George Zimmerman Rescued A Family From A Truck Crash. Yes, That George Zimmerman.

July 23rd, 2013 // 102 Comments
George Zimmerman
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“Whoever the punk was that took the last powdered donut better have saved room for a side of justice,” George Zimmerman thought as he strolled into the courtroom. “For today, I rain my vengeance down upon thee… or reach into an empty pocket because, right, evidence. Shit.”

In case you haven’t heard by now, the law enforcement community where George Zimmerman lives really needs to make it a look like he’s a stand-up guy which is why they didn’t bother arresting him after he shot an unarmed black kid walking home from buying some Skittles. So naturally they immediately put out a press release touting his heroic efforts pulling a family – a white family, but no need to mention that in the initial report – from an overturned truck near the spot where Trayvon Martin was killed. Which means either George is out patrolling again (Run, black people!), or the police gave him a heads up because, seriously, these fucking phone calls. TMZ reports:

The family that George Zimmerman rescued from an overturned SUV in Florida last week is white … this according to the police report obtained by TMZ.
According to the Seminole County Sheriff’s Office, the two adults who were pulled out of their overturned SUV on July 17 were described as a white male and a white female.
The report states that the SUV was traveling toward an off-ramp on State Road 417 when the driver lost control … causing the vehicle to “go off road and roll over.”

In related news, the Sanford PD now reports that George Zimmerman was not only present for the delivery of the Royal Baby, but also stepped in when the situation turned critical:

By this point the baby wasn’t breathing and the queen’s royal physician didn’t know what to do without their socialist government telling him how to do his job. His tears became heavier as he looked out the window and regretted his country ever messing with America’s forefathers, the pain of that ass-whooping passed from generation to generation.
From a chair in the corner, George Zimmerman calmly stood up and unholstered his piece.
“Princess Kate Middleton,” he said. “I’m going to need you to trust me. But know that it will be a cold day in hell before George Zimmerman lets a baby die on his watch.”
From there, George Zimmerman placed his gun next to the royal child’s ear as a heavenly light illuminated his every action. With an unwavering hand of justice that’s not afraid to fell those who dare prey on the innocent, George Zimmerman pulled the trigger and almost immediately the startled child woke and began breathing.
Later, George would only hold the baby for a few moments, so as not to deprive the boy the comfort of his mother. But he could be heard whispering two words and two words only into the babe’s ear:
“End apartheid. End apartheid.”

Photo: Getty

superficial

  1. JC

    I know it’s just a stupid auto-correct, but I love the idea of George Zimmerman upholstering his gun, perhaps in a nice suede or microfiber. Don’t forget to Scotchgard, Scott! Powder burns stain.

  2. JC

    Oh, I almost forgot:

    HUR DUR NO POLITICS ON UR OWN BLOG COMMIE FISH! HUR DUR SECOND AMENDERMENT! HUR DUR MOAR TITS!

  3. “Because he’s the hero that Florida deserves, but not the one it needs right now… and so we’ll hunt him… because he can take it… because he’s not a hero… he’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector… a Dark Knight…”

    Oh, wait…my bad, “watch” is one thing he doesn’t do. What he does is get out of the car and follow you – because even at night and in the rain he can tell you’re up to no good and something’s wrong with you and you’re probably on drugs.

    • Bane

      Ohhh, you think wit is your ally. But you merely adopted the wit; I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see the irony until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding.

    • I know, didn’t Zimmerman know that it’s illegal to walk around in your own neighborhood at night, and attempt to speak to a black person? How dare he do that!

  4. ThisWillHurt

    “Your Honor, I can prove my innocence in this case by establishing my character as a good man whom the community recognizes and appreciates. I have hear in my jacket a receipt *pulls out receipt, displays it to jury* from the TGI Fridays in my town. Upon examination, you will note that the server wrote, in her own handwriting, the words ‘Thank you’ on my copy of the receipt. Next to these words is a smiley face. I will allow the jury to examine the evidence. *gives receipt to juror one* Furthermore, I would like to point out that my server was black. Well, light-skinned, possibly mixed race, but I’m certain at least half-black. Defense rests.”

  5. Smapdi

    The people he helped from the truck wasn’t black, therefore he’s racist!

  6. The Superficial Writer's Dentist

    This guy needs to bang Casey Anthony and name the baby Trayvon so they can wash their sins of each other.

  7. Goose

    Can’t flim flam the Zim zam!

  8. At least the family survived their encounter with him. I guess not assaulting him helped.

    • Last time I flipped my SUV and a puerto rican looking dude was running towards me, of course I assumed he was coming over to rob me so I opened fire immediately. Zim is lucky he made it out of this alive!

  9. EDWARD ELIZABETH HITLER

    He’s being “stage managed” for good PR. Remember how the good doctor that gave Jacko his fatal injection of Jesus Juice was suddenly coming to the rescue of people on planes and shit? A little money can buy anyone some phoney PR.

    • Smapdi

      Yah, they probably payed some actors to roll a car on the highway, paid off the other guy who also helped them out, paid off the cops to phony up a police report, and are paying off the hospital staff to phony up injuries for the fake couple. Therefore, he’s racist!

  10. Inconvenient truth

    Don’t you mean — shot a 6 foot tall drugged out teenager who attacked him first simply because he dared to notice Martin was wandering aimlessly around a neighborhood where houses were repeatedly burglarized?

    • No, because the 911 call was actually the “daring to notice” part.
      See, “daring to notice” does not mean continuing to follow someone who was on their way back home after an errand when you’ve already phoned in your “report” and your suspicions and been told that “you don’t need to do that” because the police have been dispatched and will meet you there. Then again, Zimmerman was a 911 call veteran – making over 50 of ‘em to report such heinous activities as slow-moving cars, loitering strangers and open garages can get old when you’re sure you have the real deal running away from you.

      As for “wandering aimlessly around”: see, that was Zimmerman’s take on things, no one else’s – but it’s clear which gospel you believe, without reservation. Since Zimmerman had no idea Martin actually had to right to be there, it could have been no more accurate than his statement that “These assholes, they always get away.” The only guy who could say otherwise is dead.

      • Juan

        Sorry, but your pointless diatribe ignores the key point, “attacked by larger drugged out teenager.” Just as Martin had every right to be in that neighborhood, so did Zimmerman. No crime until the “drug & thug” worshiper got violent.

        Sorry Al and Jesse, us Latino’s are now the more important minority. We support our brother the Z-man. Deal with it!

      • Griefer

        If Trayvon survived the shooting, what would he say that would change the outcome of Zimmerman trial? I don’t see Trayvon’s testimony affecting the trial.

        Trayvon would claim that Zimmerman attacked first and that might keep him from going to jail for assaulting Zimmerman.

      • Inconvenient truth

        Taking almost an hour to cover the six tenths of a mile from the convenience store to his father’s house = wandering aimlessly around. Martin told his girlfriend he was at his father’s house, then went back and confronted & attacked Zimmerman. Physical evidence + eyewitness testimony confirms Martin was on top throwing Zimmerman a beating when Zimmerman shot him in self defense. All he had to do was go inside and none of this would have happened. But Martin and his girlfriend profiled Zimmerman as a homosexual child molester. Martin was a thrice suspended 17 year old thug in training, not the angelic 12 year old race baiters want to paint him as. And by the way Skittles + Arizona tea + cough syrup = Lean, a narcotic drink that Martin raved on Twitter about drinking constantly.

      • how can one be ‘walking home’ when one is walking somewhere they do not live, their family doesn’t live, and the whole fucking neighborhood is gated off so people who don’t live there can’t just wander through? But yeah, Zim was wrong for being out in his own neighborhood at night, but Trayvon was A-OK cutting through the backyards at night in a gated community he did not live in.

      • FlimFlamZimZam

        You do realize that those 50 calls were over the course of about 8 years, right? Oh wait, of course you wouldn’t because you pick and choose facts that only support your argument. Let’s do the math, 50/8= ~6 calls a year, or one every other month in a neighborhood that had a history of being burglarized. I’m no scientist, but that doesn’t seem so outrageous to me.

  11. I still think the Boston Bombers were teabaggers.

  12. Mike Walker

    Um, the police always take note of the race and sex of victims in an accident and I don’t see any “press release”, only mention of a police report (again, standard stuff.) obtained by TMZ. You’re still struggling, fishy.

  13. No, because the 911 call was actually the “daring to notice” part.
    See, “daring to notice” does not mean continuing to follow someone who was on their way back home after an errand when you’ve already phoned in your “report” and your suspicions and been told that “you don’t need to do that” because the police have been dispatched and will meet you there. Then again, Zimmerman was a 911 call veteran – making over 50 of ‘em to report such heinous activities as slow-moving cars, loitering strangers and open garages can get old when you’re sure you have the real deal running away from you.

    As for “wandering aimlessly around”: see, that was Zimmerman’s take on things, no one else’s – but it’s clear which gospel you believe, without reservation. Since Zimmerman had no idea Martin actually had to right to be there, it could have been no more accurate than his statement that “These assholes, they always get away.” The only guy who could say otherwise is dead.

  14. Can’t simmer the Zimmer!
    Can’t flim flam the Zim zam!

  15. Sorry Fish, but the more you comment on this, the less informed and rational you sound. I come here to be entertained by mindless t&a jokes. Stick to what you are good at and leave the social commentary to the grown ups, thanks!

    • Apparently you’re too “mindless” to find them on the rest of the site. Maybe Mom will give you some nice tinfoil to keep you entertained until it all goes away.

      • I’m not quite sure how I am suddenly being labeled a conspiracy theorist, but okay. The facts are out there, and they are easy to find as long as you are not easily swayed by the media’s agenda. Yes, it is tragic that a life was lost, but let’s not fool ourselves (or let the media fool us) into believing that he was just an innocent kid.

      • Comment pointing out you can easily find the “mindless entertainment” you claim you’re being deprived of elsewhere on the site if you were so inclined, so “mindless” certainly is an apt descriptor =/= “labeled a conspiracy theorist”.

        See: mindless, above.

      • If conspiracy theorist was not implied please enlighten me on the tinfoil reference, or are you saying that I am easily distracted by something shiny? If that was your intent, then… I guess that’s a pretty valid point!

      • Got it in three.

        Come on, dude, no one is going on the T & A threads and bitching because they’re taking time away from the political commentary, are they? There’s something for everyone here. If you disagree with Fish’s stand on the issue, fer chrissakes have the stones to say why. But to hide behind the drive-by “whaa, whaa, I want more mindless (your words, not mine) T&A, not this, you aren’t any good at it” is incredibly fucking lame, since 1) there are not a set limit of posts per day, so you are not being deprived in any way, shape, or bouncing form, and 2) no one is forcing you to read shit you don’t like and therefore taking up your valuable T & A viewing time. I am presuming you claim to be one of the “grown ups” that you think Fish should leave the commentary to – so fucking act like one and stop posing as either an entitled Nero who’s not being “entertained” enough, or a put upon victim denied his spoon feeding because he can’t figure out how to navigate a site. Neither does you credit.

      • I guess that fact that my last post was a shot at myself sailed right over your head?

      • No, it didn’t, which is why I didn’t just deliver an insult and leave it at that. You obviously have a modicum of self-awareness and have the grace to take the piss out of yourself, which is why I tried to point out your jumping on the far-too-predictable Hurr Durr bandwagon with the rest of the troglodytes (see JC above) seems to be beneath you, since no one’s forcing you to read anything, nor taking away your funtime boobies. Because, really, that’s your position? Again, “You’re not giving us our share of tits!” is the terrified knee-jerk go-to reaction used by people who disagree with Fish’s position but don’t have two functioning gray cells to rub together to come up with a valid retort. The fact that people are broadly lampooning that sort of post should tell you something. And if that’s still your position, I suggest you just ask someone for a flashlight and a map so you can amuse yourself with Rihanna’s NSFW pink stars – no one is neglecting your basic needs, so cancel the waahmbulance and stop being so ridiculous.

      • Full disclosure… if I thought this was the best site to come to for a T&A fix, I have clearly not grasped the concept of online porn. There are literally millions of other sites where I could find that. I’ll be honest, I very rarely feel compelled to click on the NSFW images to get rid of the pink stars. That is NOT why I come here. I come for, strangely enough, superficial reasons. I come here to see quasi-celebrities, desperate famewhores, and douchebags being “justifiable”-y ridiculed and lampooned. Does it make me feel better about myself? No, but it “entertains” me.
        The first time I ever came on here was when Katie Holmes first started (fulfilling her contractual obligation) seeing Tom Cruise. I don’t even know if it is the same writer as back then, but he made reference to her monkey toes in one of the funniest posts I have ever read. I have been coming back ever since. He (they) has a way with words that I connect with. I find him amusing, and quite often, I also find him rather thoughtful, eloquent, and dare I say, respectful when the situation calls for it.

      • To finally get to the main issue at hand, I respect his position on the whole Trayvon Martin / George Zimmerman ordeal, he is certainly entitled to his opinion, although it differs from mine. The problem I have is that he has been shoving it down our throats ever since the “not guilty” verdict came in. You tell me that I can just skip his social commentary / political posts, but in the last week or so, how many posts have contained completely unrelated references to the case? I don’t have the desire (too lazy) to do the research to give you a total, but it has happened enough that I have NOTICED it.

      • Yes, my original post may have made me come across as a one of the “troglodytes” and knuckle-dragger trolls that very rarely have anything of importance to add to a conversation (First! Fist, …etc), but I just wanted to make a quick comment to say that maybe Fish might want to rein it in a little. Could I have chosen my words more effectively? Perhaps, but once you hit “submit”, there’s no turning back.

      • My so-called “valid retort” to his comments… Unfortunately in this day and age, this really wouldn’t have been a story until everyone dog-piled on the racial angle. I will admit to being morally outraged when I first heard the story and saw the attached photo of an angelic, smiling 12 year old, and I bought into the media hype. It was only after I heard rumblings that things weren’t quite so cut and dried that I began to question things. How many weeks (months?) went by before any major media outlet actually provided any more recent photos? Trying to sort out fact from fantasy, I read up on the case on MANY different sites, expressing radically different, and sometimes shockingly offensive viewpoints, but pretty much all the evidence supports Zimmerman’s claims. Admittedly it is true that only 2 people know what actually happened that night, and one will never be able to give his side, but both parties clearly made regrettable decisions that ended one life and destroyed another.

      • If you are still reading this (you REALLY need to get out more), I imagine you are wishing that I had just made my initial comment and left it at that, aren’t you?
        I am expecting to get a lot of abuse & thumbs down for this one…

        p.s. Thanks for not taking the easy route by calling me a racist!

      • I love foil hats. They have it all. Shiny, distracting and also keep the aliens and government from reading your brain waves. I’ve got mine on now.

  16. Deacon Jones

    I think they should remake “Baywatch” and put Zimmerman the head life guard.

    I would fucking watch that.

  17. Jay

    Fish? and CHICAGO GANG VIOLENCE!!!!! CHICAGO GANG VIOLENCE!!!!!!!! NO MORE

  18. Who wrote this post, Amanda Bynes?

  19. Josephus

    He only saw the accident because it was a black car, so he was following it.

  20. r u kidding?

    in certain pic this guy looks like CHAZ bono…..UGH.

  21. MeanMrsMustard

    Special guest star appearance – Bob Loblaw!

  22. SeaFox

    So when Al-obama said that could have been him 35 years ago, Al-obama was saying he would attack a neighborhood watchman punch him in the nose, and pound his head into concrete until he had to be shot to stop him! Really funny that a half-breed would not relate to another half-breed! I guess Al-obama was ALSO saying he would NOT rescue a white family from an overturned SUV! Al-obama sounds like the racist here!

  23. Rico Jones

    This was not a coincidence and it wasn’t staged either. I say Zimmerman was listening to his police radio and dashed to the scene when he heard the call. Classic wannabe hero bullshit. Just watch. Zimmerman will be the gift that keeps on giving. He will no doubt get in trouble again.

  24. it is pretty obvious the guy who runs this place hates zimmerman with a passion. he needs to get over himself.
    zimmerman was no devil and trayvon was no saint. a tragedy occurred and no amount of bitching is going to change that.
    like i said- get over yourself pal.

  25. XVO

    Dear Superfiche,

    Tits and Ass, not poorly thought out political commentary. If I wanted that I’d read the Times.

    Your Pal,
    Me

  26. I’ve taught all my kids, since the day they were born, to always talk to strangers and start fights with people who annoy you – even if you both have the right to do what you’re both doing, but since they’re the child then they are automatically exonerated from anything they do.

    Those children who shoot their parents? God bless them. Only the will of God allows me to paint a false narrative and see Zimmerman for the white man he isn’t and portray him as a racist because cops and neighborhood watches are for atheists who believe in crime. God ain’t got no time for that. And because I believe in God, I’m guilt free for the sin I commit.

  27. it'smeain't

    You’re an unhinged asshole liberal, writer of this piece. Learn something about life other than “government is good” and “I will do what my liberal overlords tell me to do”. Worthless piece of shit.

  28. Testing to see if my comments are now moderated.

  29. Grand Dragon

    The butthurt from the site author is still strong.

    • purpledrank_iz_good

      He is either black or a closet racist out to repent for his sins. Why is the family being white matter? The Z man is as much Hispanic as Obama is black.

  30. So a racist cop saves somebody from an overturned car? Still a better story than when Paul Haggis sharted it out in Crash.

  31. Cheap Thrill

    Please refrain from posting your ignorant views on real matters fish, thanks.

  32. What the fuck is Andy Dick doing there? Do not invite that guy into your home!

  33. TametheFlame

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ebu6Yvzs4Ls&feature=em-uploademail

    This Superficial opinionist really ought to get all his facts straight before poisoning the well.

  34. ChaCha

    I fully admit to having a love/hate relationship with fish’s political commentary; I disagree with him about 99.9% of the time, but the comment section is usually entertaining in a “cats and dogs living together” kind of way. If you’re like me, and you think the other kinds of posts are funny and clever (or if you’re into the T&A or Jon Hamm’s penis), you should probably just come to terms with the fact that there will be some sort of maddeningly wrong sociopolitical commentary a good few times a week; if the comment sections are any indication, these posts get shitloads of people clicking on them, even if only to say STFU about politics; (many probably remember when all races, all political ideologies, man woman and child came together as one, and basically rolled around on the ground screaming and crying for fish to stop posting about a certain couple; well, at some point, actually commented that for all the complaints, posts about this couple always got a lot of hits); so just know that the political posts will never ever stop; I actually have to take my hat off; this site walks a bit of a fine line, getting all us racist, homophobic, misogynistic gun nuts riled up without stepping over into feeling straight up leftist political blog territory thereby driving us away; well played.

    • Brooke

      Normally I agree, and in fact I can normally agree with Fish or at least know where he is coming from. I think he’s probably a smart guy, but when it comes to the Zimmerman issue, it’s like he doesn’t actually know anything about the case. I read up on the case because of him, but it just doesn’t sound like a racist assault on a poor helpless kid… no matter how you read it. It’s a tough case to judge, but I miss the racism people are seeing. Because the kid is black, and because Zimmerman is only part black? Is that seriously all people have to work with?

  35. GZ was suppose to “take his white boy beating” according to Rachel. You aren’t allowed to protect yourself if your skin is lighter than the thug. Commie rule #158.

  36. Shot an unarmed man…….um, Traytray attacked first and bashing one’s head into cement is assault and battery and can become a deadly weapon. It’s nice that commies defend thugs, and what’s great is Obama is not going to integrate white liberal neighborhoods starting with Marian. Enjoy your thugs, thugs. http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2013/07/23/team-obama-steps-up-racial-standards-for-neighborhoods/?fb_action_types=og.likes;fb_source=other_multiline;action_object_map=204094376420367;action_type_map="og.likes";action_ref_map=

    • j-sin

      Oh look he replied with Fox News. How quaint.

      • I know, couldn’t he rely on a trustworthy news sources like NBC (faked / doctored 911 tapes) or CBS (Dan Rather faked stories)? Or maybe Piers Morgan, who is still using the 12 yo trayvon in the hollister shirt pic for his stories?
        FYI, Bill O’Reilly is considered by the majority of people in this country to be the most trustworthy major network news anchor, by a lot. Just sayin’.
        I’m not really defending FOX, what I’m saying is, they’re all bullshitters, and people should do themselves a favor and seek out as many sources as possible, think about what’s being reported, and if the narrative makes any sense, before they decide what they’re point of view is.

  37. John

    Whoever wrote this has anger issues. You need a time out.

  38. Red Dragon

    look at everything through a racist prism and everything is racist

  39. I don’t care what gets posted because I like the snarky sarcastic articles.

    That being said, the Zimmerman/Martin case is the first time Fish and I are on the opposite side of an issue. The only thing that sort of bothers me is that someone that I thought looked at information presented and came to a rational conclusion isn’t doing that today. But … that’s just how I feel, and in the end doesn’t mean shit.

  40. Zimmerman aint rescued no damn body. This is just a whack made up publicity stunt. It’s not going to work because the people not that dumb!!!

  41. mytwocents

    Reading all these comments makes me sad:

    Both for how completely, utterly delusional the masses are; and for the fact that I read all of them.

  42. IN A NUTSHELL:

    Zimmerman is a fucking asshole who gunned down a black teenager for not bringing a gun to a fist fight. It’s just that simple! Racism? Maybe. Relevant? Barely.

    In Zimmerman’s defense, however, the Skittles Trayvon Martin had with him were pharmaceutical grade.

  43. Brooke

    Gawd, Zimmerman! You can’t do nice things when people are calling you a racist murdering dickball! You should have set that overturned vehicle on fire like a good little suspect. You can’t fool us, Zim! We see what we want to see and ignore facts! U-S-A!!

    - The American Public

  44. Hung Lo

    Writer, you are an ignorant dumb ass. Why do you libtards believe “poor” Trayvon is as innocent and pure as driven snow? WHAT PROOF do you have that he DID NOT provoke the confrontation that resulted in his death. [schmuck brought skittles to a gun fight-another dead 'badass'] Oh, he bought Skittles, wow, THAT makes him innocent ! WHY don’t the media print pictures of him at 17 and not the stuff when he was 12 ?
    Shut your ignorant trap up.

  45. metal_gear

    .. so the car just happened to flip over in font of his house?

  46. Gee-whiz this was unexpected. Fish publishes a smug, self-righteous essay on Zimmerman. And all the liberal fascist cunts respond with a hate circle jerk. You need to calm down, take some Midol and watch cartoons.

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