Charlie Sheen: ‘Thanks, Everybody!’

To show his appreciation for all that enabling this past week, Charlie Sheen has issued a statement thanking his bosses and loyal fans who stood by him through thick and thin because it’s not like he’s assaulting their over-stuffed, catchers mitt of a vagina with promises of Bentleys. — Yet. Oh, and also he think he’s Errol Flynn now. Probably should’ve mentioned that. Via Popeater:

“I have a lot of work to do to be able to return the support I have received from so many people. I want to say ‘thank-you’ to my fellow cast members, the crew of ‘Two and a Half Men’ and everyone at CBS and Warner Bros., especially Les Moonves & Bruce Rosenblum for their concern and support.
“And to my fans, your good wishes have touched me very much. Like Errol Flynn, who had to put down his sword on occasion, I just want to say, ‘thank-you.'”

Haha! The sword’s his penis.

As most outlets have pointed out, Errol Flynn was an iconic actor during the golden years of Hollywood who ran his career into the ground with drugs and woman only to die at 50 of a heart attack following a week-long bender. So either Charlie is trying to beat that record by going out at 45, or he’s just another drug addict who has no fucking clue what he’s talking about.

CHARLIE: Read this statement back to me. I think I nailed it this time.
PUBLICIST: *reads* This is just a doodle of you firing a giant erection at planes.
CHARLIE: Yeah, but it’s like one of those metaphors.
PUBLICIST: Metaphor for what?
CHARLIE: Society, man.
PUBLICIST: Then why did you write, “This is not a metaphor. I just really want to fuck an airplane,” at the bottom?
CHARLIE: It’s like this: You ever lose large chunks of time with absolutely no recollection of what took place, but you’re almost positive you were holding a grenade at one point?
PUBLICIST: …. There’s a dead body back there, isn’t there?
CHARLIE: What? No! — Severed head.

Photos: Splash News