‘Do These Look Big Enough? I Can Never Tell.’

September 14th, 2010 // 256 Comments

Sorry to hit you with two Heidi Montag posts today, but – *points up* – those.

Apparently before leaving Costa Rica, Heidi took time to pose on the beach in a bikini that could barely contain her massive jugs, or she horribly underestimated their ability to take on sea water. I’m of two minds on the subject. That said, I know I should be sick of seeing this chick parade around in swimwear, yet here I am staring like I’ve never undressed my cousin’s Barbies. Just last night. (I need help.)

Photos: Pacific Coast News


  1. uggkill

    you can find many ch-eap and fa-shion stuff

  2. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    first dong

  3. Any Guy

    i’d bang the annoying right out of her.

  4. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    Y’know, she is so pretty without the makeup but permanent ace bandage on her nose and all the crap she goes through just makes me sad. Dang.

  5. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d like to see her with her natural haircolor.

  6. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    first, you sons and daughters of courtesans

  7. castallare

    You know, I’m really not a superficial type of gal and I do appreciate hot women a good deal but, honestly, for someone who’s spent half their life in a plastic surgeon’s office, she’s painfully mediocre-looking.

    • Catty Girl

      ewww she’s gross

    • Mike Walker

      It’s weird. She had a unique look before. Now she looks like an average broad and it’s only going to get worse as she ages.

      • TOWN COCK

        More surgery you get, the sooner you’ll age. FUN-BAGS Heidi I might still do, but God I hope she won’t go full-bore like plastic-queen Pamela. It’s old hat, now, but when old Pamela perked her peaks back then, it gave the crowd a rise. With Heidi’s artificial boobs, that’s all people are gonna look at, no more acting skills, etc. Heidi, please DON’T follow Pamela’s and KK’s steps, especially snippin’ away ALL your pussy lips, Honey, the more lips, the merrier!!! Knock on my dungeon-doors, tonight, and I just might give you a cherry plucking…

  8. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    First! Titties!

  9. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:


  10. No heidi you moron they are fucking BEE STINGS!! Ask your doctor if Farang Ding Dong tits are right for you (youtube it)

  11. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh gosh. Don’t let her see this cellulite pic. She’ll off herself!

    huh, wait..DO SHOW IT!

  12. yep yep, can be classified as a float-able device….but do my eyes deceive me??is that a camel toe!!! fukin yessss, story was worth it

  13. Kim

    What the eff is that on her nose – bandages? Another surgery this week?

  14. Miss

    I know why she is never satisfied with her body. It’s because she is skinny fat. Skinny fat bodies are soft to the touch, and kind of bubbly looking, so looking in the mirror makes her feel like she’s fat. Although i prefer that softness on girl, this one should try to create some muscle, so she can finally feel good about her body.

    • Spencer installed her a full length mirror from one of those carnival houses of mirrors, just to keep her on her toes. Pity she’ll never get it

    • The Only Hetero in this Joint

      What kind of insightful stupid ass tranny theory is that?!

    • chelsea

      She’s not skinny-fat, she has nice abs IMO. I think her body is hot as fuck, minus the balloons on her chest.

    • trailerparkskank

      it is her legs ..they are abnormally short for her body ..
      she has no neck & very large head which the doc’ made bigger with the implants ..
      the reason hontag holds her hair in front all the time is so it will be easier to photoshop the appearance of a neck ..
      she made the mistake of trying to make an unattractive body perfect ..
      some things are genetic & that’s life ..
      her jealousy of other women & her competitiveness drove her over the edge …all the fotos in the world can’t hide what you are in real life ..
      the desperate narcissim coupled with a slandering , lying personality is VERY unattractive ..
      bad vibes man …
      bad vibes ..
      glad they got kicked outta hollywierd ..

  15. fester

    I’m beginning to sypathize with her having her plastic surgeon whacked. Looking at the last pic in the series, her new ass is kind of a trainwreck.

    • trailerparkskank

      yeah …lawwwwwwd ….
      wow ! there is no substitute for fitness & exersize ..
      the flabby lazy ones get the surgery ..
      this is with photoshop too !
      imagine in real life ?
      the whole background was shopped out to reshape her body ..
      who do they think they’re kiddin’?

  16. Marcus

    if her brain was as big, she would be one smart girl.

  17. Cock Dr

    Yes, those pontoons are way big enough. Now go touch up those horrible roots.
    The nose band-aid is cute in a twisted way. It helps remind us just how screwed up this women is.

  18. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    The backside is not as good as one would expect with all that maintenance & surgery upgrades.
    Sometimes, no matter how hard ya try, a person just can’t escape their big buttock genes.

    • Doc Schweinstrudel

      she increased her buttocks on purpose, silly

    • Penis

      She had no ass. She wanted more

    • Scott

      It amazes me when people think small butts are ideal. Nice small & ass don’t ever belong together

      • Lord Humungous

        THANK YOU, SCOTT!!! …i have been barking this same thing at dudes for as long as i can remember. (my theory: guys who love small, boyish asses are latent homosexuals…not that there’s anything wrong with that, just, stop bitching about how “fat” [ie; curvy] females are and go bang the long, lean, flat-ass dudes you really want)

    • brian

      ass looks good to me its a black man thing she fits in to our likes nothin wrong with having tits and a butt nobody wants a flat ass except an old white guy who cant handle a nice plump butt lol

  19. Photoshop Police

    entering minute 27…

    15 minutes still EXPIRED.


  20. Turd Ferguson

    Oops, my lame suit almost fell off and exposed my silicone jugs.
    And what are the odds of a camera being there to catch it all?!

    Darn my bad luck.

    – Heidi

  21. GravyLeg

    Jesus, that shit is so contrived…

    I mean, really… Stage and pose much?

    If we had luck, she would have made it to Peru a few months back…
    There is this Dutch guy that loves big cans and little brains….

  22. Doc Schweinstrudel

    She is just like a child who just discovered they have sexual organs and can’t stop touching themselves.

  23. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    I would still do her. What’s up with the stuff on her nose? She needs more lipo on her ass. Would have been nice if he top actually did fall off…I’d like to see those beauties.

  24. The Only Hetero in this Joint

    Consider this a two for one deal (Based on commentary I just saw in previous post): I am sick and tired of the near constant Heidi bashing here by readers who must all be trannys. Yes, this beautiful creature comes attached to the hip with the single biggest douche the civilized world has ever known BUT look what you get in the bargain: An utterly ravishing beauty who has demonstrated her commitment to making the world a more beautiful place by blessing my eyes with huge knockers, a beautiful face and body to go along with them – not to mention one of the most beautiful turd-cutters this side of Kim Kardashian.

    I personally thank God for each and every Heidi post because it is one less post where I will have to be subjected to the hideous sight that is Lindsay Lohan. For %#$^ sake people: Think about it! Here are your choices people: Owen Wilson’s penis-in-a-box, Kate Gosselin’s hopelessly stretched out vagina or the beautiful Heidi in a bikini. F me I think I think I’ll have Door Number 3 Monty!

    So – Owen Wilson’s exposed penis or the Exposed Penis THAT is Spencer Pratt (Or John Mayer – Lord what a douche!)? Once again: I’ll take whatever I can get of Heidi – even if it comes with a dose of Spencer on the side. In fact, while I’m pleasuring Heidi with my 3 inch man rod (In my dreams Heidi tells me she likes my sense of humor and size doesn’t matter…) Spencer can sit over in the corner and stroke his Charles Manson beard and fondle his fake Glock. I DO NOT CARE as long as I get a daily dose of Heidi. As for the rest of you complainers, get thee to a counselor as you are all closet cases!

    • Doc Schweinstrudel

      ha ha ha. I totally agree about lindsay. And what you said about Charles Manson beard was funny

    • duke chute

      sorry…couldn’t make it past “ravishing beauty.” You need to have your eyes checked brah.

    • Gallo

      “knockers” insinuates that those monstrosities swing enough to touch each other. Her tits hover away from each other like opposite-pole magnets.

    • crack in can baby

      seriously? rotflmao

    • Woofus

      I have big boobs, but if mine were as big as Heidi’s I’d never leave the house

    • I agree about Spencer Pratt and I really don’t give a fuck about Kate ‘Grand Canyon’ Gosselin, but Heidi isn’t the be all and end all of hotness. That nose is still not healed after being in hiding for over a year? The Bandaged look isn’t hot. She has nice hips and ass, and her body in general is very nice. I’m not saying I wouldn’t try to drill for oil in her tar sands, but she is overhyped and over rated.

  25. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Nom Nom
    Commented on this photo:

    Either you can see her nipple pinching through her fingers or she needs to get her finger checked out for a really nasty wart.

    Am I the only one seeing it?

  26. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    She needs to hit the gym to shore up those scrawny thighs and butt.

  27. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    She honestly does not even look like the same person – that’s some surgery!

  28. Nom Nom

    You can see her nipple in Pic #2. Pinching through her fingers.

    Dirty girl.

  29. dude

    her ass was perfect before that doctor ruined it. He should smoke a turd in hell for that.

  30. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    All i can see is stars!!!


  31. Janis

    All I can see is stars!!

  32. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    is it just me or is she pinching her nipple between her thumb and index finger?

  33. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    she looks so stupid

  34. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    god damn!

  35. ChinoLatino

    Am I the only one who thinks shes pretty hot and has a great body? Nice legs and flat stomach.

  36. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    I think her legs are too short for that ASS

  37. Ken

    I think this site has a duty, if not a god-directed crusade, to post all pictures of this monster in any bikini, nipple-slippage, bondage (why not?) photo that has “leaked” to the press. Damn if it’s 2 or even 10 times in a day. Because that’s why lotion was invented!

  38. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m still pissed there’s no sex tape. I’d hit it

  39. jaime

    her face keeps changing from photoshoot to photoshoot!

    • Agnes

      There are more than one Heidi. My count is three. Ha, ha, the hoax is on us! Spencer, you are so tricky!

  40. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s so ugly…and um..idk why she has to hold them…it’s not like they move anyway LOL and girl needs to get her roots fixed, or at least dye her hair the natural color she looks like a crackwhore… lol

  41. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    I have always wondered with her if the carpets match the drapes. I picture her puss looking like a peach, little bit of fuzz and dripping. Besides the fact that she has massacred the upper portion of her body, the bottom half is flawless, great hips and curves…

  42. alex

    Dear lord those are amazing bolt-on’s. I want em I want em I want em.

    • Rough, stole dead friend's personality

      That’s funny. I had a similar Herman Munster tantrum over Heidie’s alleged faux cheeks….

  43. yikes

    She could be the dumbest broad in the world.

  44. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Great body…

    Nothing says sexy like that body and surgical tape to hold the nose on….

  45. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    Seriously she needs to stop wearing the nose tape in public. It makes her look like a fucking idiot. Also, the expression on her face is so fake. Like, oh whoops my top came off hehe. Besides that she looks pretty. Her body is perfect.

  46. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    what happened to the nose???

  47. anonymous

    I’d fuck her. I’d be ashamed of myself afterwards but that would pass when I’m ready to fuck again.

  48. Well she has the porn star look down, good thing they didn’t plastic surgery her mouth shut or she wouldn’t have a future career

  49. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    that “surprised / mock-injury” look she often gets on her face (ex. photo 4) is actually quite a turn-on for me….

  50. Heidi Montag Bikini Wardrobe Malfunction
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ve stared at this…there is no nipple…is it supposed to work like magic eye?

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