Charlie Sheen Wants To ‘Mentor’ Lindsay Lohan, She Wants Him To Go F*ck Himself

If Charlie Sheen has learned anything over the years, it’s that stuffing a mansion full of young prostitutes is crazy convenient. So naturally he wants to “mentor” Lindsay Lohan now because inside every man lies the innate urge to bend nature to his will. “The ginger bronco…” he’ll call her in hushed whispers into a hooker’s vagina. TMZ reports:

“I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who’s been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey.”
He adds, “If she listens, she’ll win. If she doesn’t, that’s on her.”

Considering Charlie Sheen has been nothing but generous to Lindsay these past few months, of course she graciously responded to his offer by telling him to shut the fuck up:

Lindsay Lohan is rejecting Charlie Sheen’s offer to mentor her, grousing that she wishes he’d just shut up.
Sources close to LiLo tell TMZ … while she appreciates everything Sheen has done for her — and he’s done a lot — she would NEVER take him as a mentor. She’s saying she knows her life is “out of control,” but doesn’t think the precept, “It takes one to know one,” is the way to go.

As much as I hate to give her credit for this, Lindsay Lohan is basically denying herself constant access to cash and blow simply because she thinks a dude’s mouth is a gross. She will never see or achieve this level of excess again in her life, yet she’s sticking to her principles of being the pickiest goddamn prostitute on the planet. Apparently she skipped the Day 1 training video, “If It Has a Penis And a Dollar, Find a Hole For It.”

Photos: Splash News