George Zimmerman Rescued A Family From A Truck Crash. Yes, That George Zimmerman.
“Whoever the punk was that took the last powdered donut better have saved room for a side of justice,” George Zimmerman thought as he strolled into the courtroom. “For today, I rain my vengeance down upon thee… or reach into an empty pocket because, right, evidence. Shit.”
In case you haven’t heard by now, the law enforcement community where George Zimmerman lives really needs to make it a look like he’s a stand-up guy which is why they didn’t bother arresting him after he shot an unarmed black kid walking home from buying some Skittles. So naturally they immediately put out a press release touting his heroic efforts pulling a family – a white family, but no need to mention that in the initial report – from an overturned truck near the spot where Trayvon Martin was killed. Which means either George is out patrolling again (Run, black people!), or the police gave him a heads up because, seriously, these fucking phone calls. TMZ reports:
The family that George Zimmerman rescued from an overturned SUV in Florida last week is white … this according to the police report obtained by TMZ.
According to the Seminole County Sheriff’s Office, the two adults who were pulled out of their overturned SUV on July 17 were described as a white male and a white female.
The report states that the SUV was traveling toward an off-ramp on State Road 417 when the driver lost control … causing the vehicle to “go off road and roll over.”
In related news, the Sanford PD now reports that George Zimmerman was not only present for the delivery of the Royal Baby, but also stepped in when the situation turned critical:
By this point the baby wasn’t breathing and the queen’s royal physician didn’t know what to do without their socialist government telling him how to do his job. His tears became heavier as he looked out the window and regretted his country ever messing with America’s forefathers, the pain of that ass-whooping passed from generation to generation.
From a chair in the corner, George Zimmerman calmly stood up and unholstered his piece.
“Princess Kate Middleton,” he said. “I’m going to need you to trust me. But know that it will be a cold day in hell before George Zimmerman lets a baby die on his watch.”
From there, George Zimmerman placed his gun next to the royal child’s ear as a heavenly light illuminated his every action. With an unwavering hand of justice that’s not afraid to fell those who dare prey on the innocent, George Zimmerman pulled the trigger and almost immediately the startled child woke and began breathing.
Later, George would only hold the baby for a few moments, so as not to deprive the boy the comfort of his mother. But he could be heard whispering two words and two words only into the babe’s ear:
“End apartheid. End apartheid.”