Charlie Sheen Wants To ‘Mentor’ Lindsay Lohan, She Wants Him To Go F*ck Himself

March 4th, 2013 // 22 Comments
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If Charlie Sheen has learned anything over the years, it’s that stuffing a mansion full of young prostitutes is crazy convenient. So naturally he wants to “mentor” Lindsay Lohan now because inside every man lies the innate urge to bend nature to his will. “The ginger bronco…” he’ll call her in hushed whispers into a hooker’s vagina. TMZ reports:

“I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who’s been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey.”
He adds, “If she listens, she’ll win. If she doesn’t, that’s on her.”

Considering Charlie Sheen has been nothing but generous to Lindsay these past few months, of course she graciously responded to his offer by telling him to shut the fuck up:

Lindsay Lohan is rejecting Charlie Sheen’s offer to mentor her, grousing that she wishes he’d just shut up.
Sources close to LiLo tell TMZ … while she appreciates everything Sheen has done for her — and he’s done a lot — she would NEVER take him as a mentor. She’s saying she knows her life is “out of control,” but doesn’t think the precept, “It takes one to know one,” is the way to go.

As much as I hate to give her credit for this, Lindsay Lohan is basically denying herself constant access to cash and blow simply because she thinks a dude’s mouth is a gross. She will never see or achieve this level of excess again in her life, yet she’s sticking to her principles of being the pickiest goddamn prostitute on the planet. Apparently she skipped the Day 1 training video, “If It Has a Penis And a Dollar, Find a Hole For It.”

Photos: Splash News


  1. j/k

    Charlie, I would love to learn how to do as much coke and booze as I can while still making millions of dollars and screwing pornstars.

    • If it’s worth it to you to cut your life short. Seriously—I’d be very surprised if Charlie Sheen makes it to 55. And mildly surprised if he makes it to 50. (He’s 47 now.)

      • He’s the kind of guy that’ll still be going strong at 100. Like the rolling stones guys.

      • do you think for one minute Sheen (or any sane person) would trade 50+ years of fabulous fame & wealth, an endless parade of smoking hot women, hardly ever breaking a sweat to earn a fat check, mansions, private cocaine fueled hooker jets, for 70+ years of wage slavery in cubicle land? Also, death is cruel and random – Jim Fixx drops dead of a massive heart attack in his early 50′s, Kieth Richards is still alive & well, 2 of the Beatles are dead, neither of them is Ringo.

  2. karlito

    Lindsay has decided that she wants to die. that is her only career move. she’ll never ever attain any fame in Hollywood for her acting but she will attain a little bit of fame for being a member of the celebrity 27 club. a person who refuses help and denies they have a problem wants to die. her Dad is probably hoping she will die so he can go on a speaking tour about it.

  3. Charlie Sheen Slash Concert Before After
    Commented on this photo:

    With his latest “goddess” and, apparently, David Beckham.

  4. It’s not so much Lindsay’s turning down Charlie’s offer, but the tenor of the response is that he should stop trying to make a reach for celebrity by constantly bringing up her name.

    • JC

      I don’t think Sheen really needs to make a “reach for celebrity” with Lindsay. He’s no Laurence Olivier, but he’s had a long career with actual acting roles (and some pretty epic bat-shit craziness), whereas her claim to fame is “Herbie Fully Loaded” and a string of petty drug crimes and (likely) prostitution. One of these things is not like the other.

  5. Tom Cruise's Magical Penis

    “Lesson 1: The more desperate a skank is for drug money, crazier she’ll be in the sack. Remember that, Exhibit A.”
    “My name is Lindsay, why do you keep getting it wrong?”

  6. Charlie Sheen Slash Concert Before After
    Commented on this photo:

    So his newest goddess is a 15-year-old Irish waif? I’m not judging, just asking.

  7. “while she appreciates everything Sheen has done for her ”
    Lindsay you can only get so much out of a very short and sloppy BJ.
    Tiger blood dude was generous.

  8. Charlie is too good for her. It’s time to stop helping her and let her hit rock bottom all alone. Then, maybe she regain her common sense.

  9. judgingyou

    Dina will not be pleased.

  10. Tom Cruise's Magical Penis

    That Charlie Sheen puppet might be the grossest looking thing Spitting Image ever came up with.

  11. L. Lohan

    “Charlie, I already followed your advice about getting high and fucking a chick up the butt. Remember Samantha Ronson?”

  12. This is a stunningly lucid thought for Lindsay! Especially since Charlie mentors everything with his penis.

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