Someone Tell Farrah Abraham That Jessica Alba Doesn’t Look A Thing Like Her

July 22nd, 2014 // 14 Comments
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Farrah Abraham Pocket Pussy
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I talk a lot of shit about Jessica Alba, but that’s only because she won’t get naked, so it’s actually kind of cute when you think about it. Seductive, even. But at the end of the day, she is a Hollywood actress who gets cast in (quasi-)non-pornographic movies that actually get made and are shown in a movie theater. Which makes it all the more ridiculous that Farrah Abraham would float her name in connection to a theoretical movie about her stupid sex tape book that she didn’t even write. Except now we know that Farrah thinks she looks like Jessica Alba if Jessica Alba’s nose came from Easter Island, so at least there’s that. Us Weekly reports:

Though she claims her fans have been asking her to star in a movie version of her new book, Abraham has no intentions of stepping in front of the camera to play Fallon.
“I’m not going to do a movie with this, so many people are obsessed with that idea, I think I’ve done, myself, enough TV, and me, obviously I would never be in a video or a movie of my book because that would be crazy,” she tells Us. “I mean, I guess I could—didn’t the Wolf On Wall Street guy kind of do it? Even though, it was such a different story and it was kind of absurd when like the plane goes down in the ocean, and I was like what?”
Although she’s unwilling to appear in the film herself, Abraham certainly envisions movie magic for Fallon. In fact, she’d like to bring in some big names.
“I want to have like other awesome actresses and actors,” she continued. “Jessica Alba… Or like, who knows? Sandra Bullock is like really good, too. When you’re an actress you can play any age.”

But take heart, Farrah Fans. Unlike that whore Jessica Alba, Farrah won’t sully herself with the adaptation of her book based on that time she butt-squirted all over James Deen, but she will star in productions that uphold and extol the virtues of Christianity:

“I will be acting in two movies, and I’m kind of staying closer to roles that are Christian-based,” she revealed.

Keep in mind, that just last week Farrah Abraham started selling rubber molds of her vagina. Not a long time ago in her past, or even a month ago, but seven days ago she was licking a vinyl vulva while standing on a red carpet in lingerie. Then again, she is enough of an Internet draw that she might be worth the return on investment because that’s really what these “movies” are all about. Roping in rubes and making bank. Right, Heaven Is For Real travel mug? Right.

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News


  1. Just do yourself a favour and stop talking, Farrah. You’ll be far better off.

  2. JC

    I had to check out her Twitter for myself when her FroYo website got hacked, and it’s a hilarious mish-mash of creepy cartoon characters trying to sell frozen yogurt, ads for plastic molds of her vulva and/or anus, and Christian parenting. It’s like if Sybil was on social media.

  3. Christian based, eh? Maybe she can film herself dying in a goddamn fire like the Sky Dog rains down on sodomites.

  4. Short Round

    If by mindless babbling of Farrah we get so see wet bikini pics of Jessica Alba then fine, I’ll cover my ears and look at the pictures.

  5. Dox

    We need to mix her and Kanye together.
    The shit that would come out of “Fanye Westraham’s” mouth would be legendary.

    Exploding, Christian, blowfish dinosaurs that sell artistic molds of their vagina’s nailed to a 2×4, with parenting tips engraved in them…..

    Oh man why can’t I have unlimited power?
    The world would be so much more interesting.

    • D-chi

      That name sounds like something out of Game of Thrones. In fact, let her star in an episode. A wedding episode.

  6. Jessica Alba Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I could spend all day in that ass.

  7. cletus

    “Though she claims her fans have been asking her to star in a movie version of her new book… ”


    Really? All three of them, four if you count her mother, want her to do it?

  8. ‘Sandra Bullock is like really good, too.’

    She couldn’t sound more idiotic if she tried.

  9. Jessica Alba Bikini
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s looking a bit squatty

  10. SM

    I don’t know why, because she’s a moron, but Farrah Abraham’s inflated ego and lack of talent really grinds my gears. Yeah, gorgeous Jessica Alba or Oscar-caliber actress Sandra Bullock would ever consider even watching that trash, much less starring in it. She cant fathom starring in her own smutty movie but Jessica Alba or Sandra Bullock can have the privilege of bringing her ghost-writer’s words to life. It boggles my mind that Farrah has even had a nose job- she should get her money back cuz I really don’t see a difference, she still looks like a deformed horse. She surely thinks highly of herself if she truly believes she resembles Jessica Alba. She needs to learn her role- she is considered an adult entertainer when she is not doing reality TV and not some Christian role model. You can’t do both. If any mother buys her “religious” parenting book they should really be investigated as to whether or not they are fit to be a parent.

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