Charlie Sheen Confirms He’s HIV Positive To Stop ‘Saltless’ Whores

Charlie Sheen appeared on TODAY this morning where he confirmed that, yes, he is HIV positive, and then in true Charlie Sheen-fashion, let the shit fly. Starting first with the National Enquirer who broke the story and, according to Charlie, is somehow threatening people’s health by exposing him as HIV positive even though he was paying shitloads of money to keep it quiet that his dick will kill you. Those bastards!

Sheen said he made the announcement to end a smear campaign and extortion efforts.
“I have to put a stop to this onslaught, this barrage of attacks and of sub-truths and very harmful and mercurial stories that are about me, that threaten the health of so many others that couldn’t be further from the truth,” he said.

You see, poor Charlie Sheen is the victim here, and he’s tired of this “shakedown” that’s taking money out of his kids’ mouths because what was he supposed to do? Not pay out millions of dollars to hide that he’s HIV positive making it slightly harder for him to get laid? That’s crazy talk.

Mr. Sheen said that he paid people “into the millions” to stay quiet about the diagnosis. “That is money taken away from my kids.”
Asked whether he faced lawsuits, Mr. Sheen said it was more “shakedowns” from people demanding money.
When Mr. Lauer asked whether Mr. Sheen was still paying some of these people, the actor replied, “Not after today, I’m not.”

As for the millions of dollars that Charlie Sheen’s spent on hookers and coke that could’ve gone to his kids, apparently that’s different money. That doesn’t count. But that’s not even the biggest load of shit, which is Charlie Sheen always uses a condom – always – except, okay, maybe two times:

He also insists he always informed his partners ahead of time, leading “with condoms and honesty,” which he says led to the blackmail payments. He says he’s had unprotected sex with at least two partners after his diagnosis but says both were “under the care of my doctor and they were completely warned ahead of time.”

Of course, it might be plausible that Charlie Sheen practices safe sex if he wasn’t sitting down for a TV interview to admit he’s HIV positive after being blackmailed by dozens of hookers he was having sex with, doesn’t know how or when he got it, and oh, also, was doing a lot of drugs while banging said hookers. Not to mention, the “condoms and honesty” line came from a crazy letter he wrote to Matt Lauer yesterday because Charlie Sheen also suffers from manic episodes where he does whatever the fuck he wants because he’s Charlie Sheen. Yup, that’s sounds like a guy who uses condoms.

“In and around this perplexing time, I dazedly chose or hired the companionship of unsavory and insipid types. Regardless of their saltless reputations, I always led with condoms and honesty when it came to my condition. Sadly my truth soon became their treason, as a deluge of blackmail and extortion took center stage in this circus of deceit.”

“I mean, Matt, how would you feel if you went from being the ringmaster of your domain to swinging back and forth on a trapeze of betrayal?”
“I don’t know what any of that means.”
“Me either. I just liked how it felt in my head and went, ‘Eh, fuck it.’ — But I always use condoms!”

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