David Blaine was unconscious

blaine_unconscious.jpgNot only did David Blaine fail his world record attempt, he almost died trying to do it. Reports are coming out that Blaine was having convulsions and was unconscious when he was finally pulled out of the water.

“I wasn’t focused on records; I was thinking of a rescue,” said the trainer, Kirk Krack, a free-diving expert. A day after the televised stunt, Blaine, defying doctors’ recommendations, checked himself out of Roosevelt Hospital. Friends took him out in a wheelchair then helped him walk to a waiting car. At home, he took a hot shower, played cards and was able to eat. But “he was crying,” last night said Dr. Murat Gunel, the head of Blaine’s medical team. “He still feels today that he let people down.”

If they had just left him in there for another two minutes he would’ve had the record. He was already unconscious so he wouldn’t even have noticed. Plus he’d be grateful because then he wouldn’t be such a devastating failure at life. There’s only one way to earn people’s respect and that’s to hold your breath for a really really long time. Sure, Abraham Lincoln put an end to slavery, but he couldn’t hold his breath worth shit. And that makes him a loser.