Chris Brown’s Retiring From Music Because Y’All Are Meanies

August 6th, 2013 // 60 Comments
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Chris Brown just announced on Twitter that he’s retiring from music at age 24. And if you’re wondering if he blamed it on people always mentioning he beat the living shit out of Rihanna, he blamed it on people always mentioning he beat the living shit out of Rihanna:

- Don’t worry mainstream America.After this X album, it’ll probably be my last album.
- Being famous is amazing when it’s for ur music and talent. I’m tired of being famous for a mistake I made when i was 18. I’m cool & over it!

Oh thank God. For a minute there I thought Chris Brown would not be cool that he has to retire because people only remember him for bashing Rihanna’s skull in before biting and choking her, but fortunately he’s entirely at peace with still being rich while never working again because he didn’t once try to act remorseful. Even when he got to re-fuck Rihanna and then dumped her for not letting him bang other women. Because, seriously, this would’ve been me, “Is Chris Brown cool? I refuse to sleep until I know that he is.” That’s no way to live.

Photos: Splash News


  1. cc

    I’d rather he retire from breathing.

  2. Best news I’ve had all day. That said, what are Brown’s career options from here on out? It’s not like beating women professionally pays as well as making shitty music for retarded fans.

  3. The camouflage Lamborghini should help him move about undetected.

  4. skunk

    what a cry for attention

  5. To this day I’ve never heard a Chris Brown song. As far as I’m concerned, he’s not famous for his music in the slightest…he’s famous for punching Rhianna in the face.

    I think the music world will survive his departure. Don’t let the door hit…ah fuck it, just get out.

    • Oh, I forgot to add:

      Yeah, fucking right. No way could this ever be another Chris Brown tantrum…he’s for real this time.

    • JC

      I have heard one of his songs, but only because somebody subjected me to a viral video a while back of a couple and their wedding party who danced down the aisle to a Chris Brown song. (I don’t need to see it again. Just Google “Chris Brown wedding dance” if you need to.)

      Needless to say, many chuckles were to be had at the idea of tying the not to the tune of a domestic abuser. To their discredit, they made the song more popular, but to their credit, they tried to wash some of the stink off by setting up a charity to raise money to prevent domestic abuse.

    • there are a couple shit songs I’ve heard that only recently discovered were CB, affirming by belief that it was shit music.

    • …don’t hit me, but, i actually have 3 of his songs in my itunes, they’re not bad hip-hop/R&B/pop tunes (i said don’t hit me!) …i hate to say it, but, he was actually a pretty talented kid, back before his douchebaggery became epic …but now i can’t listen to ‘em anymore, the same way i just can’t watch mel gibson movies, no matter how awesome they were. (what i will never understand are all the artists who put him on their songs and in their videos after he publicly beat the shit out of a woman)

  6. Kel

    It’s like Elvis dying all over again.

  7. devon

    her vag is hanging out!!!! keep it classy girl!!!

  8. Ben Dover

    Good go away scumbag, you are in the music business? The only thing you are famous for is beating a girl, good for you!
    I haven’t heard any music you have done (like 80% of the world)
    so go back to selling crack like most of your thug friends

  9. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    Commented on this photo:

    If only…

  10. Batu Khan

    He will stay in retiremenet until his money runs out or his ego demands he inflict himself upon the world again. This should happen in about 3…2…1…

  11. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    From the way she’s cradling her right arm, I’m guessing he’s already broken the elbow joint? Good thinking Chris – beat your women before you get in the car, so the ungrateful bitches don’t bleed on your fiiine whale leather seats.

  12. J-Roc

    I love how he’s still not able to take responsibility for what he did, instead doing nothing but crying and playing the victim.

    What an ignorant piece of shit.

  13. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    Commented on this photo:

    And the next runner up is this lovely lady, ready to get her face punched out. Reconstructive surgery not included. What a lucky drunk gal she is!

  14. BSname

    Unfortunately there is no way this is going to happen. This thug has absolutely no other job opportunities. His ego is so enormous that he thinks this is some sort of a threat.

    • …a pet peeve of mine: i am sick to death of the rampant misuse of the word “mistake” in our culture:
      mis·take [mi-steyk] noun, verb
      1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
      2. a misunderstanding or misconception.

      …99% of the time, the word people should actually be using is:
      mis·deed [mis-deed] noun
      an immoral or wicked deed.

      …but then, i guess if they had to properly identify what they’d done, they would’nt be able to remain in denial and not take responsibility for the shit they do.

  15. FHim

    I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact that his albums haven’t sold for shit compared to his pre-beating releases. Get the fuck out, dude, and please, for the love of God, stay out.

  16. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    Commented on this photo:

    Watch it Chris! Mr. Chow is ready for a sneak-attack!

  17. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    Commented on this photo:

    He thinks/wishes he was with Rihanna at the Buttsex Festival of Light

  18. Retiring from music? His garbage isn’t music. It’s pure crap.

  19. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey Fish, if you believe that shit….you also believe that LiLo is a virgin and Britney Spears is so reformed that she now attends church every Sunday before hosting the Women’s Prayer Circle on Tuesday evenings. Nothing but hype because his latest album is tanking……no new here, move on!

  20. You are going to retire at the age of 24? Really how are you going to defend yourself with future assault charges say with your current blonde girl friend? Lawyers especially the slimy ones are not cheap . Fuck you very much for your so called music.

  21. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    Commented on this photo:

    Who’s the hot chick and why is that doofus harassing her.

  22. In some form or fashion Chris Brown is hitting that.

  23. Chris Brown was 19 when he pummeled the crap out of Rihanna. I wonder what the “mistake I made when I was 18″ refers to. Hosting St. Jude’s “Math-a-Thon”? Co-starring in “This Christmas”? Other things that are not mentioned in his Wikipedia entry?

  24. Psychosis

    This would be grounds for celebration if it didn’t stink of an attention slut spewing retarded nonsense just so all of his fans (all self-named Mrs.Brown) could beg him to not give up because everyone outside of his close knit circle of idiocy doesn’t understand that real love = brutal assault.
    I won’t even queef for this be.

  25. the only time i ever heard him or saw him was on a morning tv show once and he was in concert and it was like watching a britney spears performance.
    he had all these dancers and the whole thing was all autotuned and choreographed and he was jumping and posing just like a britney and was really beyond dumb looking.
    he probably just pissed bcause no one is buying his “music”.

  26. Dear Lord… thank you!

  27. littlecoconut

    Mistake he made when he was 18? …. maybe he’s refering to being on the OC

  28. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    Pat C.
    Commented on this photo:

    Good looking chick – no bruises or black eyes.

  29. Nope. I can’t find a single fuck to give about this story. I thought I had one, but I lost it.

  30. “I’m tired of being famous for a mistake I made when I was 18.”

    Get off his back! We all make mistakes. I could count on one hand the number of guys I know who were convicted of Felony Assault on their girlfriends…wait…I don’t know ANY!

  31. I simply want to sob and sob over this painful loss.

  32. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    Commented on this photo:

    Here’s hoping he follows Bynes’ fun youngsters’ retirement plan
    Wear all of Miss Piggy’s old wigs
    Call everybody ugly
    Smoke a buttload of weed
    Call everybody ugly
    Throw bongs out of windows
    Call everybody ugly
    Set fire to things
    Get put in a mental institution

  33. I think I speak for everyone when I say we would rather he retire from life. Fuck this asshole. He still thinks he did nothing wrong by beating her up, this asshole has never truly apologized or shown true remorse.

  34. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    some black guy
    Commented on this photo:

    damn wish that was me…

  35. juanhunglow

    so he can dedicate beating bitches full time

  36. Rasputin's Evil Twin

    We swear we’ve seen the blonde in a porn flick some years back. Good they have something in common, as she took anal with gusto, as we presume he does.

    With auto-tune, we can’t tell him from Rihanna. Grigori reminds me she’s the one with the balls. Wonder if she introduced him to anal?

  37. Chris Brown Mystery Blonde Chick AV Nightclub
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks sober

  38. Brooke

    I hope hope hope that is his record label talking and not him fishing for compliments and attention.

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