“You losers can’t touch me. I’M A CUISINART!”
If I haven’t made it smugly clear by now, one of my greatest pleasures is watching Charlie Sheen admit he was completely out of his mind last year during the whole #WINNING/goddesses fiasco that everyone thought was some grand performance piece and/or a legitimate act of sticking it to The Man. Turns out Charlie Sheen didn’t even understand the meaning of half the words he was using, they just sounded cool. Via his latest interview with Playboy:
PLAYBOY: Sean Penn called you a performance artist. Is it possible the whole year was one big hoax?
SHEEN: That’s cool that he said that. It’s a compliment, but it’s not what was going on. I didn’t have a master plan. I didn’t realize it was going to create such a global firestorm. At the time, it felt like I was watching a lot of it from above, you know what I mean?
PLAYBOY: Like an out-of-body experience?
SHEEN: Yeah. It was surreal. And it never occurred to me where this stuff was going to end up or how it was going to be perceived. I didn’t care about anything beyond the moment. And then I was a little shocked by how huge the whole thing became. It was like an organism you couldn’t stop. It kept growing.
PLAYBOY: You kept insisting you were winning when everything that was happening in your life and career at the time seemed like the complete opposite of winning.
SHEEN: Absolutely. I was in total denial.
PLAYBOY: Was it just positive thinking? If you say you’re winning enough times, maybe things will turn around?
SHEEN: It wasn’t that bleak in my head. I felt I was winning by finally being able to speak my mind. I felt that was some sort of victory. And then it was fueled by the insane public outpouring of support.
PLAYBOY: Not only were you winning, but you called yourself a warlock.
SHEEN: I didn’t know what the hell a warlock was; I just liked the way it sounded. It’s got war in it; it’s got a kah sound. War-lock. Remember the Salem warlock society? They were going to cast a hex on me.
PLAYBOY: Because you were making a mockery of their religion?
SHEEN: Something like that. I was hurting the warlock name. I was like, “Bring it on! I’ll eat your hex for breakfast.” [laughs] It’s so fucking stupid. I’m in a beef with a warlock society? You’re kidding me, right? How do you go from making Oliver Stone movies to being in a feud with warlocks?
PLAYBOY: The list goes on and on. Tiger blood, Adonis DNA, you’re on a drug called Charlie Sheen.
SHEEN: [Laughs] Most of it came out of nowhere. It wasn’t planned, it was just random. The tiger blood? I don’t know. It’s just a very dangerous animal. And there’s a tiger in Apocalypse Now, by the way, so maybe there’s a connection there. Adonis DNA? I don’t know what the fuck that was about. That was just stupid. That went a little far.
On top of admitting he barely speaks English – Way to help the Latino cause, Carlos. – Charlie Sheen also gets into how he’ll talk to his daughters about drugs which apparently involves him first making sure they didn’t get ripped off and then finding out if it’s the weed named after him (Charlie Sheen OG) which he makes it a point to say is an honor and numbs you right the hell up. Long story short: Someone knows Denise Richards can’t read.