Chris Brown Stole A Chick’s Phone So He Wouldn’t End Up On ‘No Website.’ It Didn’t Work.

February 23rd, 2012 // 127 Comments
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“I’mma do something retarded today.” – Chris Brown, each morning.

Chris Brown is a giant fucking idiot who does pretty much whatever he wants without fear of consequence, so what you’re about to read really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Via People:

Chris Brown faces new potential troubles with the law after allegedly snatching a woman’s iPhone as she tried to snap his
picture outside a Miami Beach nightclub.
Bitch, you ain’t going to put that on no website,” the singer, 22, angrily told the fan as he reached through his Bentley window around 4 a.m. Sunday and took the phone from her hands, according to a police report.

Circling back to that part where I said Chris Brown is a giant fucking idiot, his genius plan obviously backfired because now this story is on every single website, and it turns out he’s still on probation. So let’s get our good jerking hands out for the part where we all pretend Chris Brown will actually go to jail for this even though he basically got his butthole tongued by the court system after beating Rihanna into a parallel universe. TMZ reports:

If officials determine the allegations against Brown are true — that he “snatched” a cell phone from a woman in Florida — his probation could be revoked and he could be thrown in prison for 4 years.
As TMZ first reported, an arrest warrant has not been issued in Florida …at least not yet.

Of course, the real question here is what could this chick have possibly photographed that Chris Brown doesn’t want people seeing? If only we had some sort of clue. Some sort of hint that really takes this situation from behind and gives it that rough gay sex Chris Brown secretly likes. (I ran out of subtle bars.)

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, INFdaily, Splash News, WENN


  1. Little Tongue

    Hate that biatch.

    • Jack

      i told you Fish loved Chris Brown, hence the gay sex thing.

    • He's Special Not Like You

      Considering he broke several new laws in New York CITY recently, 3 of which have to do with dropping harmful debris onto a sidewalk from a building, something tells me he won’t be facing any jail time for this latest mess he’s in. Someone is getting paid a ton of money to keep Chris Brown out of jail and it isn’t just his lawyers it’s probably a D.A. or two and some judges.

      • Cher X

        Yeah right. Publicity. Cause Chris Brown clearly isn’t capable of behaving like an asshole on his own. No, never.

        Must have been a stunt.

    • See how it really is

      This never happened, it’s all publicity

  2. I don’t know what it is but I really hate this smug, abusive cocksucker and can’t wait till I see cold and gray!!!!

    • Probate Hell

      If he did take the persons property out of the persons hand he could be facing several charges the most devastating would be assault and battery. If he said anything while in his car to the woman while he was taking her phone he could be charged with assault with a deadly weapon and intention to commit bodily harm and battery.
      If he said anything in a threatening manner while taking the ladies property while in his car he could be charged with assault, battery and felinely aggravated assault with intention to cause bodily harm. If he snatched the persons property while in a car there is no way he escape being charged with assault and battery with a weapon. If she was injured those charges have the potential to increase.

      If he broadcasted his crime while in the vehicle while holding the persons property there are two other felonies he could be charged with. You can probably guess that someone in that vehicle was broadcasting before, after and during the crime was committed. When you violate your victim and the crime you commit while committing the crime you open yourself up to a new level of felony crime completely.

      It’s worse than you think.

    • D-chi

      Something about him? I think it’s the pretentious, unrepentant attitude. Also the woman beating.

      • Colostomy Bag

        Someone asked me who do I prefer, “Chris or Rihanna?” In all honesty I had to reply “Chris beats Rihanna every time.”

  3. GEO

    CB LTC!

  4. Lita

    It’s a total surprise he bullied a woman. What could have foreshadowed this?

  5. Jon Hex

    Tomorrow on buzzzfeed: “Chris Brown can beat me and steal my phone! Luv hm!!!1!!!” x50

  6. Joaquin ingles

    Please let that gold chain get caught in an industrial fan.

  7. O.B.

    Soon to be prison nickname:
    “Difficult Brown”
    On account he’s problematic AND he likes it up his anus.
    (See what I did there?)

  8. pretty vacant

    too great.

  9. Great White Pygmy

    When will the world figure out that talent does not equal character.

    • Who says this gobshite has either?

      • World Piece

        Chris Brown could violently molest children in his house for decades and not one of his fans would think any less of him. Chris Brown could be a hard core out of his mind pedophile drug addict and his fans would still love him.
        People need to believe in something and would kill anyone that would deny them their illusions.

    • D-chi

      Talent? If by talent you mean one for punching women while driving, then yeah. He has that.

      • D

        @ World Piece, you mean like MJ? Look at all the fuss and memorials done for MJ and he was a fucking pedo.

        You’re right. People seem to overlook wife beaters and pedos if you are a pop star. I don’t know why.

  10. He really doesn’t think a whole lot, does he? I suppose it doesn’t matter since there’ll be no repercussions whatsoever for his actions.

    • Grunts

      I propose an organized effort to fuck with him 24/7. You know sorta like paparazzi but no cameras, just talking mad shit. Inevitably he’ll flip his lid and throw stuff. Then the paps can take pictures.

  11. MoonBeam

    He’s a dickbag. I hate him.

  12. Carla

    This power bottom wanker is protected by powerful industry goons who are going to protect his sore ass until they’ve gotten back a sweet return on their investment. Sweet as Chrissy’s butthole.

  13. Carla

    This power bottom wanker is protected by powerful industry goons who are going to protect his sore ass until they’ve gotten back a sweet return on their investment. Sweet as Chrissy’s butthole.

  14. LJ

    ….and all the stories (except the one on this site) have published the girl’s name so all the girls that would kneel in front of Brown and ask for a kick in the face will start the death threats against the girl drive her out of her home and make her live in fear of her life, so that the next girl will keep her mouth shut.

  15. El Jefe

    Wouldn’t it be awesome if this was what finally got him put in prison? Yes. However as we have seen the prosecutors in LA or worthless piles of shit, completely fucking worthless.

    How can someone beat the living shit out of another person, the person have terrible photos and give a statement and then this asshole never spend even an hour in a prison cell? Then on top of that throw a chair at a window of a building in NYC above a street full of people and still not get arrested?

    How the fuck did Paris Hilton spend time in jail and this asshole has not?

    • D-chi

      One more reason not to like Chris Brown: he made me like Paris Hilton a little more in comparison.

      Speaking of which, has she just been behaving particularly well lately? Haven’t heard anything about her recently.

  16. …oops, doubled down on Chrissy Brown up there, just like he likes it … ick >_

  17. Aggie

    ‘Snatched’? Where I’m from we call that ‘stealing’.

  18. forrest


  19. JoJojojo

    “I’mma do something retarded today.” – Chris Brown, each morning.


  20. wakawaka

    why does he have to be gay in order to be disgusting?

    • Cock a doodle doo

      He beat a woman to the point of Death, that’s all you really need to be considered disgusting. The fact that he is gay and thinks it’s best to prevent his gay lifestyle from being made public is sinister at least.

      • D-chi

        Listen, if he’s in the closet, whatever. I really don’t care.


        That should cover it.

    • Carla

      I love ridiculing him because he’s obviously self-loathing and his fans are homophobic. When I call him Chrissy I can just hear the assholes of his sewer rat fans tighten and the gnashing of their nasty grills. / 2 cents were just flung your way.

  21. tt


    • Yeah, well fuck you, fuck Chris Brown, and throw in Kanye West while you’re at it. It’s only about two dollars more expensive to execute three idiots as opposed to one.

      This moron apparently doesn’t understand that the people he fucking with are the ones that buy music and music paraphernalia.

      As far as Rihanna goes, or any other woman for that matter, none of them deserve to have the shit kicked out of them. She’s a WOMAN, for fuck sake.

    • El Jefe

      From that retarded comment you made defending him I would have assumed you are black, but you spelled everything correctly so I am going to assume that you are one of those retarded white girls that tweeted that you wanted Chris Brown to beat you up. Am I correct?

      We know Chris Brown beat Rihanna to a pulp and we know that he threw a chair at a window of a building above a busy street in NYC. This shit is irrelevant. What you don’t know is if she has herpes and if she did that she gave it to him, so that constitutes libel on your part.

      • suck it

        Yes, because giving someone herpes (which is non life threatening and not the end of the world) justifies beating the shit out of them and leaving them for dead. You’re an idiot.

      • My ex-wife gave me herpes. I just divorced her.

      • AP Symon

        Are you implying that black people can’t spell properly?
        If so, please keep in mind that there are black people that live outside america that are quite fluent in the english language.

  22. tlmck

    Once upon a time in the entertainment industry, we had talented people who could make fine art. Now all we have is trash that can only create controversy.

  23. Frenchgal

    I want him in jail, and to have to grab the soap when it accidently falls.

    • See how it really is

      The more you say you want him in jail the more his fans will stand up and protect their hero. This is publicity for Chris Brown to increase his sales, nothing more.

    • Kiss My Ass Elmo

      “accidently falls.” That’s funny.

  24. Chris Brown # 1

    The Grammy’s gave him two slots on their show and provided him with one of the most expensive sets ever created for a televised award show.

  25. Logic

    If his lawyers haven’t made statements yet to the press concerning this claim then they aren’t one hundred percent sure that it didn’t happen. If his lawyers are not sure if this happened then it probably happened. Chris Brown more than likely committed a felony in Florida on the 19th, since his own legal advisors have yet to say otherwise.

    If he was innocent his lawyers would have been all over this immediately stating his innocence.

    • suck it

      I was questioning the validity of this claim, but yes, you are right. I am now more convinced it happened. Thanks Logic!

      • Chris Brown admitted being bi

        A lady claimed Chris Brown stole her property and Chris Brown has not denied the claim. Seems fair to assume that her claim is factual based on the public police report. She isn’t claiming he only took her property she is making several very detailed claims, all of which he has yet to deny.
        If he isn’t immediately denying this happened then yes it is safe to assume that it did happen. You either did or you didn’t.

        Lawyers are paid to lie.

      • Facts is facts

        Just to be clear he would not at all have to keep the phone. All he had to do was touch her property and he could be charged with robbery. Read a law book, “suck it”.

    • Please, for the love of God, have Florida prosecute this.

      Please, pretty please!

  26. suck it

    For once, this spam is appropriate to the main person in the story.

  27. Cock Dr

    “I’mma do something retarded today.” – Chris Brown, each morning.
    Love it Love it Love it Love it Love it

  28. Sean

    One website is reporting that he took the phone because the woman had taken a photo of him with two groupies, and he didn’t want Rihanna to see it. EG OO8 985 147 CA

    • Call The Feds

      That is felony robbery with assault and battery, the sheriff would be within his jurisdiction to impound the vehicle used during the crime immediately.

  29. Sean

    Oops, here’s the website that says Brown was with two groupies. And there is a photo of him going to the car with a blonde here:

  30. Chris Brown Girlfriend Karrueche Tran Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    my monitor is melting from an overdose of doucebagery

  31. Chris Brown Girlfriend Karrueche Tran Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    ….and poor spelling on my part

  32. Chris Brown Girlfriend Karrueche Tran Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    He is the queen of something

  33. Chris Brown Girlfriend Karrueche Tran Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Seriously, this is a man right?

  34. Chris Brown Girlfriend Karrueche Tran Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s nailed the ‘tuck’

  35. Chris Brown Girlfriend Karrueche Tran Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    The black bikini bottoms minimise any bulges

  36. Chris Brown Girlfriend Karrueche Tran Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    This is the third or fourth pic of him in this pose, did he do nothing else all afternoon?

  37. Chris Brown Girlfriend Karrueche Tran Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘time for my hormone shots’

  38. Chris Brown Girlfriend Karrueche Tran Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m assuming Karrueche is a guy right? She looks like my Thai wife (also bottle blonde) and she has a huge schlong, I should hook her up with Chrissie Brown.

  39. Chris Brown Girlfriend Karrueche Tran Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Hmmm, millionaire talented, multi award wining pop sensation Rihanna copied K-Tranny right?

  40. Boycott Chris Brown

    Unfriend and block everyone you know that loves Chris Brown. End the tyranny!

  41. alex

    The woman will accept a new Mercedes or Bentley as a gift and the charges will be dropped. No court will hear a case like this if the plaintiff pulls out.

    Like when Diddy pulled out of Chris and sprayed his face with celebrity DNA.

  42. Deacon Jones

    Maybe he’s subconsciously trying to get arrested so he can have raw butt sex every night in prison, thumping his chest going ” WHOO HOO HOOO HOOO AHHH AHHH WAHHH HOOO”

  43. Minky Wail

    The phone was useless to him. Siri don’t speak jive.

  44. TheListener

    This guy’s a young moron. If you’re on probation, just keep your head down and stay out of trouble. How hard can it be?!

  45. Brown is bi

    He’s not gay, people. He’s bi sexual. A bi sexual woman beater.

    • alex

      Only girls are bi. Girls. Guys, if you suck a dick occasionally, you’re gay. I know its not fair to label people this way but life isnt fair.

  46. TheMonkeemobile

    *Prepares house for possible Chris Brown Sentencing Riots*
    Downtown Cincinnati is like chok full of Chris Brown level idiots that would absolutely riot over something like that.

    It’s ok I’ll survive, I have a secret room that’s hidden behind educational books and personal hygine products (they’ll never check there).

  47. Schmidtler

    Why don’t we have a dedicated network of people who can show up anytime anybody anywhere shoves a camera or microphone in Chris Brown’s face, and scream questions at him about his love of gay ass ex and beating women, so that he can’t get on tv or radio without that stuff being aired along with whatever idiocy he’s trying to say? the added bonus would be to send him over the brink into full blown rage, which will make for hilarious tv. I can cover south jersey. all we’d need is lots of volunteers, and a site to track where he’ll be so folks can show up.

  48. bella

    I love that Fish hates Chris Brown. More men should see this situation the way Fish sees it.

  49. Vincent Priceless

    In 5 years, he’s broke and scrubbing toilets. Guaranteed.

  50. Alex

    She did get her iPhone back. Too bad it had greasy fingerprints all over it and smelled like coconuts and chili.

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