Farrah Abraham Writes Erotica Now

April 2nd, 2014 // 71 Comments
'Blowin?' Seriously?
Farrah Abraham Blowin
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Like any Christian author paying his or her dues, Farrah Abraham has to get a trilogy of erotic romance novels out of her system before she can set herself to the task of instructing you, the Godless heathens, on how to raise your children in a manner befitting the Kingdom of Heaven. Which brings us to “In The Making,” the first installment of the “Celebrity Sex Tape” series, so already you can feel the originality just splooging all over your face. Like a shot of creativity to the butthole. Via Fishwrapper:

“I was inspired to write a book about someone who went from being ‘normal’ to a reality star in the public eye. Book One: In the Making allowed me to explore my personal experiences over the last year while also branching out into fiction at the same time. Ellora’s Cave Publishing was the perfect fit for my first romance series because they celebrate women’s sexuality in a positive and healthy way. Starting the Celebrity Sex Tape series allowed me to transition my energy into a learning experience for me and my readers.”

Here’s the Amazon product description:

The journey…
Hot sex. A few thrills. A lot of tips and tricks. There has to be more to life than this, and I’m going to find it.

The woman…
I’m like every other person out there: I want to be loved and I want to be happy. But in the words of my best friend, I have to kiss a few frogs along the way. That’s okay, I know what I want and I’m not afraid to go after it, to hell with what other people think. My name is Fallon Opal, and I’m not who everyone thinks I am.

The star…
To the world I’m another starlet gone crazy: always traveling, clubbing non-stop, and juggling drug problems and alcohol issues. The truth couldn’t be further from that. I’m on a journey to find myself and I’m going to do it without shame—my way. Sometimes it feels like the world is against me but that won’t stop me from getting mine.

And the exclusive Superficial excerpt:

CHAPTER 1: BOMBSHELLS BE BOMBING

“What’s your name?” Archimedes Rhinestone asks.
“Fallon Opal,” I tell him.
“Would you like to make a movie?” he says after a moment. Perhaps he realized that I was destined to be a celebrity. It was practically written on my beautiful face with a nose that’s just the right size and totally not ugly. My best friends have always been jealous of it.
“Who are the other actors?” I ask him because I’m a woman who knows what she wants and will only work with the best. Jared Leto comes to mind, but I save that thought for the negotiating table.
“Your butt and my man-cock,” he says. “Colliding together in artistic expression. But not for money or a porno.”
After a moment of thought and silent prayer, I accept Archimedes offer. Had he suggested I be paid as some sort of sex actress, I would’ve rebuffed him. But this was something different that no one would expect because they don’t really know who I am. This would be a private thing that even though it would catapult me to super-stardom that blows all the haters away, just blowin’ them away, it would be an awful, awful thing to be released now on Vivid home video. Fallon Opal has rules, and those rules will be followed.
“Should we begin now?” he says.
We have hot sex like a real boyfriend and girlfriend. No one squirts. There are no multiple camera angles. It’s just two people filming themselves in the thongs of passion like a beautiful wedding.
An hour later, Archimedes sells our tape to a sex tape company who puts it on the Internet without any releases being signed to make sure I’m of legal age because that’s how that business works. I’m suddenly the most famous person in the world who now has to live with the shame of knowing my parents were stupid for not thinking I’d be a superstar celebrity. These next 600 pages are my story, my journey, my awakening. There will be no more fucking from this point on, no more ass play, just one woman’s quest to navigate million dollar deals and men totally wanting her more than her friends back home who lead boring lives going to college and raising children. Children which I do not have because they just drag you down and are so freaking annoying. Thank God, I didn’t listen to my mother and got that abortion.

You’re going to want to savor every word.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Her pen name: Eyeore

  2. Farrah Abraham Cleavage Balls Vodka MTV The Real World Ex Plosion Season Premiere Party
    Schadenfreude
    Commented on this photo:

    The Queen of the Single Entendre displays how she holds something large in her hand with balls on it.

  3. dennis

    Teen Mom her ass. She looks like she’s pushing 45. I think she actually had her kid at 40.

  4. Deacon Jones

    So has anyone found her videos on some of the mainstream porn sites yet? I tried that file sharer stuff and that’s some shady shit. I dont trust any of it, it always tries to install shit on my tablet.

  5. Don’t leave the book out in the sun. Wax crayons get all melty and smudgy in the heat.

  6. Sadly, there’s no way whatever Abraham comes up with will be as good as what Fish just mindlessly spitballed here.

  7. I am seriously considering changing my name to Archimedes Rhinestone.

  8. MarketingMike

    This has-been fame-whore is:
    1. Not pretty, not even remotely attractive any more
    2. Annoying, and she just doesn’t learn from her mistakes
    3. Probably broke again, and soon to be pregnant again

    Honestly, I would date 99% of the women on this site,
    but I wouldn’t even want to be in the same room with this one.

  9. “Who are the other actors?
    Your butt and my man-cock.”
    Laughed out loud. More entertainment in that line than the entire book will have. Oh yeah, she’s so private and undiscovered, By that I mean she showed the world her gaping anus.

  10. Tiggles

    Ever an original, Farrah has already decided on titles:
    Don Quixote In My Butt
    Gulliver’s Travels In My Butt
    A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man In My Butt
    Little Women In My Butt
    The Brothers Karamazov In My Butt
    Lord of the Flies (Eeww, flies!) In My Butt
    Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy All In My Butt

    • Catch 22 (STDs in my Butt)

    • Moby Dick in my Butt

    • A Tale of Two Cities In My Butt
      Crime and Punishment In My Butt
      Paradise Lost In My Butt
      Romeo and Juliet In My Butt
      Great Expectations In My Butt
      Lady Windermere’s Fan In My Butt
      Heart of Darkness In My Butt
      1984 In My Butt
      The Importance Of Being Earnest In My Butt
      Of Human Bondage In My Butt
      Windows Server 2012 Unleashed In My Butt

    • Juch

      Animal Farm In My Butt

      Oh come on, you know her inter-species work is only about three years away.

    • Sex for Dummies In My Butt

    • Boom Shakka

      This entire thread needs to finish off this week’s Most Important People. Rarely do I bust a gut.

      All The President’s Men in my butt
      Captain Phillips in my butt
      A Fish Called Wanda in my butt
      The Three Musketeers in my butt
      Please Don’t Eat the Daisies in my butt
      Django Unchained in my butt
      As Good As It Gets in my butt
      Goldfinger in my butt
      Inglourious Basterds in my butt

      And last but not least…
      Bedknobs and Broomsticks in my butt

      • Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee in my Butt
        The Holy Bible in my Butt (King James in my Butt)
        Franny and Zooey in my Butt (Notice it rhymes with “Tranny and Gooey in my Butt”)

      • Interview With the Vampire in my Butt
        The Vampire Lestat in my Butt
        A River Runs Through it in my Butt: (or Down my Throat)
        The Last of the Mohicans…yes, even them…IN MY BUTT!

        I probably overdid it a bit. I couldn’t help it. I’m really not quite right in the head.

  11. The last time I looked, “erotica” isn’t supposed to make you want to gouge your eyes out with a spork so you can’t read any more. Or is that the part that’s supposed to be the “learning experience”?

  12. It’s nice to see Joe Camel’s gender reassignment went well.

  13. Goose

    God damnit I hate you and think your politics are pure evil, but that was funny as fuck.

  14. She’s like this rash that keeps popping up on my peen. She’s just a persistent adaptive lil bitch.

  15. it had to be said

    I don’t think “stick it in my butt” is erotica.

  16. Coco T-Rex

    Can I get your billing information? Every time you post pictures of this monster, my monitor cracks. I figure you ought to compensate me for the value of at least a few dozen of them by now!

  17. Cock Dr

    ” I’m on a journey to find myself ”
    Hint: she’s up in her own butt. We can see it but she can’t.
    She has no redeeming qualities, except as an example to hold up to your young daughters as to why it’s not a good idea to have babies at an early age and why you wouldn’t want to get involved in the adult entertainment industry.

  18. Chapter 1: It’s In My Ass
    Chapter 2: It’s In My Mouth
    Chapter 3: It’s Back in My Ass
    Chapter 4: Now It’s in My Vagina
    Chapter 5: In My Ass Again
    Chapter 6: Back in My Mouth
    Chapter 7: Taking it in the Face
    Chapter 8: Why Do I Have Bad Breath?
    Chapter 9: Pelvic Inflammatory Disease

  19. Oh BABY

    I always maintained that no woman could be uglier than Tori Spelling.

    And then I saw Farrah Abraham.

  20. I would rather read a childrens book written by Steven Segal and Andy Dick.

  21. Farrah Abraham Cleavage Balls Vodka MTV The Real World Ex Plosion Season Premiere Party
    Commented on this photo:

    A face only a boner could love…..not mine, but someone’s.

  22. If this stupid whore would’ve just accepted that she’s a porn star and continue down that path she could’ve had a decent career on the way. Instead, we get all of this bullshit.

  23. Lorne

    “No one squirts.”

    Lost hard.

  24. Farrah Abraham Cleavage Balls Vodka MTV The Real World Ex Plosion Season Premiere Party
    Commented on this photo:

    I keep wondering who Richard Pryor had this love child with…

  25. Lost it at “Archimedes Rhinestone”

  26. Ha, ha! That was great, Fish! Edit out the irony, and you could have been Farrah’s ghostwriter! Because she obviously had a ghostwriter. That you’re able to sound exactly like.

    Um … is there something you need to tell us, Fish?

  27. Ellora’s Cave, the publisher of this idiocy, is the competitor to the company I work for (I’m an erotica editor… yes, I read this stuff for a living) and I feel horrid for the authors that will forever be tied with this horse-faced twit. EC is already receiving backlash from actually accepting this trash not only from authors but from their readers, as well. Granted, the erotica business is a wretched place to be ever since 50 Shades came out and the big eBook retailers are on a banning spree, but we wouldn’t even stoop this low.

  28. dingdong

    please just make her go away……her and Miley

    • FA and Miley
      brilliant.
      I’m seeing Trashy and Trashier in a head-to-head live competition to beat Lisa Sparxxx’s record.
      Don’t let LiLo’s people know about this.

  29. Cock Dr

    “Sometimes it feels like the world is against me but that won’t stop me from getting mine….right up in my butt”.

  30. Farrah Abraham Cleavage Balls Vodka MTV The Real World Ex Plosion Season Premiere Party
    jep
    Commented on this photo:

    It’ll take more than a single bottle of booze to make that skank look good.

  31. boobie

    When will she just realize she’s fucking ugly and just give up and embrace it?

  32. Farrah Abraham Cleavage Balls Vodka MTV The Real World Ex Plosion Season Premiere Party
    Commented on this photo:

    Damn…that is a face only a mother could love. Luckily she has a butthole everyone can love.

  33. Cyber Dildonics 2.0

    Say what you will about her, but as a multi-orifice cock socket she gets the job done. I’d spend an afternoon debasing her if given the opportunity. Anal creampies are fucking awesome.

  34. I think the news here it’s that Farrah Abraham writes ;)

  35. Codot

    I’m just shocked that she can write. Anyone else shocked that she can write? That, to me, just doesn’t make sense.

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