Chet Hanks Has A Kid?!

“I ain’t sharin’ my pool noodles. She need to get her own pool noodles.”

Tom Hanks’ rapper son, Chester aka Chet Haze aka The Cheaz, has been spent his fucking awesome life checking off the list of shit every parent silently prays their dumbass offspring won’t do. First, he started rapping, which even if he was Eminem’s kid would probably have been met with, “Have you thought about learning a trade?” Then he said “nigger” on Instagram 10,000 times, then got addicted to coke. Now, he knocked up some chick, which the whole family tried to keep quiet, except In Touch found out, because the chick who let The Cheaz impregnate her sold them the story since she knows it’s only a matter of time before she’s explaining to her daughter why someone has to look in mommy’s butt before they can talk to daddy in the glass house. That is exactly what happened here.

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have quietly welcomed a new granddaughter eight months ago, In Touch is reporting exclusively. “Tom and Rita are really excited to have a new granddaughter,” a source says. The couple’s troubled son Chet, 26, conceived his daughter during a drug-fueled one-night stand with a woman named Tiffany.

Naturally, The Cheaz is pissed, so he fired off this Instagram video telling the world he has a daughter that he didn’t want the whole world to know about.

No disrespect to people that post their kids, I just I never wanted her to be dragged into the negativity surrounding my past.

A video posted by 🌴LA / WORLD WIDE 🌍 (@chethanx) on

In case he deletes that, it’s basically The Cheaz berating the media for reporting a statistic of public record, while congratulating himself on his sobriety and whining about how “it hasn’t been easy making all his mistakes in public.” Damn. I feel kind of bad now. I can’t imagine the hardship he’s enduring.

Chet’s now sober and is currently working as a drug counselor. He lives in Santa Monica and pays $2,800 a month in rent, with the help of his dad. He’s telling everyone that this baby truly changed his life. ‘Chet is financially supporting the baby, of course, with Tom’s help,’ the source says, adding that Tom and Rita don’t mind.

*stands atop Pride Rock, blows into horn* Parents of the normal world, heed my call! Let us cast our judgement upon this dime store Vanilla Ice motherfucker, this son of Gump who lives at the beach where daddy covers the bill while we all switch to the Costco brand infant formula, because it’s half the price and we tell ourselves it’s fine that it’s probably manufactured in Cambodia. Seriously, is it made of powdered caviar or something? Why the fuck does it cost so much? And don’t even get me started on the Carter’s sleepers. $12.99 for one is the sale price? He’ll grow out of it in a month!

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Tags: Chet Haze