Chris Pratt gets to have sex with Anna Faris and now on top of that, he’s scored the lead in Marvel’s next superhero franchise Guardians of the Galaxy because he’s the son of The Devil. That’s the only explanation. The Devil ejaculated into a human woman, nine months later Chris Pratt popped out and said, “Hey, how about a bunch of awesome shit happens to me,” and via unholy magic it did. Deadline reports:
I hear the role will go to Chris Pratt, the Moneyball star who bulked up and played one of the hero Navy SEALs in Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty. The role is Star-Lord, the Guardians leader who is the offspring of a human mother and an alien father. A puffier Pratt plays Andy Dwyer on the NBC series Parks And Recreation. He certainly has the charisma to hold the screen.
Chris Pratt reportedly beat out Joel Edgerton, Jack Huston, Jim Sturgess, Lee Pace and Eddie Redmayne who all killed themselves after learning they wouldn’t get to act next to a CGI raccoon voiced by Adam Sandler. What else do you do with that information?