Gwyneth Paltrow Hangs Upside Down In Cocoons

February 25th, 2013 // 34 Comments
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If there’s one thing I love most about Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s her everyday solutions to diet and exercise. Solutions like staving off death by dangling from the ceiling of your friends’ hammock studio/cocoon menagerie like a goddamn moth. Via Jezebel:

Speaking about her experience, 40-year-old Gwyneth wrote: ‘We spent an afternoon in Richard Holroyd’s intimate studio that houses four AntiGravity Hammocks – basically a hammock made of silk that you can lie, hang, stretch in and more.
‘At first, we just got used to being in the swing – part of what makes it so special is the sense of suspension.
‘Then Richard showed us several moves with the hammock. In comparison to other yoga classes, the moves felt constructive without feeling like a chore.’

“Even better,” GOOP wrote, “I placed a spool of silk thread into my lady-anus and proceeded to unravel it like a beautiful silkworm unburdening herself in ways Chris Martin will never compete. I then wove a pashmina from it and sold the design to a Paris fashion house for a paltry million. (Parisians!) Later, I found the factory of my now competitor and shat on each of his orphan workers for a remarkable cleanse. I encourage every mom to try it.”

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. tom

    I’d fuck that bitch like crazy

  2. Inner Retard

    AntiGravity Hammocks?! I only have one question: How did they resolve the gravity wave feedback buildup in the anti-matter reaction chamber when exeeding Warp 6? (This is important.)

  3. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    wtf is wrong with her face?

  4. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    “That fucking better not be tap water.”

  5. Strangely this makes me want to bang her even more.

  6. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    “And (gasp) they actually thought—get this!—that neapolitan parsley was the same as cilantro!”

  7. I too have noted the sense of suspension while resting in a hammock. It is almost as comforting as that sense of firmness provided by solid ground, or even the coldness of ice water.

    Now I’m off to name my children after fruit.

  8. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    “Well, okay, but usually I have the help do this … “

  9. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    “You mean the lettuce wasn’t hand-washed?”

  10. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    “And I said, ‘You’re not watching a cartoon in ENGLISH, are you, little man?’”

  11. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    “And that’s when it came to me! ‘Apple!’ Hollywood-pretentious AND Foodie-pretentious!”

  12. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    “Now the harp-seal pup eyelashes tend to stick to the bottom of the pan, so you have to give it a little shake, like so … “

  13. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’ve seen those things! Don’t dirty people shake them in metal cups?”

  14. schmidtler

    wait, Gwyneth does what with coons now? sorry, I didn’t bother reading the article.

  15. Deacon Jones

    Paltrow continued,
    “Then Richard held a chemically smelling cloth over my face, and told me to inhale. He called it “Midget Tears”. I awoke with a headache and my panties on backwards. It was exhilarting.”

  16. catherineishere

    This is so last week, and your comments are so last year.

  17. anonym

    hanging upside down, so much blood in cranium.

    no wonder so cuckoo

  18. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s morphing into Heidi Klum.

  19. Ladies and gentlemen, see what happens when you have more money than you know what to do with? You start making up wacky shit to occupy your time. I have a suggestion… try volunteering instead.

  20. Gwyneth Paltrow El Hormiguero
    Commented on this photo:

    “Here is where boobs will be someday.”

  21. Phi

    she has been a condescending asshole for as long as most can remember.

  22. fashionassta

    I had to look up the word “pashmina”. Now I feel like an asshole. More useless knowledge. It’s a cashmere shawl people.

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