Giada De Laurentiis’ Breasts Are Single: Your Happy Post Of The Day

It’s the holidays, so here’s some shit to make you smile even though this little meter I’m looking at says all of you are staring into Jessie Nizewitz’s baby chute right now. I literally don’t have to do anything the rest of the day.

1. Giada De Laurentiis is getting a divorce, and her soon-to-be ex-husband is a fashion designer with less Twitter followers than me, so it’s anybody’s game. Unless she’s entering the marry a billionaire phase of her life in which case, I have some Monopoly money to shove into my pants. Hold my yacht. (Already in character.)

2. Lindsay Lohan caught some sort of rare mosquito virus which was probably cancelled out by all the other viruses (or combined to make AIDS airborne), but it’s fun to dream.

3. And Justin Bieber was caught lying about buying a jet for Christmas because he’s only worth $200 million on paper and couldn’t take the $60 million hit. As for how that’s supposed to make you feel better, he had to sit on time-out for lying? Couldn’t get ice cream? It’s definitely one of those. At least one of those happened.

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Photos: Splash News