Chris Pratt Might Be Your New Indiana Jones Now

Chris Pratt already made Disney a shitload of money with Guardians of The Galaxy, “so fuck it, let’s put him in everything,” someone presumably said while wiping cocaine from his nose. “Even Indiana Jones?” someone else asked between snorts. “Sure, but only if he’s both Harrison Ford and – wait for it, sniff, sniff, wait for it – the Asian kid. BOOSH! Fuck yeah! I can’t feel my tongue anymore. Is that normal?” Deadline reports:

Now, Disney has just started to turn its attention to reviving the Indiana Jones franchise after buying the rights from Paramount in 2013. I’m cautioned that while things are very early, I hear the studio has set its sights on Chris Pratt as the swashbuckling archaeologist they hope to build the new franchise around.

Look, I like Chris Pratt, I love Parks and Rec, I enjoyed the hell out of Guardians of the Galaxy, but goddammit, can’t we just leave some shit alone? I know it’s a complete Internet cliche to be salty about reboots and comic book movies (the latter I generally can’t get enough of), but Jesus Christ, didn’t Indy 4 unabashedly teach everybody that you can’t go home with this franchise? Fucking Steven Spielberg directed it himself, and it just proved these things were a byproduct of their times. Okay, sure, Pratt basically played Han Solo in GoTG, but he’s never going to be 1980s Harrison Ford in a 1980s Spielberg movie. That’s lighting in a bottle that nobody’s ever going to catch again. And now that I’ve said my piece, I look forward to standing in line with a fistful of money after I wrote no less than three posts about the trailers and then inevitably buy the Blu-ray because I’m the source of my own problems. MUAHAHAHAHA! (I don’t know why I’m laughing.) AHAHAHAHAHA!

Photo: NBC