir.

  5. Justin

    God I hate that fucking vapid bitch. I wish I could put a knife through her brain, pull it out, and then stab that smug fat bastard Mario Batali right in the eye.

  6. DeucePickle

    But seriously, this is a level of pretentiousness that i can’t even fathom…because I’m so well to do and live in the Hamptons.

  7. DOucHe BaGELs

    As I read this, why am I picturing the scene of Hannibal Lecter’s dinner party in Red Dragon??

  8. Deuce Bigelow's alter ego

    I would like her to give me head while I eat the lobster dish, then jizz all over her face .

  9. valerie

    this article is totally made up. how do i know? mario batali doesn’t know how to kill a lobster in order to stuff it. i’m calling bullshit.

  10. Chris Martin didn’t want to talk…about the scars on the back of his head.

  11. Bandit82BaBy

    By fabulous, you mean as catty as a drag show dressing room and as boring as watching a lethal injection…..then yes, sign me up.
    PS- JayZ, what the fuck are you doing there!?! Scientology is right around the corner bro….GO HOME!!

  12. You have to wonder, when you read these things, if these beautiful people have any idea how many people without Q scores, and how many children, rely on food stamps for their sustenance in this country.

  13. Ed

    That was the most pretentious thing I’ve ever read. It’s a shame Borat wasn’t there to shit on the table.

  14. Paltrow: “I could sing to you every single word of N.W.A’s ‘Fuck tha Police.’ “..while reading off the lyrics my servant is holding infront of me, in my $5000 Chanel dress, in my $20 million dollar Hampton’s Summer Home. Somehow I doubt this upped Gwyneth’s street cred.

    • Because

      Right. Plus, Jay-Z has nothing do do with NWA. Does she think she is dining with Dr. Dre?

      It’s like bragging to Chris Martin that you could sing every word of Phil Collins’ “in the Air Tonight.” BFD.

  15. Juano

    Pretty vapid commentary from the elites, if that’s how they talk about things.

    But what I took away from it is that she cooks about as well as she acts, which is not too good. After one of her dinner parties, the guests probably stop at McDonalds to get something decent to eat.

  16. Gwyneth Paltrow Dinner Party
    Commented on this photo:

    WTF is wrong his her right ear?!?!? Look like she’s a MMA fighter with cauliflower ear or somethin

  17. She looks very pretty and sounds like a wonderful lady. This is the type of women I would like to have relations with and bring home to mother.

  18. Tony

    I gotta say, stabbing shit in the head IS pretty metal.

  19. Deacon Jones

    This seriously reads like a transcript from an SNL skit.

    …actually, if any of you writers are reading this, you should fucking act this out VERBATIM!

    It would be the best skit of the year, hands down.

  20. Crabby Old Guy

    What a stupid fucking bitch. Fuck these useless slags and their pretentious carrying on. No clue what the real world is about. They whine the liberal talking points that Father Government should “do something” (i.e., tax the Hell out of the rest of us) while they drive off in their limos and consort with their vapid peers.

    Meanwhile, the world is full of those who would kill for a decent bed, some food for their children and a job. Fuck Paltrow. Fuck her guests. Fuck GE, Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

    Sorry, I have a cold.

    • Suge

      You’re a typical conservative moron. Talking about shit you have no clue on. Paltrow is a known registered Republican. She has talked before about feeling “alienated” in Hollywood for being a conservative. There are actually MANY Hollywood celebs that are conservatives. And yes, many WOULD kill for a decent bed, food etc. But YOUR type doesn’t wanna do a damn thing to help them. You dont wanna pay taxes to help others. Hmm…talk about vapid and selfish…

      • DumbDumb

        Spare me your fucking preachy babble, prick. EVERYBODIES’ a fucking spoiled asshole and NOBODY fucking cares about those less furtunate. Ha!

      • chainsawbuzzkill

        There’s no fucking way she’s a conservative. Or a republican.

      • kindalikewater

        As sickening as I find Paltrow… one of the few good things I can say about her is that she is at least a Democrat who supports President Obama. But I still think she’s pretentious, annoying, and clueless, along with her friends – Cameron Diaz, Beyonce, and Jay-Z.

        Anyway… She is a Democrat.

  21. Biff Buttpat

    In real life she’s a needy, whiny, spoiled brat. She thinks everyone is always picking on her and making fun of her. She is NOT fun to be around.

  22. miss m

    “Paltrow announced the menu: roasted red peppers with anchovies, escarole salad, pasta with duck ragout.”…does that sound completely unappealing to anyone else or is it just me?

    • Anon

      Actually, the only thing that I liked about this article was hearing about the food. I can eat simple stuff and enjoy it just as much as the next person, but I have a secret love of high-class dining. I’m hungry now.

    • dpbefun

      Just you.

    • Colin

      I love roasted red peppers in anchovies. But they’re hardly dinner. Or as pretentious as she makes them out to be. Although I suppose serving them as an appetizer with *shudder* toothpicks would be slumming.

  23. In a million years, I would not have guessed that the word “manhole” in between references to Michael Stipe and a man in pink cargo shorts would have involved a woman and food.

  24. greyshrimp

    Such pretence! I don’t know what anyone is making such a fuss about: the culinary way to prepare a lobster is cut it in half alive. Not that it isn’t morally ambiguous, but any chef worthy of the name will tell you the same. It’s like she’s invented the technique or something. Don’t these people watch Gordon Ramsay or anything/read?

  25. LL Beaner

    I’m from the Maine coast where Bush has his summer “home” and I can tell you Lobsters do not scream when they are boiled alive. These people are morons.

    • Pia

      The “screaming” people refer to is the sound of air or something leaking out of their shells from the heat of the water. Oh and greetings from up north, kennebunk might as well be part of nh ;)

      • LL Beaner

        Nothin’ wrong with the “Live Free or Die” folks. Anything south of Portland you’re considered a Mass hole by some. LOL

      • Kirstie's Alley

        Wha wha wha what! She wasted a perfectly good duck like that! I would’ve never let that… Oh wait, I’m a size 6 now–I don’t eat. And that’s the story I’m sticking with.

  26. She named her cookbook “My Father’s Daughter”? Is that because her published told her if she just named it ” ME! ” she’d look like a conceited bitch? Good thing she dodged that bullet.

    • Blythe

      More like because Bruce (RIP) was always requesting a paternity test. He could never figure out how we ended up with such a smug and self satisfied daughter.

  27. RoboZombie

    I wish she’d cook Kirstie Allie

  28. Damit Michael Stipe, why are you hanging out with these douches

  29. “Pardon me, Jay-Z, but I have an hilarious anecdote. While shopping at the local grocery emporium I asked the épicier if he could render to me precisely 64 grams of Almas Beluga. When he told me they only had 112 gram tins available I opined: ‘who do I look like, Mary of Modena?’ Oh, that will make a fabulous interlude on your next phonograph.”

  30. Pia

    Only rich person would toss a flaming duck into the pool to put it out… the rest of us would be trying to salvage a $30 bird carcass.

    • I wouldn’t stress over the $30 bird, but a $200 pool cleaning would make me hesitate a bit.

      • kindalikewater

        That’s what I was thinking, McFeely. Even though I wrote Paltrow off a while back, I just reeeeally want that part of the story NOT to be true. That’s just way too much “simple ass” to accept.

    • hollywood_hillbilly

      If you are paying 30 dollars for a duck you are doing something wrong.

  31. It had to be said

    Why did she tell Jay Z about reciting NWA lyrics? Did she think he was the help, and didn’t realize that he’d actually released some albums she might have quoted? It’s so confusing that black people all look the same, isn’t it Gwyneth?

  32. Obama's MAMA

    Limousine liberals knowing the words to violent rap songs while consuming pate

  33. I’d like to present her with my John Thomas and give her a serious rodgering.

  34. Bootlips

    Smug people like that dolt should be shot. They should have a “Smug Liberal Douchebag” hunting day. This way we could thin the herds, and we wouldn’t have to lose IQ points whenever they speak.

    • cupcake

      She is not a liberal. No way. Not with a Murdoch in her house.
      In my liberal abode, if anyone who has so much as interacted with a Murdoch should enter; it makes the walls bleed.
      When was the last time you read about this entitled cunt giving a dime to charity.. or talking about ANYTHING relevant to anything but herself? If she talks about eco-consciousness, it is in the “I wouldn’t put anything non-organic in MY body” kind of way… she is a classic narcissist. She is out-of-touch and EVERYWHERE these days.

      She is the Modern Day Marie Antoinette. They all are.
      I say, “Sharpen up the Guillotine.”

      • Suge

        You’re correct. She isn’t a liberal. She’s known for being a Republican. She doesn’t try to hide it either. Most conservatives ARE narcissists. Just look at Donald Trump and that bitch Elisabeth Hasselbeck from the View. Self centered is the Republican way. I don’t think anyone denies that.

      • UnholyKrep

        Suge, have to disagree with you. Several studies have been done over the years, and time after time conservatives are shown to donate to charity more than liberals in both money and time.

        Assuming Paltrow is in fact conservative (shudder), I’d put her as no more clueless and entitled than other SUV/Limo riding/Chartered jet flying dolts with “leftist” viewpoints rattling around Hollywood and environs- Robert “I’m a land conservationist, wanna buy some of my land to build a subdivision?” Redford is an example that springs to mind.

        But I will add- after reading that hideous New Yorker article, I am now searching for a knife to plunge into my OWN brain.

      • cupcake

        @Unholy- cite your sources. Where are these studies? That is the largest load of horseshit ever shat.

      • cupcake

        These people, the top 2%… of people who control 85% of wealth- are neither conservative nor republican and the vast majority worship only the God of money. There are few exceptions… but only a few. This is not a liberal vs. conservative issue.. this is now a class issue. It needs to not be a liberal vs. conservative issue it needs to be an issue of the “haves” vs. EVERYONE ELSE.

        They know no political affiliation, at their core, they do what serves them. We live to serve them and we squabble amongst ourselves over whatever scraps fall off their table.

        For this hideous creature to create a luxury lifestyle blog in the middle of the worst recession our country has and continues to face… ugh.

      • Ashley

        Stupid Trolls – go take your s**t off line.

      • UnholyKrep

        Cupcake- here’s a source:

        I guess the line “At some point, I think you’ve made enough money” doesn’t apply to everyone.

        Here’s another:

        Horseshit. Right.

      • kindalikewater

        You NAILED it, cupcake.

        Sure Paltrow is technically a Democrat who support President Obama… but she’s no *true* liberal. She’s a “jive-assed liberal”, who clearly thinks that “slumming with the coloreds” gives her the right to sing racist lyrics that her equally foolish and dreadfully misguided pals perform.

        Paltrow strikes me as being all about Paltrow.

        “If she talks about eco-consciousness, it is in the ‘I wouldn’t put anything non-organic in MY body’ kind of way… she is a classic narcissist.”

        “She is the Modern Day Marie Antoinette. They all are.”

        You have distilled her PERFECTLY. (You have also sparked an idea for a novel about these modern Antoinettes.) Very well stated.

    • Mustafa

      George Will is your ‘source’? Really? And sorry, filling a collection plate every Sunday at church doesn’t count towards ‘charitable donations.’ It pays men to rape boys.

      On topic…I thought for sure this had to be from The NYer’s Shouts and Murmurs satire page. Nope…she really is a magnificent cunt, isn’t she? Fuck the Police? Fuck the RICH d-bags attending dinner parties thrown by blind cave spiders with fake British accents.

  35. Gem

    That dinner party sounds like something similar to “The Cook, the thief, his wife and her lover”.

    I’d avoid that freak show like Mews and her case of herpes and anal warts

  36. Wow, honestly that’s the exact opposite of how I would’ve expected it to go.

    Also. +1 @ Gem

  37. TurkusMaximus

    The comments here have greatly improved over the last few months. Laughing surprisingly hard at many of them for the first time in awhile. Carry on you snark kings and queens…

  38. DumbDumb

    That Suge guy is a blithering idiot.

  39. Artofwar

    ….Buhahaha!!! A bunch of pretentious pseudo intellectuals, debating on what’s the most humane way to kill a lobster. Does the lobster get a vote???
    Because if it did, my guess would be that it would option NOT TO BE KILLED in the first place.

    So enough with the– “kill it this way, or kill it that way”– bulls#hit, and get on with the killing already so the damn thing can end up where it belongs—making its rounds in my intestines, and soon to be making its rounds around my toilet bowl ….Artofwar

  40. Gwyneth Paltrow Dinner Party
    Commented on this photo:

    she did get thicker after pooping out those too kids… and if you think eating paella in Valencia es pretencioso, you should travel some more, it’s not that expensive Fish.

  41. Gwyneth Paltrow Dinner Party
    Commented on this photo:

    you saved the best shot of her legs for last..good job Fish.

    i’d stab her with my penis a few times i guess…grudge fucking is so under appreciated.

  42. Gwyneth Paltrow Dinner Party
    Commented on this photo:

    is that a young Mark Harmon photobombing the F outta this bitch?

  43. Ashley

    She looks more and more like a horse everyday.

  44. the captain


  45. Brooke

    A recent study shows that lobsters don’t feel pain, so bowling them in water is just as humane as anything else. Gwyneth Paltrow probably knows that and just wants to get to the yummy brains as quickly as possible.

  46. friendlyfires

    Before knifing a lobster’s skull, Gwyneth recites Ezekiel 25:17 while staring coldly into its beady stalked eyes.

  47. She couldn’t have dropped more names if she was reading from a phone book. Which, incidentally, would have been far more interesting.

  48. Tinklepants Astronaut

    Then Paltrow announced dessert: meringue made from Peruvian ostrich eggs, with a syrup made from the blood of quadruplet children delivered and stabbed in the head within the Tuscan-style birthing chamber secreted below her koi pond just the day before. “Sorry” says GP (Gwyneth’s friends call her GP), “one of the kids was ugly looking, but we can all make do during these tough economic times”. “Don’t worry GP,” responds Michael Stipe, “if I can stand looking at Mario Batali in pink cargo shorts, I can stand anything!”.

  49. SuperT

    I would rather attend a dinner party thrown by Britney. Sure, it would consist of a naked Britney humping a pile of fried chicken skin, taco bell, and corn nuts, but at least I could make it through without blowing my brains out.

  50. notarobot

    You simian pieces of shit, you could only hope to have a life as fulfilled as these people. Now go die.

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