Derek Jeter: ‘Thanks For Banging Me, There’s A Gift Bag Out In The Car’

December 14th, 2011 // 78 Comments

“What? Hickory Farms is expensive shit.”

When Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up, pretty much everyone assumed he’d just starting banging random women at will because he’s a deep reservoir of emotion. Turns out he’s not only been doing that, he’s been doing it in the most dickishly awesome way possible. The New York Post reports:

The Yankees captain’s wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kiss-offs came to light when he mistakenly pulled the stunt twice on the same woman — forgetting she had been an earlier conquest, a pal told The Post.
“Derek has girls stay with him at his apartment in New York, and then he gets them a car to take them home the next day. Waiting in his car is a gift basket containing signed Jeter memorabilia, usually a signed baseball,” the friend dished.
“This summer, he ended up hooking up with a girl who he had hooked up with once before, but Jeter seemed to have forgotten about the first time and gave her the same identical parting gift, a gift basket with a signed Derek Jeter baseball,” the pal said.
“He basically gave her the same gift twice because he’d forgotten hooking up with her the first time!”

So not only is Derek Jeter immediately shoving women out the door in the morning, he’s thanking them with autographed trinkets he has laying around his apartment. “Hey, last night was really great. Which is why I want you to have this, uh.. bobblehead autographed by the 2008 Yankees. May it forever symbolize- Oh, thank fuck, the car’s here. Christ, dude, I had to talk to this one.”

Photos: Getty, Bauer-Griffin


  1. tits mcgee

    Honestly, he’s so ugly. How does anyone bang him?

    • Schmidtler

      you are aware he’s a famous athlete with millions & millions of dollars, right?

    • mrsmass

      for serious. i never understood how chicks could find him hot. and signed baseballs, who the fuck wants that?

    • Venom

      Look at the models that bang and have kids with those flabby 80 year old billionaires, Jeter is Prince Charming compared to those guys.

    • jujubeet

      He actually looks much better in person and out of uniform…trust me. I’m not impressed with his looks either, but it’s wayyyy better close-up.

      • Schmidtler

        the question was ‘how does anybody bang him’. so what do his looks have to do with that? Madonna & JLo still score ripped young dudes – are their looks that impressive? Jon Gosselin had an endless parade of chicks willing to bang him. It wasn’t because of his looks.

    • tits mcgee

      “Jon Gosselin had an endless parade of chicks willing to bang him”

      This is a lie.

      Call me old-fashioned but I’d rather fuck a dude I find attractive. And their actions don’t make sense – banging him = one-time stand, not a guarantee that he’ll marry you. So they don’t even get a taste of those millions. What a sad life it must be, when your career goals revolve around hoping the condom breaks so you can rake in child support money.

      • mrsmass

        well, considering the post was “Honestly, he’s so ugly. How does anyone bang him?” i’d say that the question has to do with his looks, or lack thereof.

        i can say that i would only randomly bang someone based upon their looks. if they were ugly, why the random one night stand fuck? because they have money? that doesn’t make sense.

    • ZigZagZoey

      Kinda says a lot about his bedroom skills…..
      As in not MEMORABLE?

      Brings new meaning to “parting” gift, hey? Thanks for parting your legs, off you go now…..

    • Sliver

      He’s got the herp…end of story.

    • Duke

      (after smoking a big joint…)

      Now I realize what a shallow statement this is. He’s so ugly, why would anyone bang him? What about his personality and character? Are yo saying you only bang people who look good? Because that’s even worse than banging someone because of their money and fame. At least money and fame are a representation of someone’s standing in society, whereas looks is something nobody can change and is not a guarantee of the type of person you are. Look at me for example, I’m handsome but have no heart. Bros before hos. Bitches ain’t shit.

    • dooood

      maybe women are just horrible

    • bastdcat

      as Pink Floyd once said…”money,money, money,…money.”

  2. rantatonne


  3. Dude of Dudes

    Random no one’s who fuck Derek Jeter are lucky to get a car ride home. Something they can sell, for let’s face it drugs and fake tits, is a bonus.

  4. Duke

    Please ladies. Don’t act like oooh, but he’s so ugly. You know you would fuck a walking piece of shit for money and fame. Le’ts not get sentimental now.

    • Cock Dr

      Speak for yourself “Duke”.
      I do applaud the Jeter for puncturing the over inflated egos of many baseball groupies. Suggest he get an assistant to help keep the parting gifts logistics straight.

      • Alex

        Come on. You know Duke is right. There are a handful, HANDFUL of women in the world that wouldn’t fuck a walking piece of shit for money (much less fame). You know that’s correct. The fact that you go on the offense speaks volumes.

    • stratacat

      so kris jenner is calling herself “duke” now?

  5. Frank Burns

    A signed baseball, a meat and cheese sampler from Hickory Farms, and oh yeah, herpes (rumored)!

  6. Euroman

    My kind of a guy; good for him

  7. it works, though, right? i mean, she got a crappy basket of yankees shit (redundant) and then came back for seconds?

    obviously she has some esteem problems.

  8. Richard McBeef

    No fucking way, I give out signed baseballs to all the random women I bang too. Fucking idea stealing asshole. But, it’s such a sweet move, how can I hardly blame him? Women fucking cherish that baseball too. Just fucking cherish it.

    “Enjoy this baseball as a memory of how I had wanton disregard as to the distance between your head and that wall. With warm regards, Richard McBeef”

  9. Not Sure


  10. Venom

    Proof that all Yankees are douchbags.

  11. occam's boner

    That is all I have ever gotten from my father…or so mommy told me…now my dreams are shattered. Thanks, internets!

  12. JP


  13. Donald Trump

    Except for his money – there’s nothing remotely attractive about this jerkoff.

  14. Donald Trump

    Big, fleshy face…..blech!

  15. LJ

    It’s a life I could only (wet) dream of achieving. Bang a babe, send her home with a smile and give her a trinket to remember me by.

  16. AtomicMug

    Did any of the women give HIM a gift?

    See? Women are more selfish than men.

  17. kimmykimkim

    You know there’s nothing wrong with a one night stand and there’s nothing wrong with a gift basket. If a guy ever did that to me and he was this rich, that goddamn gift basket MUST contain the following:
    1.) a 1/4 ounce of weed. Good weed. I meant a full ounce. Forgot we’re dealing with money here-ok ok a pound. A pound of good weed.
    2.) Gift cards for shoes and clothes and plenty of lingerie
    3.) a bottle of Vicodin, the fat blue ones
    4.) Cash
    5.) more cash and more weed

    • rican

      kimmy will you marry me? You best have big tits though.

      • kimmykimkim

        Rican, I’m extremely flattered by your proposal. What’s your idea of big? Don’t answer that. I mean, I just have sooo many suitors! What’s a girl to do? Give me some time to think about it. In the meantime, you should work on my gift basket. (haha! gift basket! That’s funny.)

    • dontkillthemessenger

      This is the winner.

      In defense of El Capitan, at least his women don’t look like they just did the Tranny Biathalon like a certain teammate of his.

    • pornstar

      Kimmy, the bottle of Vicodin, this I don’t get…

      How come none of these dumb broads, videotape this mediocre sex, so as to blackmail him later?

      Seems to me Kimmy, that he won’t give up the cash. Jeter, only has sex with hookers. The HERMES of hookers, the kind that get 5 000 for anal and then go away, no parting gifting required.

      If you’re going to have sex with a sports athlete-VIDEO TAPE.

      • kimmykimkim

        There’s nothing to get, pornstar. Vicodin is just good stuff.

      • Kimmy, you might be the perfect woman.

      • That Bastard Tony

        Kimmy is the perfect woman. I though you knew.

        In regards to the Vicodin, I have to ask. Is this because of some of the “activities” that you would participate in with your guy? I’m not saying anal necessarily, but maybe surprising rough stuff? If so, can we clone you?

  18. Jill

    You know what the sad thing is? These stupid women are honored for the privilege, I guarantee it. I live in Florida (insert joke here) and all the teams come here for spring training. You should see the never ending parade of bimbos who flock here simply to get a chance to bang a 3rd tier baseball player. They literally follow teams from around the country. We call them baseball whores. Not too inventive I know, but clear and focused on the problem at hand.

    • CranAppleSnapple

      Yeah, and it’s loads cheaper than hiring an actual prostitution whore-ah, AND the girls act like they really want to. This guy is doing way better than Charlie Sheen.

  19. Roidriquez

    He also gives them a raging case of STDs. The gift that keeps taking.

  20. Happy_Evil_Dude

    Am I the only one laughing at the thought of Minka Kelly being sent home with an autographed baseball?

  21. Carlos T. Jackal

    Please tell me that they get a t-short that says,
    “I banged Derek Jeter and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
    (and herpes)”

  22. 216-Dez Pursley

    Stupid new york yankees douchebags, no wonder they suck, also this asshole shouldn’t bang minka kelly in the first place, he is so fucking messed up, that is way your baseball career was gone nowhere.

  23. I wonder if A-Rod kept the second basket or threw it away like the first.

  24. forrest gump

    I’m sure this won’t surprise you: BALL’S ARE HIS GAME, folks.

  25. Is it true he signs and gives her the same baseball he shoved up her ass during their sex play? If so, that’s pretty cold.

  26. anthonyOA

    So… is this the only way to get a signed baseball from Derek Jeter?
    Hear these things are fetching $200 on eBay. $200 ain’t a bad price for sexy time.

  27. gigi

    wow, the herp must f* with your memory… ew…

  28. Hawk

    Personally, I don;t buy this story. Jeter has always been very private about who he bangs – so he’s giving these girls autographed memorabilia? In todays world of gold-digging chicks looking for 15 minutes of fame and a payout (every chick Tiger diddled) the last thing he wants to do is give them evidence they were with him!

  29. Minka Kelly
    Commented on this photo:

    Joe J – because she’s cool.
    CC – are you gay??

  30. Minka Kelly
    Commented on this photo:

    Yup you thought jails were over populated now! Just wait anothe week!

  31. jeterfan

    derek jeter may leave them with a gift bag and seem like a douche bad, but he also gives tons of money to charities and such, sowho gives a ht if he has few one night stands….

  32. Minka Kelly
    cheap hotel las vegas
    Commented on this photo:

    I take pleasure in, lead to I found just what I was taking a look for. You’ve ended my 4 day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye

  33. Minka Kelly
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow! Talk about a psointg knocking my socks off!

  34. Minka Kelly
    Scott Disick's love child
    Commented on this photo:


  35. Minka Kelly
    Scott Disick's love child
    Commented on this photo:


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