The Situation’s Dad Made Another Video. YES.

March 22nd, 2012 // 9 Comments
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Yesterday, The Situation tried to deny he was in rehab only to later come clean and claim it was just for prescription pills. Except now reports claim it was also for alcohol which might threw a wrench into the sixth season of Jersey Shore a.k.a. MTV’s way of doing right by Snooki‘s kid by killing its mother with alcohol poisoning. Anyway, none of that’s important right now because the real news is that The Situation’s dad Frank Sorrentino made another one of his classic tell-all videos – Probably one of my favorite things to happen last year. – this time about his son’s first trip to rehab before he starred on Jersey Shore. While it unfortunately lacks 800 references to the mafia, it is another tale about Frank making sure The Situation ducks any and all responsibilities for his actions while simultaneously wondering why his son is an irresponsible fuck-up along with several references to his daughter-in-law as an “outright piece of shit” and “first-class bitch.” So it still has kitsch value once you factor in the fact Frank clearly has a special “video shirt” he wears just for these things. So with that in mind, here’s not-so-much a transcript as a rendering of what I decided to hear as I watched this thing:

“So Mike was having problems with pills again, as is often da case with kids whose fathas grew up in the old neighborhood such as myself. So as I’m picking him up from the police station, an officer pulls me aside and I, of course, plan to shoot him in the mouf as are the ways we do things in the old neighborhood. Leave him where I found him, if you know whad I mean. Instead, he looks me in the eyes and goes, ‘Frank Sorrentino, I heard stories about you and often pissed myself in fear of da day that we should meet. But as a fatha to another fatha, I know you’re from the old neigborhood and will give your son the tough love he so clearly needs.’

Touched by this exchange, I allowed the officer to live and calmly discarded the rolled up newspaper with a dead fish inside I had prepared for his wife. For this man had spoken truth to me. Truth that Mike needed some a dat tough love that only us boys from the old neighborhood could deliver. So after taking him to buy a Gameboy, I sat him down at Dairy Queen and this is what I told him after handing him all the cash in my wallet to pay his gambling debts.

‘Mike, I’m your fatha. And as your fatha, it’s my job to come from the old neighborhood and give you the tough love you so clearly need with these pills you got yourself mixed up in. So me and da boys from the old neighborhood, Guinea Bop, Pep, your uncle Squeaks Squallasqueakimo, Tommy Two-Tits the Turk, Frank Sinatra Jr. and Don Corleone put our heads togetha and think it’s best you go to rehab.’

From there he started crying, so I did what any man who solves problems with his fists woulda done. I bought him a puppy and watched the game on the couch until his mudda came home and was the bad guy who forced him on a plane. I know it was a harsh thing to do, but when you come from the old neighborhood like I do, you sometimes deal out pain that at its core is love.

Also, all those times I said old neighborhood I meant the mafia. I’m in the mafia.”

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. You know how your version isn’t 100% credible? It has no gay in it.

  2. I never watched The Situation’s dad’s videos last year, and I don’t know if I’m going to watch this one, but I literally laughed myself into a near-asthmatic fit reading your “rendering,” Fish. (I completely lost it by “Tommy Two-Tits the Turk.”)

    Pure fried gold.

  3. “ducks any and all responsibilities for his actions”

    That statement applies to 99.9% of Hollywood and about 75% of the country.

  4. Cock Dr

    Because family is always there for you.

  5. rantatonne

    Read this with Adele playing in the background. Two things that make me wonder how so much loss could be so full of win?

  6. Bonky

    Four and a half minutes of Frank patting himself on the back. Boring.

  7. it had to be said

    “Mike couldn’t perform.”

    I bet that is the truest thing he said in this video.

  8. Richard McBeef

    ‘outright piece of shit’ is poetic gold. i’m stealing that. it just has that little bit of something extra that really drives it home.

  9. Samantha

    Squeaks Squallasqueakimo IS MY NEW NAME FOR EVERYTHING. holy shiiiiit i laughed so hard

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