Donald Trump To Grieving Kelly Preston: ‘Would. Bang.’

When we last left Donald Trump, he was being accused of groping a tenth woman at the US Open. Since then, he’s been accused of soliciting a porn star for sex and throwing parties full of underage girls that he presumably did more than just look at. Yet somehow that last one, which seems like some pretty horrible and illegal shit, came and went like it never even happened, so I don’t know why I’m even bothering to tell you that Donald Trump bragged about trying to bang Kelly Preston in an open condolence letter about her son dying. I’m really living the dream here. Mother Jones reports:

“A long time ago, before I was married, I met Kelly Preston at a club and worked like hell to try and pick her up,” he wrote on the Trump University website. “She was beautiful, personable, and definitely had allure. At the time I had no idea she was married to John Travolta.”
He continued, “In any event, my track record on this subject has always been outstanding, but Kelly wouldn’t give me the time of day. She was very nice, very elegant, but I didn’t have a chance with her, and that was that.”
Trump ended his blog post by saying his thoughts were with Preston and her family.

“True story, nobody talks about it, but I tried very hard to bang Kelly Preston. Didn’t happen. No big deal. I fucked many, many women in that time. Just the best track record. Tons of them. Gosh, there were so many. Anyway, sorry her kid died. I heard it was Scientology. Very sad.”

Your family values candidate, folks. And if you think I’m joking, welcome to the sad, depressing reality that Donald Trump could’ve been Jerry Sandusky this whole time, and evangelicals would still slobber all of his orange cocktail frank of a dick because he realized promising to overturn Roe V. Wade works exactly as well as his stupid wall horseshit. Case in point:

Donald Trump said he’ll kill live children just for being related to terrorists.
Yeah, but abortion.

Donald Trump ate a baby out of a mother’s womb.
Yeah, but abortion.

Donald Trump revealed he’s Satan and winning the election will kill Jesus.
Yeah, but abortion.

Donald Trump won and not only didn’t overturn Roe V. Wade, but installed a cannon that fires free abortions from the White House lawn.
Yeah, but abortion.

(Did I make my point? I might’ve been too subtle.)

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