Charlie Sheen Has Decided Not To Marry A Porn Star

The last time I posted about Charlie Sheen he’d “allegedly” tried to stab a dentist with a knife (and maybe grabbed a hygienist’s breasts), but clearly he’s sobered up since then because he finally realized you’re not supposed to marry porn stars. Pay them for sex essentially making them hookers, but never marry them. E! News reports:

“Scotty and I had a great year together as we traveled the world and crossed a lot of things off our bucket list,” Sheen tells E! News in a statement. “She’s a terrific gal—but we’ve mutually decided to go our separate ways and not spend the rest of our lives together.”
He continues, “I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus more than a relationship does right now. I still have a tremendous fondness for Scotty and I wish her all the best.”

In related news, Charlie Sheen’s children were last seen fleeing to Stephen Collins’ house where they’ll, quote, “take their fucking chances.” Should that not work out, they’ll stay with a couple of coyotes they saw the other day. The pack leader seemed nice.

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